I know you in the timid appearance of spring,
In the rusty residual taste of tobacco on teeth, in breath,
Delirious, on a balcony eight stories above San Antonio.
I know you through the telephone, in a sleeping house -
Through your voice, twined, distorted by its trip to space and back;
Later, through the graceful guitar melodies that ebb with my wakefulness.
It’s raining, but I don’t believe that it’s raining.
I know you through a second-story window, in the morning sky, (pink, yellow, blue)
In socks on raw cement and watered-down fruit punch -
In hours dripping from a leaky faucet, spent waiting with bated breath.
I know you in the electricity between bodies, restless energy trapped between sheets,
In words that fall short and silence that speaks volumes;
In the desperate, clamoring need for contact - flesh is far too thick, skin unnecessary,
It’s raining, but I don’t believe that it’s raining.
I know you in moments of pristine, sparkling clarity,
Breathless, painted like a picture in my mind,
Echoes of “this, yes—this!” and the childlike feeling of having found something worth keeping,
I know you in the chaotic symmetry of a downpour,
I can trace your form in the eyes of a stranger,
I find pieces of you in my pockets and in the spaces between my thoughts;
(I can’t ever fit them together, but for once I don’t feel like I need to) -
I catch glimpses of you in the tilt of a chin or the turn of a phrase,
In heads thrown back by laughter and the ambling flow of a stream;
I know you by the quiver in your voice, the tremor in your hands,
The latent activity when you don’t think anyone’s watching:
The momentary pause between sentences,
The infectious grin that spreads quickly despite your best efforts,
The way you walk, always a little uncertain -
I know you - better every day -
And for the first time in a long time, maybe ever,
I know with absolute, unflinching certainty that it’s raining -
I hope it never stops.
3/20/16
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Really enjoy this poem and the journey it goes on. Lovely word choice and imagery throughout - miss your poetry @Glauke! Hope you are still writing!
Hello Glauke, it's Meerkat reviewing as requested. I don't have a lot of experience reviewing poetry, but I hope I can be helpful nonetheless.
Regarding grammar, spelling, word choice, and such, I can't really say much. In short pieces such as poetry there's often not a lot to edit. Your spelling was very accurate, and I loved some of the language you used. Well chosen phrases like "melodies that ebb with my wakefulness," "sparkling clarity," and "the ambling flow of a stream" truly add to the sense of expression.
One thing I might point out is some of the punctuation. Poetry can be very fluid in how one chooses to develop rhythm, but in a few instances in this work commas were used where semicolons should have been, or vice versa. With a piece that focuses more on meaning than style, this isn't a huge deal, but it still might be best to fix.
For example:
I believe semicolons should be used in the first and second lines instead of commas. Honestly, though, there are many options for punctuation in poetry—I think Aley mentioned enjambment as one. You could even omit punctuation entirely, depending on your style. Whatever works for you!
As I said before, your words and phrases were beautiful. A lot of your language is understated or metaphorical, but I liked the subtlety. It seems to be a very emotion-driven poem.
All in all, this is quite well-written. You have a lovely voice for verse, and it's evident in the flow of lines and the evocative imagery.
Congratulations on this work's success, have a great day, and keep writing!
Thanks very much for your lovely feedback!
Hey Glauke,
I like this poem [look, proof, I liked it.]
I think your flow is very well thought out, your development of your lines is well done, and you've got quite a bit of intrigue with your imagery and motion. Overall, well done.
I can critique anything though, so here's what I have to say, watch your lines. This poem is nice and heavy because your lines a very long, and it would be easy to overwhelm a reader if you had been slightly off in your word choice and so forth. It's a fine balance between too heavy and drowning, so you've really got to pay attention to that.
Don't be afraid to explore enjambment, it's only going to make your poems better. Enjambment is when you have two sentences on one line, meaning, your period ends up in the middle of the line somewhere. This can create unique ideas if you read the line alone, and it helps develop ideas below the surface of the poem in the underbelly. Right now, you're waiting until you have some sort of punctuation to stick at the end of a line, you don't have to do that. It's an archaic idea that a poem has to have a capital at the beginning of every line and a punctuation mark at the end of each of them. This hasn't been the case in a long time and you can explore better breaks, and interesting last words by breaking it off without a punctuation mark.
The use of dashes is sort of Dickenson of you, but you're just doing it at the end. Mix it in to the rest of the lines too, and really get into the sounds of sentences, and explore all the possibilities there. You might find that you feel more at ease with not ending with punctuation if you take some of them out. People will naturally pause a little at the end of a line as their eyes search for the next first word, and that'll create the pause that you're indicating with the dashes without having the dash there.
So yeah, overall, great poem, but I'd suggest, for the next one, try different capitalization and punctuation for your beginnings and ends of lines.
Aley
Thanks for your feedback! I've actually been playing around with line breaks, etc. quite a bit lately - if you'd like to, you can check out this poem I wrote last night (Endgame) as I'm not sure I did this whole "enjambment" thing correctly or not, lol. Any feedback would be appreciated
Again, thank you!
Awesomely written. Fantabulous thoughts. Amazing penning. I am reading it and feltbtonread it again n again n again. Marvellous carving through words of feelings. And the deep meaning hidden in the words.
"It's raining but I don't believe it's raining"...
..." I hope it never stops "
Just want to say. I am feeling glad to read it. Applause. Blessings
Thank you for your kind words!
Wow, that was really good. I liked how the poem developed from beginning to the end. The end and this paragraph
were especially well written and were my favorite. The metaphors built the feeling of love very well and I loved the comparisons. One thing I really liked was how the speaker can see and know the other in seemingly small insignificant daily things. Really that's often how love is. All the little things built together and blended.
I found the rain metaphor a little confusing at first, but I loved the last two lines. That's where the metaphor clicked into place for me.
Anyway, I hope this review was useful even though I'm not the best at analyzing. Keep up the fantastic work!
Thanks so much!
Your imagery is absolutely amazing. The images you describe clearly expresses the emotions you are conveying without explicitly saying them- and that is a struggle I've seen a lot of writers deal with. Plus your diction adds so much to those emotions and I can clearly tell you have a talent in how you use your words.
Unfortunately, my skills for analysis are not the greatest, but I believe what you are trying to do is describe a feeling of love that seems very surreal. And so, you compare love, something mysterious, to something known- rain.
One thing I really liked was your use of the phrase, "I know." From experience, when I'm confused about my feelings for someone or something, I write a pros and cons list of what I know, and from that I try to figure out how I feel. I think you should do that more when describing the rain. Then less and less, as you transition to the person you are talking about, and then at the end, abandon the phrase all together. Because at that point, you don't need to tell yourself you know, because you already believe.
You follow that structure decently as I have suggested it, but there are some stanzas that I would rearrange make it fit.
That concludes my notes. I really hope this helped! You have a real talent for this and I encourage you to continue building your skills. I look forward to looking at your next works!
Thank you!!