Doll Sweet Night

Hey just wanted to say that i look forward on your revised version of the poem, i am sure it will be good!!!!

You've got a couple of nice phrases in there like "shun", "cruel" and my favourite "sweet bitter sweet tears."

I think you can really use with some commas thrown in their. For example, "Big he shadowed her" = "Big, he shadowed her" and so on. It makes the poem a lot more clearer and easier to read.

Also, some of the tenses seemed mixed up. For example, "Doll smile remembers today". Is it Doll smiled, or is it Doll smiles? The overall flow of the line is a bit awkward, even for a poem. A few other places in the poem is like that so maybe just skim over it again.

These are just a few suggestions, but keep in mind I'm not much of a poet so . Anyways, I feel like you can do a lot with this so just keep working on it! Good Job

Hey so I just want to say a few quick words on this.

First it seems really rushed like you went through the dictionary and just picked out random words and put them together. Like snoink said maybe that is your own personal style but it doesn't really work for me. I like poetry to tell a story and to paint a picture in my mind and this doesn't.

I think it may be a bit better if you put in some commas and full stops.

For "earth shrugs day shun"
try. "Earth shrugs, day shun"
or perhaps you might want to do something like "The Earth shrugs and the day shuns"
It would help the flow a low because this is very stop start like instead of one continuous rhythm.

There are a lot of lines that make absolutely no sense what so ever.
"Big he shadowed her"
who is shadowing her? why is he shadowing her?
Also "Doll smile every request" it is like you have to separate stories here. Maybe change it to "Doll smiled at every request" and then go into detail about why she smiled.
Another one is "She offered he took" what is he taken?

Like i said before try adding in commas to make it easier for the reader to understand what is going on.

I just think you need to have a bit of a look at it, read it through like you were reading it for the first time and think about the flow and wording.

I think you have some good ideas and with a good edit you could have something pretty good.
Sorry if this is to harsh on you but i think that it can be improved and that it can become a really good piece of work if you put a bit more though into it:D

Keep it up!!!

Love Nargles xx

Quick comment! The word "offered" is misspelled.

Anyway, for your poem!

Maybe this is me being stupid (which is entirely possible, I admit!) but I really didn't get your poem. To me, it seemed like you were just throwing words together. It appears that you are using the doll smile to show a kind of superficial kindness, but it is strictly superficial since there is so much pain involved. The doll smiles and pain occurs... it almost gives the feeling that the doll is sadistically watching the world from everything to insect bites to bloody tears (which, by the way, seems to be totally a reference to the bible, where sweat actually turns to blood: Luke 22:44-45). In fact, it may be that the doll smiling causes pain, though again this is uncertain.

Still, the way you describe this is just so... jerky and random. I don't quite like it. It really doesn't make sense, and the only way that you can make real sense of it is looking at the words individually very hard. Maybe this is your intention? But it's still really confusing to read.

Anyway! Just a couple of thoughts.