The fires you see are on the sea of Eragundee,
out we go too sea away from an army of Eragundee,
out in the sea of Eragundee you may see us flea away from the,
the fire light of Eragundee is the light of me.
Out and far into the lonely deep you may not see us sleep,
the fires we see were of the sea of Eragundee,
and deep we sleep in nook’s and holes down in the dark and lonely deep,
the seep of time and the lonely grime have made us cling and claw at time.
We tried to climb up to fires high in the skies;
you may see us down in the deep and lonely grime of time,
but though we cry at time we cleave a way down too see the fire of Eragundee,
O the great and glorious fires the opal flame’s deep in the dark of lonely time.
Down we sleep in time forever and ever
in the deep and lonely grime of time,
the fire light of Eragundee is the light of me
and though it be it contends with me.
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Hey Jordin,
Strangely enough, this reminded me of that song from Lion King, "Upendi" xD Don't ask me why, I guess there's something similar in the lyricism and the use of the Eragundee repetition.
That being said, Upendi we find out at the end of the song means "love", I'm not quite sure what Eragundee means, except that it's referred as just the name of a place. What I like about this poem is that we sort of get a swift feel for what Eragundee might be like (although, is the title a mispelling/typo?--oops!), but I feel like you have written that idea in the first/second stanza and then it keeps repeating the same ideas in the next couple of stanzas.
Remember: "Say it once, say it right." Poetry tries to be concise and precise, this is to keep a poem memorable, but what a poet also does is try to create as much meaning/imagery/emotion and cram it into as little space as possible. See, a novel/short story can be long and drawn out -- but a poem prides itself in taking all of the meat a novel or short story might have, and condensing it down to bite-size stanzas!
Another thing to watch out for are fatal spelling/grammar errors. In that first stanza alone, there's too instead of to, and flea instead of flee. I find that it's helpful to proofread my work by reading it backwards, that way I can catch some of these other errors that a spell checker won't!
I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
Hi there, Jordin ^-^ Happy review day! (hiphip hurray for Tsunami Tyrants!)
Anyhooooo, I’m here to give you an assessment of the piece and maybe some outlooks and all that appealing stuff.
Firstly, this is simply striking!
You have an admirable flair for writing. Your approach is lovely; you have obvious technique, and a sort of breathing elegance to your work. Very well done.
You also have admirable word-usage and you have a lot of imagination and visual.
Herm. . . . .
I hate to not have any criticism, but I honestly don't know what to say. I like all of your work and don’t find my skills necessarily (hehe jk) superior to yours, so there’s nothing I can say to help you improve.
All I can say is well done, keep writing, and do your best :p sorry I'm no help lol
~Catnip~
This is beautiful. I just needed you to know that, thanks.
Thankyou.
Hi, PumpkinCat here with your review of: The Fires Of Eragunde. First off I really like your imagination in this poem it really gives a medieval feeling to the poem It really sounds like a hymn or an ode possibly if you made some changes. But anyways I noticed some of the words were misplaced. I didn't know if you did this on purpose or on accident for example its in this line: "out we go too sea away from an army of Eragundee". The word out should be capitalized and you used the wrong "too" and the "sea" should be see. But this poem has a nice rhythm to it and it has a very nice flow to it and again I'm not sure if you used the wrong words on purpose. Sorry for being a bit critical but Good word 7/10
No you got is wrong there but you were right in the other way thanks for the review.
Wow such a energetic poem its more like a hymn of sorts though its as if after reading it for five times(maybe) I will hum it with some tune....there are no mistakes as far as the eye goes albeit the flea should flee if you know what I mean. This poem has a flow to it and a fiery feel to it to it krackles and blazes just like fire!! It has also got this tribal touch to it...haven't read anything like this for a while and its refreshing and reenerzising to read this stuff. Awesome work I shuld say and keep up the good work and always keep writing.
:-D
Thanks ERZA very much.