Young Writers Society

I adore this poem. That's it, really. I love it so much, it has so much meaning and emotion. You effortlessly put into words some really difficult to express emotions, and that's incredibly impressive. As 4revgreen mentioned, you have a fantastic vocabulary. Each word seems like it was chosen with care and slotted into a sentence with zero resistance. You also have a phenomenal flow. I quite like the line "All while moth and vermin devour while the laborers toil at the sheepfold.'

This poem is raw. It's emotional, and honest, and meaningful, and beautiful. It honestly might be one of my favorite poems I've seen on this site.

Hey there!

content
From my understanding, this poem explores the struggles and hopes of a person trying to find meaning in life, while dealing with the hardships of addiction, loss, and betrayal. These were the general themes I got from reading your poem so correct me if I interpreted it wrong in anyway.

word choices
The poem employs a mix of everyday language and figurative expressions to convey the emotional turmoil of the speaker. The use of metaphors such as "frozen skies" and "poisoned needles" create a sense of despair and isolation, while the use of colloquial expressions like "gasp and strangle" and "bloody my nose upon the grindstone" gives the poem a raw and gritty feel.

structure and form
The poem is divided into three stanzas, each with a slightly different tone and mood. The first stanza sets the scene and establishes the theme, the second stanza intensifies the struggle, and the third stanza offers a glimmer of hope. This takes the reader

the rhyme scheme
the first stanza has an ABAB rhyme scheme where the rest have AABB. A consistent scheme may have helped the flow of the poem a little more, but overall the poem does flow nicely and the rhyme scheme helps keep the reader hooked on each line.

improvements

Why is it so hard simply to make it through?

Hopes lie beneath frozen skys, bound to the fatty dreams that youthfulness drew

Sooner or later, your veins are hardened on codeine

Your eyes poisoned needles, your breath fiercer than smoking kerosene

Fiddling with the die, why've you been gambling with my hopes for the future?

Ha! Through the pain and blood I let the dreams back into my lungs as I tear away the tracheal sutures

Hi, sunflower here for a quick review!

So I honestly don't have much to say about this piece other than the fact I absolutely adored it! This poem just displayed such good literacy and I think your vocabulary is immaculate, I just enjoyed this so much! The word choice fit every line, it ran smoothly and everything felt very well put together.

My favorite line has to be:
"Your eyes poisoned needles, your breath fiercer than smoking kerosene"
I swear I could feel it in my chest.

I do admit I first read the title as "A Little Mercury" (Cause I'm not the brightest bulb in the box) which is why initially drew me in but I'm so glad that I read it anyway even though it wasn't mercury because the poem was so good!
Thank you for reading my short little review and I hope you have a fantastic day/night, bye!

P.S: Me thinking it was mercury reminded me of a fun fact that I'll share for a little extra fun- The phrase 'mad as a hatter' came from back when hatters worked with mercury often causing them to go 'mad' because of mercury poisoning so the phrase was coined 'Mad as a hatter'!