Young Writers Society

Hey there, hippyhoodrat!

I was immediately drawn to this poem because I've tried to write the same one! I love seeing how other people express artistic expression in other forms through writing, because I know the emotions can be similar, but describing painting just never seems as elegant when I try it!

I will say that I was a little shocked when it said "i gave you the wrong chest/ yours is much bigger" because that usually refers to breasts. I know it works in the description you've written, because technically a larger chest holds a larger heart, but the common use of it is different, so it is a bit jarring. Maybe wrong body? Wrong spirit? Wider? Spacious? A change of words could help?

I love the idea of pretending it will fit in my pocket, because it brings out the emotion of trying to own that person in the same way that the speaker tries to own them by painting them. It's honest and easily contrasts the set up of that stanza.

But obviously, what I really love is the complication we get when instead of simple size mistakes, we are mistaking one person for another, and we are getting into more complicated emotions. The phrase "brushstrokes meant for him" feels to me to imply that "his" brushstrokes would be better, but you communicate that's not true by saying he is a sketch where the listener is fauvism, etc. So we get to wondering -- did the speaker in the poem value someone too much and come back to the "right" person? How does that feel? Is it an apology? Is it just inner feeling not to be communicated? Are we getting such an inside personal look? We wonder if this message will be actually communicated to the listener, and I love considering that relationship. It's even more complicated because of the addition of the reader.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you in some way! If you have any questions/comments about this review, please PM me or reply here!

Good luck, and thanks for sharing,

Hannah

Hello there, I’m alliyah, here to review your poem.

Overall I liked this concept of seeing the disconnect between a portrait and a person, you add a layer of complexity in the second half when we learn there’s a second subject of love in the speaker’s life.

I think that this transition from the speaker critiquing the first portrait, to seeing that it’s wrong because it’s not “him” could start a new stanza. There could even be stanza breaks before “I painted you twice” and “I’ve painted you for the last time” to add clarity. Actually now that I’m re-reading it, I’m not sure if the “him” refers to a whole other person, or if it’s still the subject or “you” from the first lines. I think it could be read as either and I’m not sure it’s negative that it’s ambiguous, but could potentially be a bit confusing.

I liked the images you used especially with the eyes, and light, but I think that maybe in the second time you reference “size” (in the line “you were too big for his small canvas”) you could change it up so that you don’t have to references to size in the same piece – maybe add some more variance. I think that this poem has potential for even more imagery to be used because describing a painting is naturally a very visual experience.

Another suggestion I had was that it gets a little confusing and seems almost inconsistent at first that some “I”s are capitalized and some aren’t. I think that even when starting a new sentence it might be good to choose capital or non-capital and just stick to it to make the piece look more cohesive. That’s of course just my personal opinion, and of course is up to you to decide.
Overall, the concept was really quite creative and you executed it well. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Best,
~alliyah

Hello, Hippyhoodrat! Happy review day from team Papyrus!

If you've followed me, I'm sure you know that I adore poetry, and one's that rhyme at that. However, this (even though it doesn't rhyme) is very interesting, and I like it. Enough praise though as I'm sure you already know how good this poem is.

Title/Category

It definitely suits the "Romantic" section! I don't quite understand what the title "T17" means though. Care to explain?

Grammar/Punctuation

I guess you're all good there since this seems to be of the modern standard. I would capitalize all the i's that stand alone. You missed one in stanzas 2,6,8, and 10.

Meaning/Tone

The meaning itself isn't clear to me, but I think it has something to do with how you view the people in your life and who you associate them with. The tone seems to be a sad and regretful one.

I'm not sure what else to cover... it's really sweet and sad and unique, and I like it so maybe I'm bias; but I think there is nothing left for me to say since it's modern and therefore doesn't require capitalization or punctuation. Keep writing!

~Keep

Hey there! Honeymoon here for a review! I haven't review in forever so I am still getting into the swing of things

okay first of all, I lovee paintings, drawings, basically everything artistic. Reading this poem, you used lovely metaphors that really portray the creative feel you wanted to show to the reader.

I also really enjoy how in each "painting" you did of this boy, you show a flaw the narrator did, clearly showing that the narrator is not perfect at portraying this masterpiece of a guy.

I could go on about capitalization or punctuation but that isn't needed for poems specifically.

That being said, I do have a little bit of criticism that could or could not help.

I would like to comment on the format. You could combine some of the lines together or even acted some grammar just to help the flow better.
Also, putting the poem in separate stanzas between each time the narrator "paints" him and the last 3 lines would also help improve the flow and make it easier to read and switch emotions/settings ect.

Next,

I've painted you for the last time

everything is wrong, i painted you as him

but you were too big for his small canvas

I am sorry I painted you in brushstrokes meant for him

You are fauvism where he is a sketch

You are watercolor where he is fingerpaint

You are mine where he is not.

I've painted you for the last time

i painted you as him and everything was wrong

but you were too big for his small canvas

I am sorry I painted you in brushstrokes meant for him

You are fauvism where he is a sketch

You are watercolor where he is fingerpaint

You are mine where he is not.