Hey GoodieGoat! I’m not far enough into Tolkien’s works to properly engage with some of this I think, but I’ll try my best reviewing these. (I’ve also not played The Legend of Zelda games, though I’ve picked up a bit of the lore here and there online, so hopefully I’ll still be able to give some useful feedback here.)
General Impressions
Pipeweed
The best lines in this poem for me are:
I asked the Elder King "Who Am I to stand against the lord of secondmost craven?"
And Him and Varda responded "Your meekness will make you the most immovable and graven."
The Elder King and Varda’s line is cryptic and slightly ironic in a way that does remind me quite a bit of the prophecies / sayings about the hobbits. Something about the seemingly small and harmless having a hidden strength. I also like the assonance with the repeated [m] sounds in “ [m]eekness will [m]ake you the [m]ost i[mm]ovable”.
Forests of Valinor
Generally, I quite enjoyed the imagery in this poem – it’s very picturesque. My favourite line was:
At the Star Queen's wells I take up the silver chalice, it overflows with pearlescent light,
“pearlescent” is such a lovely way to describe the shine of silver, and evokes the fantastical setting as well. I could also believe that this speaker was someone who delights in this sort of sport based on the way they talk about the forest.
Who Casts The Golden Spell of Salvation
The lines that stood out the most for me here were:
My chosen hero, raise my hallowed blade, forge it anew in the furnace of your suffering, become the exemplar Erl
Drive the sword into the pedestal, begin the ritual dance, be baptized by my refulgent light, by blood summon my goldenfire
I like the ‘turn’ to a more forceful tone. The division of each line into 4 parts (by the commas) gives it a nice rhythm.
The first and third poems have narratives that make me think of ‘hero’s journey’ type stories, or epics. The second poem leans more towards being a lyric poem, describing the everyday beauty of this forest and its significance to the speaker.
Glows – What I liked
Something I liked in all three poems was the ‘broad’ narrative structure. The story in each poem is satisfying to read. It doesn’t feel like there are any glaring loose ends. For ‘Pipeweed’ and ‘Who Casts The Golden Spell of Salvation’ there is a problem introduced in the first part of the poem that the hero needs to solve, and by the final stanza that problem has been solved. The second poem is a bit more open-ended since there was no problem introduced (which is why I said it has more of the feel of a lyric poem than a strictly narrative one) but the speaker’s return home after a day in the forests plus the concluding line “Where could I find such content besides the forests of Valinor?” does give a satisfying ending.
Grows – Ideas to Consider
From what I can tell, these three poems generally have an irregular cadence. For example, if I go by syllable count, the first two stanzas of Pipeweed look like this: 18 syllables – 20 – 18 – 14 – 17 , 23 or 24 – 21 – 23 – 16. Is there an intent to making each line very long? (For reference, one line in a Shakespearan sonnet is 10 syllables.) Long lines are a bit ‘harder’ or more effortful to read aloud or even in your head, so I think as a reader I expect either 1. There is a reason a particular line is long, for instance a long line describing a long trek through the woods or 2. The lines are all consistently long, which as the syllable counts show, doesn’t seem to be the case in this part of Pipeweed, at least. And if my expectations are subverted, I’d like it better if I knew why that happened, by the end of the poem c:
And to Elrond's flood I would add steeds to upon to Ringwraiths prance
This line has 16 syllables, already a bit of a mouthful, but it contains the ‘heart’ of the story where most of the action is happening. So I’d question why this line is shorter than the earlier lines where less action is happening. (Or I’m wondering why this stanza is suddenly full of slightly shorter lines than the previous one.)
Another thing to consider is word choice. One part in ‘Forests of Valinor’ where I thought the word choice really worked was the ‘favourite line’ I quoted earlier. “I take up” rather than “I pick up” conveys the medieval romance / chivalric associations of some high fantasy (including Tolkien, I think, though I’m not 100% sure). It reminds me of a knight ‘taking up’ a sword. “wells” and “overflows” evoke the idea of liquid, so I imagine the light as flowing in a very liquid way. That doesn’t usually happen in real life, which is why my brain accepts this line as something that happened in a fantasy setting.
Meanwhile, I was a bit confused by the following line from the same poem:
The croaking oaks, the bumbling of bees, and the screams of cougars are such a wondrous cadency
“screams” is a word that brings negative connotations to my mind, so I can’t quite believe the speaker when they say it is “wondrous”. I’m not sure that “bumbling” is a sound – it seems more like a way of movement to me, which also has negative connotations.
Overall
The poems are solid enough from a narrative standpoint and I do like the concept of writing poetry based on established fantasy worlds. The attempt to create a poetic voice that could have come from a person within that setting is certainly ambitious, and I think you’ve done quite well in some parts. For example:
All ye faithful descend from the Skycastle
^ This phrase makes me believe the speaker is from a place far away in time from our modern world. I also appreciate the slight assonance between faithful/ Skycastle.
be baptized by my refulgent light, by blood summon my goldenfire
^ from the third poem, the word choices and word order here make the speaker sound like a goddess, authoritative and otherworldly.
If you’re planning on writing more of these or revising some of these poems, my main suggestions would be to consider what feelings certain word choices might evoke (and whether they contradict, and whether that contradiction helps or hinders the poem), as well as to think about rhythm and line length. Additionally, it might be helpful for reviewers to keep it to one poem per post/literary work - I've found that this encourages people to dig a little deeper.
Hope this helps – and keep writing!
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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