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139,783 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hannah, this shall be my worst review ever.
That was simply amazing. It got me locked in it from the start, and I would not change a word. Do not scrap it, and yes, it can stand on its own. My gosh, this was beautiful.
Hi, Hannah! Here I am!
Nah, nothing should ever be scrapped. And even if something should, this shouldn't. I kind of like this as it is -- while it would most likely be nice to see this expanded, I don't know if it's worth the risk... what if it doesn't work? It's a pretty piece by itself.
Okay, so you have two kinds of repetition in this excerpt. Firstly, you have the good, effective kind of one "them - them - them" and then too-far-from-each-other-to-look-like-it's-intentional kind of "under the couch". If you replace the latter part of the sentence with "because I can feel them", not only will it sound smoother, but it will also give a nice boost to the "them - them - them".
Also, the ending line would be even more effective if you emphasized the coffee in the beginning a little. The first time I read it, I thought "Nice line. What does it have to do with anything?" but then I remembered the coffee being mentioned in the beginning. It was just so in passing, it was almost left unnoticed. So, if you just bring it out a bit, then I think it will be just fine.
Just some suggestions.
Demeter
x
Hannah! Long time no see! Here as requested, albeit a little belated. =)
Well, this was certainly a lovely little piece. The ambiguity was done very, very well.
You want to know where to go with this - and frankly, I don't know. Right now, it has a fantastic quality to it, in that it's short, sweet and mysterious. The actual idea of someone losing their lover and being left with a daughter is nothing new; it's the emotions that you pull off that make it work.
However, that shouldn't matter. Copy this onto a new word document and play around with it. It could be made into a letter, perhaps to be put onto a gravestone (if this person is dead) or you could write it into a larger novel - but like I said, the actual story that we have is nothing original and you should only turn it into something much bigger if you have a (very good) story. Otherwise, you'll just cheapen it.
I'd actually like to see some of these ideas told from the daughter's viewpoint, because when someone leaves many people are affected, and in different ways - that might be a nice way to develop characters yet still keep that mysterious atmosphere going. Maybe you could have a number of characters all writing in a similar format but with different voices, and we gradually understand what has happened to him/her. Just ideas.
If none of that works, well, at least you've still got a great little story.
Hope that helped,
Mark
I agree with Stori. Wow.
Your writing skills are amazing! If I could write like you, I'd be dancing around my house! Seriously though, I can't really find any nit-picks or things for you to improve on!
As for your questions, it definitely should not be scrapped! If you even think about scrapping it, I'll come over to your house with a flamethrower and burn you. I won't really.... that's a bit harsh.
I think that it should be expanded, definitely. I'm not entirely sure what you could do, but judging on what you've already done, you're bound to think of something good!
I will definitely be looking out for more of your work! Well done!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Wow. That's about all I have to say.