Rubber Immortal, Part Two

Hi there, I'm here again for another review.

She feels stupid for leaving her shoes, but she has nowhere to go, so she doesn't worry about it too much.

Now, I know the feeling of being kicked out, of having nowhere to go, and I took to my truck just like you did when that happened, but you got a home here.

nowhere is one word, not two.

The earthy smell of the stew was is making filling the room, and making it difficult to push more conversation into the air, so James stops.

Okay this doesn't make sense.

Overall impression... It was still confusing, but I'm kind of getting used to the tire being alive. It was well written, like last time. The only thing that bothered me was the dream. It was confusing. I know a dream's supposed to be confusing and with tons of random things, but this was really over the top. I like that she sees tires, but who's Harry? I guess, you're going to explain that later on? I hope so, because I hate when people leave me hanging.

Keep writing!

-Other One

All right, love, I'm confused now.

It bounces its face against the lip of the first step

Make it clear that you're talking about the tire here. There's no mention of it and then you're talking about it as if you did mention it and so that was left hanging for a moment.

Did she stay out all night? You might want to make that clear, since I wasn't sure if the dream sequence was a memory, or if she actually did stay the night in her car.

Wait, Chief volunteers at the senior center? When was this mentioned before? It just sort of comes out of the blue here. Perhaps talk about how it makes Chief feel, why he does it, something.

I'm sensing a sort of attempt at eccentric whimsy. I'm seeing glimmers of potential awesome. But it's all being swung at me so fast and so hard that I'm missing out on anything. I mean, the dream sequence was perhaps supposed to convey a sort of history for Ruth. But up to this point, we haven't been given any reason to think she was anything other than an ordinary renter. What makes her special? What happened in her past? I'm not saying tell us everything up front because some mystery is nice, but some hinting in her viewpoint at least would be nice, rather than us having James there to conveniently infodump.

I like your descriptions. I really do. The images are vivid and I like some of the ideas here. But without any sort of emotional understanding, I'm lost. The weirdness of the situation is becoming alienating without an emotional center in your characters.

~GryphonFledgling

Hey there again! Sorry this review did not follow the other. The site crashed on me!

Anyways...

Quotes 'N' Comments

“I've had enough. I've so had enough,” she hisses to herself as she stumbles down the stairs.

I wish you would have been more clear about this. There seem to be so many things going on in her life, that I don't know what she's whining over. If you could make it a bit clear, like her thinking about it before. I want to assume that it's about James, but I can't be sure due to the fact that I don't know why she ran away, and why she's living in a tire's house.

As she steps past the tire and runs out the door without thinking of putting her shoes back on, she can hear it creak-pop-laughing.

So a second ago, it seems as if the tire is crying? With the wet tissue and all? If that isn't true then clear it up. And now he's laughing? Is this tire crazy or something? And why does the fact that it's trying to get up the stairs to her seem like an act of affection? Am I just crazy or is that what you were going for?

and I was worried you might have run away again,

I don't like this. My favorite part about James was that he wasn't all sympathetic. And when a person goes through things in a story, it's always amusing to read about those characters that don't comfort the main every other second. I just found this really random, that he eased up on her so much. I can see why you wrote it like this, but maybe you could keep a little bit of his stern personality in there. It's a bit confusing since it seems like his entire personality is changed in this passage. He's usually extremely defensive, and how he's opening up to her?

“Well, yeah, sure. That's fine. No big deal. Just let me know if you want to come with us tomorrow or some other time, okay? You're welcome to help, and we could use you. Chief won't ask you. He's too proud. But I ain't.”

Again this seems weird to me. In the first chapter, James was entirely defensive, while the tire just seemed to sit back and let whatever happen. He didn't react to her coming into the house or anything, while James did. I

Dream Scene

Harry is there, but he is shrunken and his nose sticks out too far from his face, culminating in a bright red bulb.

I, just as Pink, find this dream passage extremely confusing. I'm going to do the entire review of it here, starting out with this quote.

So, what I want to know is if Harry's face is usually like this? Because when you say 'but,' it seems as if your main character is comparing his looks in this scene to the way he normally looks. And since I've never read a description of how Harry looks before this dream, I don't know if the worms are making him look different or what. You might want to clean up your word choice a bit.

“What are you doing? There are cakes to be baked back home, Ruthie-doo. Pack up and run back and sneak up the stairs and crawl back into bed. Don't forget antiseptic, Ruthie-doo.”

So she listens to the worm? I don't know, I think that it might work the worm talking to her, but I think it would be a whole lot better if you had Harry tell her to go home. It would show that she still loves him or something like that. And you're more inclined to listen to a person you know than a worm, even in your dream.

I think that this dream would be the perfect opportunity to give us some insight into her life. Maybe give some subtle hints as to why she ran away, and introduce Harry to us. From what I remember we don't learn about Harry in the first chapter, and to introduce him so suddenly is confusing.

