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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
I've gotta give you your kudos on this poem. I loved it!!
"Fireflies hover like stars
That haven’t quite finished falling
And dance over streaks of brightness in her hair and welcomings"
I like that you used fireflies as a way to describe stars, Ever since i can remember i've put those two together. And it's a nice simile.
"In the blackness her tiny fingers,
Sharply contrasted by moonlight"
For some reason i just really liked this part
"As the anemic sun begins to rise,"
Im not sure if "Anemic Sun" counts as personification, but if it is then good job.
"Restless stars float delicately
Behind the edges of our smile."
I had to take a deep breath after i read this. It also made me smile. For me it seems you're a fellow star lover.
Over all i really liked this poem, so keep writing.
After thought
"She%u2019s forgotten how to talk,
But I can tell the bursting of beauty in her mind
By ghostly lips curled into a half smile."
I like how you paint a picture with this sentence. I could watch it in my head like a movie. And the rest of the poem of course.
This is a very pretty poem and well written.
You create a nice picture in my head of fireflies and you do it with such creativity.
1) It goes on a bit and needs to be broken up a bit. Try using stanzas or even just breaking it up into two verses would be okay as well. It will simply make it less tedious for someone to read and it would look better instead of a long blob of words.
2) Your use of language is very good and really captivates what you are trying to say.
3) like I said in point 1 it does go on and I feel as if you are repeating what you have already said.
It is a great poem and I did really enjoy it!
Nargles xx
The reason I clicked on this title was because one of my favourite poems is about fireflies, written about five hundred years ago by John Donne, "The Mower and The Glo-Worms", and it is, like your poem, a sort of metaphysical romantic poem.
I just wanted to share..because...pretty.
Anyway.
That is a monster of a sentence. I actually wonder if this poem wouldn't work better as a prose poem, because I'm not sure the line breaks actually do that much for it and it seems fairly stream of consciousy which lends itself better to prose poems. This sentence is like a hot pink cupcake covered in rainbow sparklers and fireworks and ponies and roller-skates. It is good, and exciting, but there is an awful lot to focus on, which takes away some of the potency of the imagery. 'They hover like stars that haven't finished falling' is gorgeous, it does not require extra stuff. It is interesting that Donne also made that comparison, 'the country comets', humble lights signalling the subtle changes of season rather than heralding the rule of kings as the stars did for him at that time. You have half a millenium on Donne, what we know about stars and fireflies, and what they mean to us, is quite different. Primarily that is what I want from this poem, I want something that only you can say, only you, only now, only in this way. Reveal something that Donne could not.
That's nice, the alliteration is very effective here.
Likewise this, restless stars is delicious.
I think there is a lot going on in this poem, it runs on a bit, and for that becomes quite dense, when independently the imagery you have is strong enough to carry its own. I get fragments of an image, something that is impalpable, that would vanish if I touched it, much like the firefly. This is very clever and effective, but it might be helped if the language supported it gesturally, let it flit, use the sounds of the words, the rhythm to create the languid drifting, hovering and the darting. Be clear on what are the most important moments in the poem, give them space, lead into them and resolve them. It doesn't need to be concrete, it can still be a firefly, have energy, mystery and ambiguity, just... possibly without the word 'welcomings'. I don't like it, it's cutesy, I don't think this poem is cutesy. But other than that, well done.
Hello, I am Tamara, and I would like to start off by telling you that I enjoyed this poem quite a bit. I do a lot of starring out the window as well. But most of the time it is because of thunderstorm watching.
The imagery in this is incredible. I saw myself there, in both characters. You made the poem seem more like a movie than literature. I could feel it in my hands. So congratulations on that!
If someone would ask me to criticize this, I would not be able to think of anything. I might later, but I just find this work to be fantastic. Great work and keep writing!
Hello! I am Emoti and I'd like to start by saying this is lovely. I'll try to work systematically, starting with nit-picks from the poem then moving to things like flow and word choice Etc. So here goes.
1. "Fireflies hover like stars
That haven’t quite finished falling"
This line is gorgeous. The imagery is perfect and the metaphor is lovely. I LOVE this line.
2. However..."Fireflies hover like stars
That haven’t quite finished falling
And dance over streaks of brightness in her hair and welcomings
In her shadowed irises."
I feel as though these should be 2 separate sentences. The first is so lovely on its own that it doesnt need a second half. Change "and" to "they" maybe.
3. "She’s forgotten how to talk,
But I can tell the bursting of beauty in her mind
By ghostly lips curled into a half smile"
You go from talking to beauty. Are you saying what she would say or her voice is beautiful? Or was there a disconnect?
4. "But she’s only tall enough
To peek over the edge of the sill"
This sentence doesn't need to start with "but" because "I" and her hight don't connect. If they do make the connection more obvious.
Flow: Perfect for the most part. The sentences are consistant enough to make sense and inconsistant enough to be interesting. It's like reading a dream. I love it.
Grammar: Seems just fine. Well done.
Overall it's amazing. The Imagery is wonderful as is the metaphor. Keep writing, I'm excited to read more.
Happy Review Day,
Emoti