Young Writers Society

Hi, Hannah -


The last stanza needs revision. "trapped between your straps" has interesting sonic properties but is clumsy for the syllables. Same with the last line.

My Hebrew isn't what it should be, and I haven't heard the Yael Naim song, but I'm interested in how dreaming connects with this poem. Though there's no reason the inspiration for a poem needs to dialogue with the poem in any direct way, my guess right now is that this is an expression of your reaction to the song, i.e. I'm assuming "you" is Yael. Based on the dramatis personae note and the title, I'm reading this as a kind of self-insertion into the song.

The technical aspects, aside from the final stanza, are strong. Good craft, good control of language. For my own tastes, I think I'd prefer a more direct engagement with the music: without the note about its inspiration, what makes this poem any different from a love poem to a guitar teacher? how would we know it's a response to "Lachlom"? Perhaps in your future versions you can work through some of those details and see what is (and isn't) important to you for the readers to grasp.


Take care,
Brad

Hello Han-chan!

feel your fingertips on my guitar
and my pulse beneath your lips
fall into your cotton rainbow love
and your hands slide down my hips

when i loved you and you turned away
and you struck a tender chord
where the minor keys all softly played
(fourths and fifths and thirds adored)