Overall

Just as the first, this was really interesting. I hoped by now we would have some explanation as to why there are tires living. But, you might never explain that. In your story it might just be a normal thing since day one, and that's fine. We'll just have to find out over time.

I would like more information on your main character. You don't have to open up her entire life story, but hinting to us little things, like where she used to live, or why she ran away. Not bit hints, just small coincidences, like how you introduced Harry into the dream. It makes me think that her running away had something to do with him, since we usually dream about things that are bugging us or are on our minds.

I think that you need to work on your characters a bit. James and the tire seem a little undeveloped, like you don't really know who they are. I think that you want James to be a perfect character, and that's fine, just be sure not to contradict yourself like you did above (what I pointed out). Make sure his actions represent how you think his personality is.

I'm really excited to read more. I'll be looking out for more installments of this!

Keep writing,

Classy

Bonjour encore –

I guess the trouble with writing something funny all the way is that you either (a) have to escalate the humour or (b) have little climaxes of humour and periods of seriousness and calm while we wait for the punchline. There are parts in this second bit that drag somewhat while we wait for the real humour to kick in, or while we wait for it to escalate. Some things become predictable.

but can't remember where she put anything, because after James left it was sort of a red, embarrassed blur, spreading over the room like a blush.

Oooooh. Now, you’ve got me curious as to their relationship. A red embarrassed blur. You are aware of the connotations of this. I wonder if the suggestiveness serves any purpose. I’d rather it didn’t; keep the story less cluttered. Anyway, their relationship holds no interest value whatsoever in comparison to the mystery of the tyre.

“I've had enough. I've so had enough,” she hisses to herself as she stumbles down the stairs. Then she freezes. She hears a creak-pop at the bottom step of the stair. It bounces its face against the lip of the first step, then leans its saggy Kleenex side against the first railing. It pushes itself up. It limps toward her, an asymmetrical rhythm of thumps on the carpeted stairs. It stops on the step below her.

“I'm going out,” she says to the tire. “I'm going out and I'll be back tomorrow morning.” As she steps past the tire and runs out the door without thinking of putting her shoes back on, she can hear it creak-pop-laughing.

Very amusing. What makes it more real, however, is your lack of one-sidedness. While everything is funny, there is a clear, frustrated undertone to the story – Ruth is out of her depth here, struggling, embarrassed, ashamed, somewhat deranged. ‘Creak-pop-laughing’ – works, unlike some other parts.

Ruth dreams uncomfortably in the reclined seat of her car. Harry is there, but he is shrunken and his nose sticks out too far from his face, culminating in a bright red bulb. She reaches out her hand to try to pick the cherry and he begins to cry lemons, asking,
“Why, Ruthie-doo? Please take me back? Pwease, baby-cakes, pwease?” She shudders at his coddling and turns her head to watch the mobile hanging above her crib instead. It spins and on it hangs six old, crumbling tires. They're all cracking and popping and laughing, and at the top of the mobile it says “give up, don't speak that way, take me back, i'm good for you, you're ignorant”. She can't bear to watch the tires hack up their lungs and so she looks back at Harry, but there are orange worms and maggots crawling out of the flesh of his cheeks. They eat holes in his face and squirm about in the air, trying to find something to grab on to. He has a beard of worms. One worm crawls out of James' nose and asks,
“What are you doing? There are cakes to be baked back home, Ruthie-doo. Pack up and run back and sneak up the stairs and crawl back into bed. Don't forget antiseptic, Ruthie-doo.” The worm fades into a long, brown frown and the tires tumble down onto Ruth's face, stone still.

I have read this three times and I still feel clueless. How old is Ruth, to be addressed as ‘Ruthie-doo’ and to have mobiles hanging over a crib? Who is Harry in relation to her? I liked the connection with tyres here, and the repetition of cracking, popping and laughing. If she is a very young child here, then would she not be too young to bake cakes and know what antiseptic was? And the first line seems far too mature for a younger Ruth.

Ruth walks up the sidewalk to the front door ……………………………………
looks at the computer monitor. The screen saver is on: red scrolling text moving over a black background.

That whole block was the draggy part. It’s the only place where I can say nothing of interest happens. Of consequence, yes. But of interest? No. It loses its charm there and brings us back into the grey and dusty world of reality

Spice it up more – and definitely cut out unnecessary things. I don’t need to point them out to you; just get rid of the meat stuffing and cut to the chase. You’re losing your sharpness, otherwise.

Regardless, you made me laugh, so thank you for that.

PM me if you want to discuss this!


Navita

Hey again! Here for part two
Again, Pink covered most of it. I've got only one niptick...

The earthy smell of the stew is making is filling the room and making it difficult to push more conversation into the air, so James stops.

I'd put a 'is' here or a coma, whichever you prefer, to break up the sentence.

