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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi again.
This sentence is a little bit confusing. Are these your shoes? is maybe a more suitable sentence.
That's pretty much it, everyone else did them. Yay, we know a little bit about the characters! The tire is developping well, but what about Ruth? We don't know much about her... Is that coming in the next part? She's the MC after all, so we should know a few things about how she is. Which, right now, I can't tell you anything about how she acts... Not a good thing. This was great, as always.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hey again!
Yes, you've done it. You have made James seem like a sweet and caring individual, but you can still see that he has a lot of passion for defending Chief whenever he can! It says it all right here:
Whatever you do, keep this line!
What I really like and admire about your writing is how realistic the dialogue is. Everything your characters said I thought to myself "I think I've said that before," or "I've heard that in a conversation before." The personalities of your characters don't come out in the text or narration you give, but in their dialogue. This is something that's hard to do. I know that I have to sit there and talk out a conversation to see if I'm doing it right.
The only things I didn't like about this chapter were:
1. The senior center. For one, why isn't Chief doing anything? To get a better understanding of Chief's character, which I hardly know except for how James says that he's very proud, having him interact with the seniors would be good. I realize that he can't say much, but there has to be some bit of personality that comes out in him. Also, the scene isn't very clear. I would like a bit more description about what the place looks like, what the seniors who are talking look like, and how Ruth is sitting. You mention once that she turns to look at the window, but I would like to know if it's a casual turn or if she had to turn her entire body away from them. It would help me understand her feelings on the scene because you don't really tell us. If he had her back turned to them, she would either be nervous or annoyed, but if it was just her head, she might feel awkward.
Also, at one point Chief is there, because a senior is talking to him, and another moment the seniors are talking about him and the operation as if they are talking 'behind his back.' Explain this please?
2. The end. This image is very unclear to me. She looks at the spoon, and the picture, and the sky? Is the spoon in the picture on the dash board? Is she talking about the sky in the picture? A little confused on this.
Plus, I'm not quite sure why you did this. You've already introduced Harry, and we can tell that there's some sort of used-to-be romantic thing about them. Why do you try to use the same cliffhanger twice? It's nearing the end of your story and I hope you are making enough time to explain the end, the reasoning behind her running away, and Harry all in one.
On to the next part!
Classy
Hi Hannah!
Pink here :3
Nitpicks/ Comments
What do you mean by type?
I also don't understand what you mean by saying her tears are catalyst.
Catalyst= Means, method, a medium or some sort of mechanism. (By what I know)
???
You can hear a knock, not feel it. Technically speaking.
*I guess I just wanted to make sure there wasn't any meat rotting...
Sounds better. Unless he's got some sort of accent or something.
This should be replies. I think this was just a tense slip up.
1. I think you overuse the word, 'says'. I would try varying up the sentences here so it doesn't feel like we're reading the same thing over and over again. Try broadening your writing, you have talent, I like the way you describe things but seems like the there's something holding you back for some reason. Maybe it's the overuse of certain words.
I think it might be the way you describe actions and such. They're quite simplistic, the words that you use. Says, laughs, smiles. I would recommend you use some body language to bring out some more description and emotion, plus it builds nicer imagery. I noticed this one you did:
This was a nice description and I liked the imagery here.
Fist of all, thank you! Now I finally get the little bit about the tire and what he wants and needs. Somehow, I feel the pieces of your little puzzle slowly being put together and I'm feeling slightly more comfortable in this world that you've built. Although, I'm still confused with the magic of it. When she steps outside of this house, does everything come to life as well? Are there more tires out there with thoughts and stuff? I want to know that.
That's exactly what I was thinking! XD
Every sentence, except one, starts with 'She did this/that'.
Again, try varying your sentences so we get some sort of variation with your words.
If it was me, I would rewrite this entire paragraph as:
Ruth sits in her car with the door cracked open so that a breeze blows in every few minutes. With the overhead lights turned off, she takes the moment to sit and think, wondering about mortality and what it means to be human. Taking her wallet out from her purse, she slips the photograph of Harry out of the tear in the lining. Cradling it in her palm, she kisses the corner of the silky surface. There is a plastic spoon on the dashboard that catches her attention and her eyes go back and forth from the picture to the spoon. She looks out of the window of the car, seeing stars as they dance over the quiet suburban neighborhood.
That's not the best example but do you see what I mean? Just try using some different variations so it doesn't get boring to read.
Overall
After reading this part, the plot is slowly unfolding and it's becoming easier to understand and read. However, there are still so many questions that have. Mostly based on the world and the events that happened in the chapters before. But I'll save my bigger questions until I've completely read the entire thing, that way you don't need to hear certain questions that you might have already explained in the next chapter.
In this part, I'm glad you described what the tire wants and what he needs to do, or thinks he needs to do in order to become immortal. Why the tire wants that, I'm not exactly sure. I know there are character that crave immortality but it'd be nice if you provided a solid reason. You mentioned he wants to work again, to move again. But is that all?
