Young Writers Society

Hello!
This is a complex and deeply introspective piece that deals with themes of loss, grief, and reflection. The language is dense and layered, using a range of metaphors and allusions to explore the speaker's emotional state.

The opening lines set the tone for the poem, with the speaker examining their own appearance and searching for something left in their soul. The idea of a gray sky and a cold, powdery ground add to the bleakness of the scene.

As the poem progresses, the speaker reflects on memories of the person who has passed away, noting their own discomfort in social situations while the deceased was held in high esteem. The theme of youth and its fleeting nature is explored, with the speaker regretting not holding onto it tighter.

The second stanza takes the reader on a journey through an eerie, isolated landscape, where the speaker observes strange and unsettling sights. The plastic chapel, mentioned towards the end of this stanza, stands out as a contrast to the rest of the scenery, offering a sense of comfort and kindness.

The third stanza returns to the funeral and the speaker's struggle to find meaning in the preacher's words. The memory of being with the deceased person in nature is described as a form of education, and the line "it's religion for when it's our time to leave" suggests that the speaker finds solace in nature rather than traditional religious beliefs.

The final stanza addresses the speaker's family and their grief, with the speaker expressing love and sympathy for each member. The poem ends on a note of gratitude towards the deceased and those who have allowed the speaker into their lives.

Overall, the poem is well-crafted and thought-provoking, offering a glimpse into the complex emotions that come with loss and grief. The language is rich and evocative, though at times it may be difficult to decipher the exact meaning of certain lines.

Hi!

wow. just wow.

this is so excellent I don't really have any critiques. You have such a carefully established rhythm there's nothing really I can speak to. I absolutely adore this almost disassociated retrospection of a tragic experience. There's an element of surrealism to this that is just amazing and hits deep to the bone. I really like the way you used the landscape in your imagery, it really blends nicely with the stark nature of the language and other imagery you use. I also like how free and open the verse is, while you still have a very solid rhythm behind each line to the next. The stanza breaks are nice, but perhaps not necessary. Maybe just let them stand alone. But that's really all I have to say as far as critiques.

Really, really, really good stuff. Can't wait to read more!
Spark

oh, this is so good. i love it.

when i read work like this, it keeps me inspired to keep writing. i just love the voice and the image this poem creates—that saddened, slightly cynical tone… it’s perfect. and the semantic field you’ve created. so scrumptious. i also really enjoy the story being told here, and how the speaker delivers it. just beautiful.

i think you’ve picked your words really carefully and it shows—for example, the discussion of religion in the context of a funeral is so reflective and thought-provoking, especially in the way you’ve presented it to the reader (i’d say ‘slightly doubtful’?). and i think the way you’ve weaved images of nature in with the poem is also really wonderful. it’s very beautiful, and very sad.

a thought: i guess if you wanted to create a sense of finality, something as simple as a full-stop on the final line could work well—especially considering the poem is centred around a funeral? however, i appreciate that maybe you’re not going for a sense of finality, which is really interesting too. gives me ideas of of a life lost too soon. just a thought (take it with a grain of salt, i’m nitpicking at an unnecessary level—i literally can’t think of much else to say).

overall, beautiful poem. onwards and upwards!!