The plot didn't really unfold here either so, like Pink, I am expecting something more? I'm hopping this is only an introduction to a 'long' short story You've givin us something on Harry so I'm also hopping you will give us some explanation on him soon on who he is, why he is in her dream (weird dream that is) and you are starting to build on your James character as well.
Your descriptions are very good, in a world like this, it's very important so we understand how it is and all this. It's very weird in a cool way and you make us see the whole picture really good

I'm looking forward to all the answers I'm hoping to get in the next parts.
Keep writing!

-Truth-

Hi Hannah, I'm here to review the next part

but can't remember where she put anything, because after James left it was sort of a red, embarrassed blur, spreading over the room like a blush.

So I don't understand what you're trying to convey with this part. I mean, are you trying to somehow say that she was so embarrassed that she wasn't paying any attention to where she put any of her things?
If so, I suggest you change this sentence around a little so it makes little more sense. I think the 'it' in there was making it even more confusing...

Ruth dreams uncomfortably in the reclined seat of her car. Harry is there, but he is shrunken and his nose sticks out too far from his face, culminating in a bright red bulb. She reaches out her hand to try to pick the cherry and he begins to cry lemons, asking,

“Why, Ruthie-doo? Please take me back? Pwease, baby-cakes, pwease?” She shudders at his coddling and turns her head to watch the mobile hanging above her crib instead. It spins and on it hangs six old, crumbling tires. They're all cracking and popping and laughing, and at the top of the mobile it says “give up, don't speak that way, take me back, i'm good for you, you're ignorant”. She can't bear to watch the tires hack up their lungs and so she looks back at Harry, but there are orange worms and maggots crawling out of the flesh of his cheeks. They eat holes in his face and squirm about in the air, trying to find something to grab on to. He has a beard of worms. One worm crawls out of James' nose and asks,

“What are you doing? There are cakes to be baked back home, Ruthie-doo. Pack up and run back and sneak up the stairs and crawl back into bed. Don't forget antiseptic, Ruthie-doo.” The worm fades into a long, brown frown and the tires tumble down onto Ruth's face, stone still.

This entire dream is the most confusing thing I've ever read. I mean, I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Who is harry? Where are the worms coming from and what are they talking about? Calling her ignorant and all? Also, why in the world couldn't she take it anymore? In fact, what couldn't she take? The embarrassment that James caused? I don't recall reading anything the last part that made me question her comfort in the house. Again, I feel like you're jumping from one description to the next without a flow. It's like 'this' and then 'that'.
Like this part:

They eat holes in his face and squirm about in the air, trying to find something to grab on to. He has a beard of worms. One worm crawls out of James' nose and asks,

Where did James come from? Where was he? Where is she? I know it's a dream but there still needs to be a setting. Where is this dream taking place? Hmm, maybe I'm missing something.

She hears a pipe shift somewhere upstairs. There must be a bathroom. Ruth realizes she doesn't know yet.

She doesn't know what yet? She doesn't know there's a bathroom somewhere? If so, I think there is a better wording for this.

and I heard the soup and...

Can you even hear soup? you can hear it cooking? but that's if it's bubbling, normally soup doesn't bubble does it? I'm not a cooking expert but it was just a thought that came across my head while I was reading.

The earthy smell of the stew is making filling the room and making it difficult to push more conversation into the air, so James stops.

There is the repetition of 'making' in there that makes it weird to read. Also, I don't quite understand where you're going with this. Is it like...it smelled so good that they couldn't talk anymore?

“Pieces of Immortality: 786” it reads. Ruth reads it every time it scrolls past on the screen. She stands there for ten minutes, reading, not daring step on the keys and look at the desktop.

This is probably the most interesting thing I've read so far

Overall
It seems like this isn't exactly finished. Knowing that there wasn't any plot so far and no resolution to any sort of climax, I'm guessing there is still more to this. Now, I do have a few things I'd like to talk about. Firstly, I think your descriptions are unbalanced. Like there are parts where you over-explain things and parts where you don't explain enough. So far, I'm still utterly confused with this entire idea. I mean, pieces of immortality, does that mean they are the only things alive? Why are there things talking to her? Who is this James guy and what type of world is she living in? Honestly, you should really expand on that and let us know because otherwise, we're left with nothing to grasp this story. To fully understand it. Next, the places where you do have descriptions, I think they're nice. I mean, your writing is definitely different from anything I've ever read before and that's probably the biggest reason why I have so much to say about this. The main thing I think you should work on is the believability of this story. Right now, I still think the real tire and the talking floors and stuff are weird and they're messing with my head >.<
Although...I do think it's kind of magical in a sense.
I wish you went into more depth with your main character and gave us some background knowledge on her, as well as James. Right now, I have no idea what kind of personalities they carry and what type of feelings they're keeping.
Anyways, that's all I have to say.

~Shear