I''m thinking of the tire as an elder. . .
The elderly person, being too old to walk and work efficiently would crave to be immortal, to be strong forever.
But what happens after immortality? Will he want to continue living? People need to die and I think that's where your story is headed but I'm not sure as of right now. With that said, I'll keep the rest of my comments to myself :3
Now, taking a closer look at your writing, I've noticed a few things. Mostly, there were small bumps that I've already stated before in the little nitpicking section there. I found this part to be less descriptive than your previous parts for some reason, I think it was because of the dialogue that seemed to be taking a lot of space. Anyways, I'm still questioning the characters here. They're still a bit 2D in my opinion and it would have been better if I knew them a little more, heard their thoughts a little more. I know you did a lot better with characterization in this part because I feel closer to Ruth.
James on the other hand is still tipsy for me, haha. I feel like he's still that kind of guy who gets angered easily. Maybe that's the way you wanted him to be, I don't know.
Well, that's all I have to mention right now, I'll have your next part done by tomorrow hopefully
Till then,
~Shear
Hey again! I think Navita has mentioned everything
I only got to say the plot is slowly unfolding and we are learning a bit more on what's going to happen. It's getting along really well. The writing and grammar is great and I'm hoping for part four soon!
Keep writing!
-Truth-
Hey Hannah –
I must say, you timed your breaks rather artfully so that it could have quite easily ended on the second part – and even on this third. Something I am coming to terms with about your writing – there is a bubbliness to it. A feeling of effusion. A very concrete quality to all the surreal things that happen.
In this third section, the first part is great. It has just the oomph for a continuously humorous delivery – the conflict between Ruth and James, the shoe, the mystery of the basement filled with rubber things, immortality – the whole ridiculousness of it all amused me. There is a sense of exaggeration, something fascinatingly oxymoronic here. After that, it’s downhill.
Let’s take a look at it:
It annoys me to point out little things like this that are really of no consequence to you as a writer – ‘laying’ or ‘lying’? Pretty sure the latter. ‘Draped’ sounds too curtainy. Pick a more solid verb.
Ha – your dodgy descriptions make me so uneasy. They’re great where they’re fully weird – like when describing the tyre – but when they’re halfway weird, they just don’t cut it for me. Since melting the type onto one’s skin using the tears…not impossible, highly improbable and highly unlikely. I prefer you to exaggerate and poke fun at your own exaggerations than halfway exaggerate and be dead serious about a hazy hodgepodge.
Something I missed in the first section, probably- is she on a bunk bed? That’s the only way her foot could reach the top of the door.
Everything in between here is great. Witty, sharp, quirky; exactly what we need, unlike the padding you had in the latter half of section two.
I feel this speech too long. Break it up with comments from Ruth. An eyesore.
I would happily accept this period of seriousness, or, at least, lesser comedy, were you to follow through with something that outdid the previous part in terms of amusement-value. But as it stands, this above part does its job a little mechanically, and we plummet further into uninteresting details:
I assume things about this bizarre para of dialogue will be revealed later on. He says, ‘keyboards are magical’ and then ‘I always knew Dance Hands could keep ’em between the ditches’ – you know what association we make, right? That he’s saying that Dance Hands could keep the (magical) keyboards between the ditches. Whatever the heck does that mean?! (I apologise if my lack of slang knowledge is the reason for my confusion).
Great line – ‘stuffs his rising emotions back down his throat’ – but. You’re switching character focus here. Why talk for a million or so paragraphs from Ruth’s perspective and then switch suddenly to James’? We’re already dislocated in time and place here from where we were before – why dislocate us further with narrative perspective?
Also, I am finding it difficult to pinpoint what I want from you in the following passage:
The Spoons thing was mildly interesting. The conversation felt like a filler. A placeholder. I want more pruning. Maybe try deleting the whole lot, and writing the convo without quotation marks – just he told him that…she heard that… - and that’ll help you sort out the superfluous from the necessary.
Heh, I know this is Galerius’ domain, but if I may use something Greek to describe how this feels to be, I’d say something of the downhill slide in Greek tragedy, anagnoresis. I don’t like the obviousness of ‘she wonders about mortality and what it means to be human’ – that’s pretty much the thought at the forefront of our minds while being amused by all this talk of tyres and immortality anyway. It does nothing here; we know she’s thinking that – we’re thinking that – so it’s a bit pointless. It’s in every action of hers, anyway.
I am getting a sense of who Harry might be, now. I like that – that gradual reveal. Obviously, I’ll expect to see more in the fourth part. And you are doing your tongue-in-cheek puns again – there’s a spoon on her dashboard. Somehow, though, this story has become very, very sad all of a sudden. A shift in emotion. There’s something so desperate and hopeless about wanting immortality – and the tyre just makes it sadder. Death is looming rather hard on this section of the tale.
I await you posting the fourth part…so I can review that as well.
Navita