Young Writers Society

^___________^ Eeeh, thanks for all the comments on this, everyone! <3

The tense shift from present to past in stanza I is not needed, in my opinion. It would be far better to keep it in the present tense - this will add immediacy to the scene.

This is the only real line I didn't get. What is "ceph'lus"?

So maybe you could make the subject matter just a bit more clear, without being too obvious.

Wow. I love the darkness, I love the imagery, I love the alliteration, rhyme and rhythm, I love the morbid beauty. *triple thumbs up*

However, the only thing is, I don't understand what it's ABOUT, exactly. I got the vague impression it was about a woman who used men? But it also occurred to me that it could be about a vampire or zombie or some fantasy thing, the title makes me think vampire. So maybe you could make the subject matter just a bit more clear, without being too obvious.

Your blog said this was in need of reviews!

Sink the saw into the ceph'lus.

Wow, this is wonderful
I love the emotion
I love the imagery, its like I can see it.
Really makes one shiver

Hey there! I review this in return for your very useful evaluation of my poem!

I noticed the rhyme scheme changes from pararhyme (half rhyme) in stanza I to full rhyme in stanza II and then back to pararhyme. The symmetry is great, if that's what you intended. Pararhyme is useful if you want to create eerie effects.

There's some beautiful imagery in this poem, especially in the middle stanza:

"In the echo of my ego,
tying time to taste,
I boil brains and brawn together
as they fall to waste."

The alliteration is well executed (pun not intended), but less of it in such a small space would help. Every so often 'tis appropriate, but not in every single line. That's overkill, I think, particularly in a short piece. Keep the decent stuff few and far between and cut out or rephrase everything else; that way, the impact will be far greater!

The tense shift from present to past in stanza I is not needed, in my opinion. It would be far better to keep it in the present tense - this will add immediacy to the scene. The brackets in this stanza should also be round, as previously suggested. Punctuation could be improved too in places (comma after brackets is meaningless, as the reader will naturally pause) but your literary fluency is starting to show. Well done!

Good work!

Gahks

8/10

Hi there Hannah! It's June!

[Gosh I haven't reviewed you in so long!]

I think this is great. Not just plain great, but like, supertastically great. It's slightly... morbid

Also! I don't think you should use the { } *is slightly geeky* but, it's grammatically incorrect. I can find some information to back that up, but I'm a bit too lazy? Parentheses should replace those.

Also! Where you have a colon should really be a semicolon, dear.

I love the alliteration and rhyme that you use here. Everything flows just perfectly; I don't think there's really any flaw in this.

*clicks gold star*

Great job, dear. Brilliant

Juniper

Well, I have to say that this is a very nice poem, Hannah. Of course, I already said that on MSN, but I feel a need to repeat it. Though quite morbid and nasty throughout, I thought that your words flowed together quite nicely, and played off of each other just as fine. Don't feel too bad about cutting cephalus in half, as many of the great poets would often do that as well. Again, very good.

This is great! Wonderful alliteration (that always makes me happy, since I can never pull it off). Some rhythm issues, but I'll forgive that.
This is all like, dark and eerie and scary. I had to read it a few times just to get the full effect (but that's a good thing that I actually wanted to read it more than once!).
I couldn't find any nitpicks. It's just too good. You have some real talent!
Gold star!

I didn't get the last line...but on the other hand It's 00.44 in Finland and I'm very tired which could affect me. I like the rhyming, as it works well and flows well. However I did not like the line "in the echo of my ego", for reasons I can't quite put to words. Also I wonder why you have {} in the "where I mend my men", as they are in my opinion unnecessary and confusing. Overall very good work.

-write on ( I was supposed to have a quote here but didn't find a good unused one)

'Ello Hannah!

Ooh I quite like this. It's dark and very spooky. It sent shivers down my spine as I was reading. I really really liked it. Ah, I really didn't see anything to nit-pick at so good job!

*Clicks Gold Star*

Cheers!

~Angel