Reality of Hope

by InTheTrees

  • Poetry

Published March 17, 2012

In Poems

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Were we in reality,
When we watched the star fall from her eye?
There were crows everywhere at the time.
Big black ugly things, that looked like death,
Looking for brilliance just like us. Maybe
They thought that could steal that tear before it dropped into her palm,
Before it fell there and died against the white.

Were we in reality,
When we blinked and the snow falling from the sky
Turned out to be her flesh?
That night,
She'd hung herself from the moon with a strand of hope
Just thick enough to hold her weight.
Now we the crows have all the brilliance we could want.


Comments & reviews · 1
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Luckex
Review
Luckex wrote a review Review · Mar 18, 2012

Gorgeous visualizations coming from this poem here. One technical error:

They thought that could steal that tear before it dropped into her palm

Is this perhaps supposed to be "They thought that they could steal that tear. . ."? If so, though, that causes an irritating unintentionally alliterative "th" sound, so maybe you should just stick with "they thought they".

A similar case of repetitive word choice is found in these two lines:
Big black ugly things, that looked like death,
Looking for brilliance just like us.

Maybe instead you can try "searching for brilliance"? (Lovely line, by the way.)

Hm... those are the only qualms I have with it! Although it is worth noting that the second stanza appears significantly shorter and weaker than its predecessor, and it's more than slightly off-putting, as well as not being particularly aesthetically pleasing. Of course, that's just me being picky, though!

Anyway, I really, really love this poem. You had me from the first line. Such stunning mental images and morbidly beautiful concepts, such as hanging oneself from the moon with a strand of hope. I've always loved crows as a motif in literature, and I feel you made good use of them. I find it very inspirational among other things and I find myself motivated to write poetry all the sudden, something I haven't done in over a month!

I look forward to becoming your poetry buddy!


InTheTrees
InTheTrees replied · Mar 18, 2012

Thank you so much for this review!
Yes, the missing "they" was a mistake, and thanks for pointing out the repitition! I was worried about handling the last stanza too much, but if you think it needs some fleshing out I'll look into it :) I'm glad to have inspired you. I hope we can help each other.
Thanks again!



This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill