You were in it
For ink and honey
Licked off of other people's fingers;
Secondhand sweetness,
With just a hint of oozing anger
Down your textured chin.
It's no wonder
That I sometimes find bee corpses in the snow,
Their finger-like appendages
Curled around the dark belly of warmth
Where a borrowed ember once burned.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there, Trees!
I'm not feeling the word "textured" here. It's too vague. What texture is it?Since you took the time to review my work, I decided to stop in and take a look at yours.
I love the images. They're beautiful, meshing together and creating a cohesive picture.
I wonder what this is about, though. There are so many images that the idea has become obscured. I generally use images to support the main idea, but here you've let the images overrun it. What I'm getting from it is that someone is angry, but wrong, having taken other's work or success or honey, and still wants more. I don't know if I'm on the right track.
My suggestion is to work on the clarity of the message. Your imagery is beautiful, but poems can't be just a collection of lyrical words.
I also would like to address your format and punctuation. I think the first two lines should be combined because it wouldn't create such a strange mental pause.
Don't use "just" in the fifth line-- "just" minimizes things that don't need to be minimized.
I don't understand the second to last line very well. Perhaps clarify it a bit?
You need more punctuation at the ends of your lines, too. Here's how I would format/ grammarize it (if that's even a word):
"You were in it for ink and honey
Licked off of other people's fingers:
Secondhand sweetness
With a hint of oozing anger
Down your textured chin.
It's no wonder that I sometimes find
Bee corpses in the snow,
Their finger-like appendages
Curled around the dark belly of warmth
Where a borrowed ember once burned."
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. Happy writing!
Why hello there, InTheTrees! Pompadour here for a quick review!
OK, so I absolutely loved the title you've chosen here! I mean, it really made me think. Ink and honey? How strange ... yet how enticing. Is this poem meant to bring to life the surreal wanders of a dreamer? Because if it is, then it has been done very aptly! But there were times when I felt like this poem, although beautiful, was a collection of pretty words. Maybe that's just me, but this was actually truly beautiful. I don't have anything to say here, really, except that you change the "For" in the title to lowercase.
I absolutely loved the imagery you used here!
Simply lovely. <3
Keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thank you so much Pompadour! Also, I really love your name! As for the pretty word thing, it's something I've sort of struggled with. I have trouble writing about specific things and sort of just put down what comes out. So, the surreal wandering thing isn't too far off
^ I know how that is. I've often received reviews saying, "Now, the imagery is nice but what exactly is the purpose of this piece?" And it's quite alright, since poetry is actually man's wanders put on paper. Aww, thank you! I hope to read some more of your work soon.
I like these Poem. Descritive, wornder. pretty words. My fav. line is "Down your textured chin." i thought little something about that, at frist i was like ink and honey, then for some reson i thought ofc cake icing . lmao, but i like these.
Thanks! Hah, that would probably be a pretty odd cake ^.^
Nice work!
The choice of words is brilliant, as it helps you to picture everything. The combination of ink and honey is what I like best. It brings to mind a dark, yet sweet thing, which is what you're going for here. Secondhand sweetness is probably the best line in the poem, surreal, yet with enough connection to reality to make ones wheels start turning.
I like that it can be interpreted so many different ways, but it seems to have a single purpose. All in all, I like this very much.
Thank you InTheTrees!
I'm glad you liked it! Have a lovely day!
Hey InTheTrees, Subtle here for a review on this boiling day (over in my timezone)! First of all, I really like the title. Is an interesting title and it drew me in instantly, also the image you have created in this poem is quite lovely as well.
This doesn't flow quite well, off and of sounds far too similar to be group together. I suggest you try some other words?Now on with the technical:
I find this quite clever, very nicely done. The imagery there is stunning.
I find the rest quite solid, overall. Wonderful poem! Keep up the good work!
-S.s
Thank you for your helpful critique, SubtleSanity! Ill certainly review one of your works
Ah, that will be most appreciated.