In the beginning of the story,
She wakes up, washes her body, and listens to radio static.
Her hair is a wig growing out of her scalp. Her clothes are handmade.
She prepares your coffee black.
You fantasize about her breasts as she washes the table in long, circular strokes.
The story climaxes with your hands sewn to her shirt,
Each finger in a buttonhole,
Keeping her fragile chest intact.
At the end of the story, her hair is perfect.
Her clothes are as smooth as the back of your hand.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, InTheTrees!
Well, first of all, this is a very interesting poem you made here. I love the imagery and details of the poem. I can honestly see this happening in my head. My favorite lines were:
I can honestly see this happening the most. Anyways, I see no errors in this poem as far as I know of. Keep the good work! I would like to read more! C:
-K
Thanks Kanome! I'm really glad my imagery worked for you ^.^ Have a super lovely night
Hello!
This was an interesting poem.
I liked the images: the reader can really picture every part of the poem. I like the metaphors included, like the part with the wig, and the part with the “hands sewn.”
I like the detail of her listening to radio static. I also like that you wrote this as a kind of story, where we only know very minuscule details about what is going on.
I think the only problem I see is content. Basically, what I gain from this, is that the narrator thinks this poor girl is attractive, but she’s unfortunate and depressed or something like that. Then they have a relationship or something like that, and the girl ends up happy and perfect.
If this is indeed the story, then honestly, what’s to be learned? That relationships fix your life? I mean, if this is what you wanted it to be about then fine. But I just don’t like it personally. If that’s not what you meant somehow, then I’d suggest changing something so that’s not what it comes off as.
Other than content though, the execution of this poem was wonderful. You use adjectives really well and the metaphors again as well.
Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
Hi fortis! Thanks for the compliments and stuff! As for the content, I was attempting to write a poem about domestic abuse. In domestic abuse situations, the victim sometimes feels helpless, has an obsession with being perfect, and thinks that everything bad that happens is their fault. This is called battered wife syndrome.
Hope this helps! Have a nice night!
Hello
Quite a piece of work! Really intresting and deep.
I think it's great how you connected the begging to the end with
,,Her hair is a wig growing out of her scalp.'' and ,,At the end of the story, her hair is perfect.''
Without describing too much, you managed to paint a picture in my mind. I can almost see the lady making coffee or washing the table.
All in all, really made me think.
Keep up the fantastic work!
-Sophiewrites
Thanks Sophiewrites!