The Real Apocalypse Happened Between My Fingers

I may be browsing through all your poems at the moment, but thought I'd leave another stray comment!

I love the ambiguity in this piece I agree with @Vellichor that I can't really pinpoint whether the feeling here is good or bad - the "end of the world" can be a good thing or bad thing I suppose and it's not quite clear what the culmination here is at all. The speaker seems conflicted - on one side they seem awkward and unsure of themselves, stanza 3 and 4 are so strong with the feelings of new / untested love and the speaker seems like they aren't confident or comfortable which is a motif returned to in the sweatiness of stanza 5. Even in the last stanza it's not quite clear what happens? Do they sleep together? Hook-up? Just hang out and watch the fire? Is the speaker happy / in love? Or as they say are they just happy to not be alone?

So many of the images themselves could be read both ways as good or bad, and I think the reader is supposed to come away feeling uncomfortable for the speaker, but also that cute heart-achey sense of new-love.

It was really clever how you used the motif of rising heat throughout the poem, starting with the coolness at the beginning and ending in flames at the end.

I liked the idea of a list poem counted on fingers, but it felt a bit clunky at times because the finger numbers were just like used as part of the sentence - this was artsy I suppose, but it also made the sentences read a bit awkardly. I think you could have used another image of hands somehow in the poem itself, because that seemed sort of central to the poem and takes up a lot of space - but you only specifically mention hands within the "narrative" with the sweat / pockets stanza, giving another reference I think would help tie the poem together.

Another suggestion would be to commit to the awkard enjambment a bit more! You had a few lines broken up awkardly with "the moon" and "I" hanging out on different lines from their phrases, but you could do this even more, and don't be afraid to really experiment with that! With purposely awkward enjambment i feel like repeating it a couple times makes it most effective, because then readers get the clue that it is purposeful and look for meaning in it rather than assume it's a mistake. I did really like the awkward line break between "You kiss me, I // can't get comfortable" because the line break felt uncomfortable and it built suspense with the dramatic "you kiss me I" hanging around on it's own! That was a good move.

Overall this is another nice piece, definitely let me know if you ever decide to do any revisions on it, I'd love to see what you do with it.

~ alliyah

This is a very cute poem and I like it a lot. I can relate to this easily. I'm not sure how I feel about the stanza phrasing. At first I liked it, and I don't usually like them written like this because it seems like it breaks the flow when there is a break in not a natural pause. As I kept reading though, I thought I didn't like it. Maybe I thought the first stanza was really nice and not the second. I think,

"I can count on one hand
the moments leading up
to the end of the world,"

is phrased really well. I think you put breaks in all of the right parts and it sounds very nice. However,

"On my thumb you
tell me I'm different from all
the rest. It feels like cold water
on an empty stomach,"

does not flow like the first does. I think the fact that you say "on my thumb you " instead of just saying "on my thumb" and putting you on the sentence under it. It feels like the sentences are just really choppy and a lack of flow takes so much away from a poem.

The poem as a whole though, is very good. You did a fantastic job and I think this is an original concept. I like that they are counting their love and saying that it is the end of the world. I like how each finger is paired with a specific memory. This is just an all around good poem. It is very cute, as I said before, and it was very enjoyable to read. Thanks!

Hello,hello here!
Raindrop here checking the greenies here so came to check your work also.
The tittle was something I did not understand and I thought that it won't have so much sense at all.Strange tittle but good enough to catch my eye,let's say it that way?
Let's go through this work and see if I find something you can correct in this work:






I can count on one hand(,)
the moments leading up
to the end of the world.

On my thumb(,)you
tell me I'm different from all
the rest. It feels like cold water
on an empty stomach.

On my index finger (,)we sit
in the bed of your father’s truck.
You kiss me, I
can't get comfortable.

Middle finger (,) I say without
meeting your eyes that I
don't want to live without you. The moon
gets smaller and smaller.

Ring finger (,)it's November.
We eat watermelon on the lawn and
see how far we can spit the seeds.
My hands sweat (,)
but I keep them in my pockets.

Little finger(,) we are together
when the flames start. You switch off
the TV, take a deep breath.
I’m just glad I’m not alone.



Beautiful poetry showing the steps in a relationship from the very begging as fingers.

Poems like this make me glad that I started on YWS This has a deeper meaning than I was expecting when I clicked on it and it makes me happy that I did, even though I now have that melancholy feeling that I can never decide is a good feeling or not XD Keep up the good work!

Awwww, I think this poem just made my day

This is a cute poem.