Young Writers Society

Hey Hippyhoodrat!

I really, really love the concept of this poem. I think the title is exceptionally well chosen and your refrain of "we learned how to kiss silently" is a supremely beautiful line and I think you should be hella chuffed about it, because it's really splendid.

That's the pleasant bit out of the way, to be honest. I'm not a huge fan of the rest of this poem. I can see what you're doing and how you're trying to do it, but it's coming through as really forced for me. Now, I know that this won't be for everyone - you've already got reviews that prove that! However, I think that it's important to lay down why this isn't working for me as well. One of the things is super simple, and that's that in two lines you begin with "instead" even though you aren't comparing it to anything, which is surprisingly jarring.

This question of wording slides through the whole poem for me. You have some gorgeous lines like "I tried to fold myself into him" which is basically a perfect line, it's beautiful and evocative and clear in intent and image. But then you also give me lines like "He never had to tell me I had x-ray eyes" which is, frankly, pretty ugly. The red lenses you reference in the previous couplet works perfectly well to suggest x-ray and I think that it's superfluous. The second line in that couplet about the portrait is contrived when coupled with the x-ray but is stark when left on its own.

My suggestion would be to read these lines out loud - you'll feel silly but listen to how they flow, what your voice catches on and what you might have to read twice. Those points are ones you'll need to edit, because your brain knows what doesn't fit. If nothing seems wrong and you read it smoothly no problem, then I suggest you look at each couplet and ask yourself "Who is this person?" because right now there's only a bare minimum suggestion toward the characters in the poem, but you can flesh that out with some clever pruning.

Thanks for posting this, I've enjoyed reading it! Please feel free to hit me up if you make any changes or have any questions or queries.

- Penguin.

Hello, steampowered here for a review and to welcome you to YWS! I’m trying to get more into reviewing poetry, so hopefully this feedback will be helpful. If not… yeah, I guess I could do with some more practice. So here goes:

I liked this poem. It explored a topic that I don’t really see many literary works about, and it was a love poem with a difference. However, I do have a few little critiques to make:

seeing each other through red lenses

I told him once, his laugh kept me sane
he sowed me a pillowcase of giggles
stitched me a blanket of smiles

But he touched my chest anyway
trying to repair the only thing he couldn't feel

Hey hippy!
I really like this. You're a really talented poet.

I really like the images of this, and how they flow together, and how vivid they are. It's a beautiful picture it creates in my mind. I like how it loops back to the beginning and comes full-circle. I like how you stuck to a consistent theme that was easy to understand. There's a ton I like about this poem, and not much I don't like. But this is a review, and I must give some critiques.

I could paint portraits of his heart on the backs of my hands

I told him once, his laugh put me to sleep