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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi, Hannah -
The last stanza needs revision. "trapped between your straps" has interesting sonic properties but is clumsy for the syllables. Same with the last line.
My Hebrew isn't what it should be, and I haven't heard the Yael Naim song, but I'm interested in how dreaming connects with this poem. Though there's no reason the inspiration for a poem needs to dialogue with the poem in any direct way, my guess right now is that this is an expression of your reaction to the song, i.e. I'm assuming "you" is Yael. Based on the dramatis personae note and the title, I'm reading this as a kind of self-insertion into the song.
The technical aspects, aside from the final stanza, are strong. Good craft, good control of language. For my own tastes, I think I'd prefer a more direct engagement with the music: without the note about its inspiration, what makes this poem any different from a love poem to a guitar teacher? how would we know it's a response to "Lachlom"? Perhaps in your future versions you can work through some of those details and see what is (and isn't) important to you for the readers to grasp.
Take care,
Brad
Hello Han-chan!
I love this first stanza but it needs a bit sprucing up!
I feel that the last two lines don't exactly fit. I know that you're trying to keep a rhyming scheme but I feel that this could be so much more, seeing as though you're an amazing poet.
I truly adore this stanza.
Save for those two lines up above, I really liked this. I liked how this poem had a double meaning! All of your poems are really creative and they make me smile.
Keep writing, dahling!
~Angel