The Dead.

Hello Jordin! Can I take this line by line?

The fire on his face.-- this is an interesting start, the reader gets a great first image that pulls them in. I kind of wish it wasn't a fragment however. Maybe you could say "There's fire on his face." or something.

He is so close, -- I don't think the comma should be there as it goes straight into the next line.

Too the fiery lace, -- I think you meant to say "to" so please change that. I'm not quite sure if you need a comma. I do like your word choice here of "fiery lace."

In its twirling fiery grace. -- I don't really like the repetition of the word "fiery" so close to the last one. If you read it aloud, you might be able to hear the awkwardness, but it's not too bad, and it helps the rhythm a bit as well. I do like the word "twirling" as it gives a great picture of the fire.

He turns his head,
To see the fiery thread,
He looks as the dead,
He is held by one thread,
From the dead. -- I'm just going to review this entire stanza, you used "thread" as two different threads, and I'm not quite sure what happens. In my mind, this guy turns around, sees some random line of fire behind him (in front of him is a real fire) and suddenly his face turns gaunt and ghost-like, then boom, he is hanging by a noose (held by one thread) and it's the dead who have done this to him. But I only got those images after reading it and rereading it a couple times, focusing on the meaning of words. I didn't really gain anything from this stanza other than now we know were "The Dead" come in. I'm just confused, and you word choice wasn't as stellar as in your last stanza.



From the dread of the dead,-- That's hard to say in my mind, like a mind-twister. But I'm confused again, are we dreading the dead people who killed this guy? or are we dreading the guy who is now dead? I just don't know, and I'm confused. And You use "Dead" WAY WAY WAY too much. you don't have to make EVERYTHING rhyme. and there are other rhyming words for dead, like "fed, read, said, led, sped, wed," or some verbs that end in -ed. I'd try looking at a rhyming dictionary. I did like the word Dread.

I turned my head, -- more turning of heads? didn't we already do this? does this really add anything to the poem? If ANY line doesn't add to the poem, chop it out. you don't NEED to have a long poem, only a good one.

As it is said “Turn from the dead.” -- as WHAT said? who is saying things? the dead? but why would they tell us that? Again, way too many "dead"'s.

As he headed up ahead, -- you don't need the comma, and I feel like a more descriptive word of how he "headed" would work better, such as floated, ambled, staggered, etc. I don't like the word "up" you could replace it with "on" but I don't think that's correct either.

To the river of the dead. I like this even though it says dead again. Maybe it could be the river styx? That would be cool and specific. Here's a suggestion for the last two lines, (a river's starting point is called a "head") you could say, "As he staggered to the head/ of the river of the dead." I actually like the word dead there, but only if there is only one or two other usages of that word.

I heard it said that those -- you were rhyming a lot before and after this, why is this random line not rhyming? it's not important, so it shouldn't stick out. also the rhythm doesn't quite fit.

Of the dead are made of led,-- I know you meant to say "lead" so please change that. This rhythm doesn't quite fit either. I'm sorry that I can't give you an idea of how to fix that. I kind of like this imagery, but I felt like you were forcing the line why are the made of lead? why do we care what they are made of. You should put that in your next line. I can see you tried, but it didn't work very well. Lead is usually used as to mean very heavy. maybe they are made of Lead so they can't escape from the bottom of that river, which is the land of the dead.

As to tread fo­­rever on the dead… -- so the dead are treading on the dead, because they're made of lead? that doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. and that "dead" is too much again.

I hope this is helpful, you just really need to get rid of some of those "deads" so the rest can be extra special, and you need to solidify your story, and what exactly happens. Great writing all in all. and your first stanza was great! Keep writing!
~Fortis

Jordin, I have to say I'm impressed by how much I like the rhyme in this piece. It just keeps on hitting me, and the sound of the word you chose to work with hit pretty hard: it's a lazier vowel, but ends on a strong consonant.

I also like that you open with something as wicked, strong, vivid, and alive as fire. It's interesting how fire is inanimate, but seems to have life while you're writing an entire poem about death. You might play with that idea more if you decide to do a second draft?

The only glaring problem I had with this poem was in this stanza:

I heard it said that those
Of the dead are made of led,
As to tread fo­­rever on the dead…

Hey, Jordin
I stopped by your poem to see what you have to say with a captivating title@ The Dead'/
I liked your effort, so let me first appreciate you for that.
Now coming to review.
The first stanza was nice as it says:
'The fire on his face.
He is so close,
Too the fiery lace,
In its twirling fiery grace.'
It seems interesting how you bring a clear picture of the event going around and make another go through the whole poem.
But soon as we ump onto second stanza
' He turns his head,
To see the fiery thread,
He looks as the dead,
He is held by one thread,
From the dead.'
This part gets bombarded by two words
Thread and dead.
Although, the title is dead but a reasonable use just at one or hardly at two places is encouraged.
' From the dread of the dead,
I turned my head,
As it is said “Turn from the dead.”
As he headed up ahead,
To the river of the dead.'
This part was again filled up with dead but still managed conveying the meaning but my concern remains the same,
Repetitive use of words.
Now with the last part,
' I heard it said that those
Of the dead are made of led,
As to tread fo­­rever on the dead…'
I kind of liked the poem and would encourage you for more but make sure , you go through it again as you may yourself locate such issues.
All in all I appreciate your work and want to see more from you but with new mistakes
Keep enjoying and keep writing.
Bye for now.

I like your poem, but maybe you used the word 'thread' and 'dead' a few too many times? But I absolutely love the opening and I get the picture in my head of someone being bathed in flames! God I love it when a piece of writing creates its own picture!

I think when you mention the river of the dead, you could be on about the river Styx with Charon? If so, I love it since Greek mythology is one of the coolest things ever! (for me anyway!)

All in all, loved you poem, keep you head up and your pen ready!

Just a few things:

Imagery:
Bravo! I love the imagery you used here throughout the poem with the fire. The first stanza was excellent, however, the imagery started to fade as you got to the end.

Flow:
The flow is really tricky here and I find myself having to reread lines three or four times. Part of this is the tricky rhyme scheme you have going here. Also the word fiery is used alot. I don't know if this is on purpose or not.

Keep working with this and keep writing!
~Kay

Okay first of all you need to use poetic language,
I Dont say you didnt use it but i think it needs improvement
The lines
The fire on his face.
He is so close,

It should be more like
His face on fire
So close is he
And remember rhyming is not the only thing which creates a poem
if your rhyming stuff it needs to be proper
For example
a
b
a
b
OR
A
A
B
B

Like That.. Okay? You did use good words but a little bit of hard work .. is required