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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey there Hannah! So, I'll first point out grammar, then certain things in the story I noticed, then just overall. My second crack at critique here we go...
Grammar:
I didn't really find all that much, but this is what I did find:
I think you mean "Margo didn't notice"
I'm assuming you meant "Lucy thought Sam Anderson's house..."
Wicked easy things to fix
Things in the story I noticed:
You never really explain who they think Sam Anderson is, and maybe you want it that way, but I think it would be more helpful to maybe explain what they've either heard about him or what they came up with on their own. They obviously think he's a powerful person, but why do they think he's so powerful?
You also mention a ditch in the story a couple times but it seems like its filled with 2 different things.
The first time you mention flowers coming out of the grass:
and the second time you mention water in the ditch and the beheaded milk cartons in the water:
Was the floating milk carton on the other side of the dam they built? If so you might want to mention that somehow. Or did the water dry up in certain places? You could easily add something to that to explain it.
The last paragraph I couldn't really understand what was going on, even after I read it over. I'm not sure if Lucy got hit by the man with the truck or Margo, but I think it was Lucy...
Anyway, I think you should slow it down a bit and maybe add a little more detail as to who's doing what and what happened.
Just some thoughts.
Overall:
Overall I liked the story! I liked the history the two girls have on that street looking for Sam Anderson all those years, and that they made such a tradition out of it, it warms my heart =3
Its sad though, that Margo didn't accept what Lucy did and tried to get away from her causing what happened in the last paragraph to happen.
But awesome work none the less! Keep it up!
-Irish
Hannah! Finally, I'm here...sorry it took so long. But I got my computer back! Anyway.
I assumed this was her mother, or a parental figure of some sort, as my mother always said that to me, but I can see how it could be confusing.
Also, having read the entire story, I'd like to point out the nice use of subtlety here - in the old days, it seems, Lucy and Margo would have been out for ages, doing everything together, but now Lucy seems like she's just waiting for their mandatory hanging-out time to be over. Nice ^__^
Okay, so when I read this, I was all excited and like, "Yes! I'm curious! I want to know, too!" but it seems like you just sort of...forgot about this by the end. It would be easy to do, with all the drama about Georgette, but I think you still need some sort of closure on that - they don't actually have to solve obviously, but I dunno, something in her thoughts, or Lucy notices a clue at the very end - the man in the car is Sam Anderson! No, just kidding, that would be kind of lame. XD But you get the point.
Totally a barely-significant nitpick - but I think you could cut the second 'up,' just to delete repetition and unnecessary wording. *suggestion*
Same here, I think you could easily end the sentence after 'shared with Margo' and it would be a lot less clumsy to read. As you're basically saying the same thing twice.
I thought she was wearing brand-new yellow clogs?
Favorite part right here. It's lovely, Hannah.
Yeah, I agree that this is way too rushed. Actually, I read it a couple of times and I still am not sure what happened; Margo...gets run over? Or Lucy? Or Margo runs across the road and Lucy follows but doesn't make it or the force of Lucy's hands on Margo push her out or... So yeah, clarification, for sure. ^__^
So, both this and Gardening, I've noticed, are a step away from your usual poetic style darling. Which is totally fine, even though I love your style, because I love simplicity as well, and it can probably be attributed to the deadline for the contest being in three days (ahh I need to write one more entry still) but I just felt like pointing it out, especially since it's such a contrast to In Place of Mortar.
xxx
-Mars
Hey!!! I wanna say real quick, I love the Lucy name. It's awesome. Like Holly, I really didn't see much stuff to nitpick. But I do want to talk about the characters.
Lucy
Okay, so first of all, you don't put much detail in Lucy. Try to add some details about what she looks like.
Margo
Basically, the same thing for her. Add some detail about her.
Um, yeah, other than that, your characters were really good. You just need to get to know the characters a bit better, then you'll fly with them.
So, I liked this story. I hope you write more. Sorry for such a short review, but there wasn't much that I could see that needed to be fixed!
Lucy
Holly has arrived, here as promised! I shan't hesitate to begin. Lucky for you, there won't be too many nitpicks because I didn't find a whole lot of things to point out.
I'm a bit confused as to who's talking there, in the beginning. I'd say Margo, but Lucy's response makes me think she's talking to someone else. Like her mother, perhaps. If she were talking to Margo, it'd be better read as "We won't be gone that long." In any case, I think you may want to clarify who is talking.
I don't think that the 'hadn't shared with Margo' part is needed, since we can pretty much guess that Margo wouldn't have been there at that time. I think it'd be just as well like "It was a night she hadn't told Margo about."
This is just... far too rushed. I couldn't imagine what was going on, or even comprehend what was happening. I'm guessing Margo got ran over? But it's really unclear and confusing, leaving me a little unsatisfied with the ending. Don't worry, though, it should be easy to fix. Just slow it down a little bit, let the suspense rise just a moment longer, and describe more clearly what happened. After that, the ending will be satisfying.
As for the overall story:
I like the concept of having this Sam Anderson fellow included in the story, but I have no idea who he is or why they've been looking for him for so many years. When you have something other than the main plot of the story included in, we sort of need answers, you know? I'm so confused about the whole Sam Anderson thing, I'm left with more questions than I started with. xD I think you need to explain who he is briefly and why the two girls have spent so much of their life worrying about him. Perhaps when you're talking about some of their childhood memories, introduce his part of the story.
Those are the only things I seem to find wrong with the story. You mainly just need to polish it up and clarify, really, and that's about it. I really love your descriptions of things around them. Though they may not be necessary to the story, I like how easily I can picture where they're at in my mind, with the trash and litter and forgotten things. Definitely the best thing about this story. The characters are quite good too, though I'd like to know a bit more about Lucy and Margo. It's not absolutely needed, though.
Anyway, sorry this is such a small review. Just work on the story a bit more, and I think you'll have a good chance of winning the contest! Good luck!
-Holly