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139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Very good and vivid imagery
You set the scene beautiful and i really really like this 
Good work though 
keep it up!
the second stanza, all of it is brilliant, it's as though we can in vision the relationship between these two perfectly from the closeness and the trust in her. I think it's beautiful.
I like the 'I can see through your dress part' but I think you should take the 'little girl' out, it sends a wrong message or else you could leave it in and explain it more, maybe I misunderstood but as it is it doesn't fit well. You've created this kind of sexual lust with the wet dress and the fact that the speaker has noticed but the little girl part just ruins the whole appeal of this.
Anyway that's just my advice
This poem kind of takes me in circles, in a way, when you start talking about putting iron in your pockets so the fairies don't take you away, but that kind of makes it more interesting to me. (probably because I'm an owl city fan, so I like lyrics that do that xD)
I love the lines:
"All that's left of you
Is a pair of wild green eyes
And two little forget me not flowers
That haven't yet bloomed."
although I do agree with karzkin about the stanza "The clouds are sobbing now.
It's coming down
Thick, like a shower" being weak, I do think that can be a bit stronger.
But overall, great poem!
Keep writing.
~McKie
Hello! Roxy here!
This could be a personal thing, but I think it would be better if you changed "we're"" into "we are" it just drags me into the poem more
I like the questions, it makes me want to read more!
The first line of the second stanza just doesnt sit right with me, I think its because I know theres a better way you could phrase it, for example, if you were expecting the rain you could say something along the lines of-"the rain has already started"
I love the refrence to the old myths with the faries! Brilliant!
third stanza, the second half is better, I can hear and see it, its very vivid, but I would love to know why its okay? Id love another stanza in there which explained that!
The forth stanza is beautiful. I Love it!
If you've any questions or any other piece please let me know!
--Roxy
I'm here, as promised.
I'm conflicted about this one. The first stanza starts well, introducing the motifs of rain, the dress, and the flowers. I especially like the fifth line, and what it implies. I don't like the questions at the end of this stanza. You should never pose a rhetorical question to your audience, but these questions to your subject are ok. But if if was mine I would make them statements, like "I am wondering/if you are old enough". But that's just a matter of taste I think.
Second stanza is hit and miss. I like the development of the rain, but the image of iron in pockets and kidnapping fairies does not sit well. I can see where you're going with this stanza, and I like the last line of it, but this image is so left-field, and so much more abstract than the rest of the piece that is is jarring. I'm all for abstraction, but this image just sits on top of this poem, rather than blending seamlessly. It's as if you thought of the image, then thought of the poem, then tried to jam your square peg into your round hole.
Third stanza is weak.
You really don't need three lines to say this. Also, "Thick, like a shower" is odd. When one thinks of 'shower' in terms of rain one generally thinks of a light drizzle, not a downpour. That said though, I do appreciate the further development of the rain metaphor. It's a good idea, just falls down a little at the execution of it.
Ok, I'm feeling this. But why is it ok? You have started something quite tasty, then just left it hanging. This stanza could do with an overhaul. If I may be so bold, I would suggest something like this:
the clouds are bursting now
so thick we can barely see the ground in front of us.
We run,
laughing.
I know we won't make it back
before the lightning starts
but that's ok
[something something intending to be caught in the rain].
Fourth stanza.
Ok, I really dig this. Great motific development, good throw-back to the beginning. This gives the piece a rock-solid structure, forces the audience to go back and re-read. I like it.
My first reaction was "uh oh. This has to go", but when I read the poem again I fully grasped it. It does seem a little trite, but it's so vital it has to stay. Perhaps give it a bit of a polish so it isn't so grating?
Yes yes yes. This it where it's at.
So there are some great moments. But there are rough patches. Iron out the kinks and this baby could be gem.
K.