Forever will never be long enough
I never want to see the end of our road
My feet don't get tired when our hands are locked
I could walk forever in the shoes you've made me
The end of me will come before I'm ready to give my last kiss
The end of you will come before I think I've said my final 'I Love You'
We deserve a clock with more numbers
A calendar with more days
You've always been too big for those boxes
Too much for the ticks of existence
The end of you will come before I've said goodbye to my whole self
You will take your piece anyway
The last hug will be given on a day when we think we have not run out of boxes
The clock will stop ticking anyway.
We'll learn forever's death certificate matches ours
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Dear Hippyhoodrat,
EccentricRose has dropped by to review your work!
The first two lines were an excellent job of introducing the reader to the poem, to give me a quick foreshadowing of what the rest of it will be about. I especially like the part about the clock and calendar. Since romance poems are written quite often, creativity like that is needed to make it more unique and interesting to the reader.
I am a little confused with the boxes but I'm sure it's just me who is missing the picture, and can't figure it out.
All in all, what a great job!
~Rose
It meant like the boxes on a calendar. Each day.
And thank you for the review
*facepalm* Now I feel dumb for not realizing it. Thanks for enlightening me!
And no problem. It was a pleasure to read. Thanks for posting!
Hello there, my name is Danny and I will be reviewing your awesome work today! Oh boy, this is so exciting! First I will state the positives and then slowly work down into the negatives. Alright, let's get this party started!
Alright, I just wanted to say that I adored your poetic structure. I mean, it is absolutely perfect. It is easy to follow and looks very professional. I also like the tenderness in each phrase, it does not only make me think about what romance is but it also makes me think about how hard it will be to say goodbye. Oh! There is this one section that I need to point out that just made me laugh and laugh!
Here I just died because I read the whole thing wrong. Instead of reading "You've always been too big for those boxes." I read "You've always been too big for those boxers." Once I realized that I read it wrong I was just like wow XD Anyway, I just adored that section because it is like one of those text that makes you feel super dumb. You read something and think you are reading it right but are reading it wrong.
Alright, there are a few things I realized in this specific work. One important thing is PUNCTUATION! During this whole work I only saw one period. There should be many periods. You don't want reader's to keep on reading without a break don't you? And plus, it is good to have periods because it keeps the work short and sweet. You should also be adding commas as well to cut each of the phrases. Here is a example using both periods and commas.
"Forever will never be long enough,
I never want to see the end of our road."
That is how it should look like, well in my opinion of course.
Alright, that is all I have today. Keep it short ad sweet my friend and happy writing.
Thank you! & his boxers fit just fine LOL!