you shouldn't condemn yourself to anything

I'll give you an honor to see the first post of mine on this forums

Back on track.

I absolutely adore this poem. It's very similar to the legend of the city where I was born. If you allow me, I'd share it in my Creative Writing class, because my teacher is obsessed with poetry.

I like the first line and your metaphor of "she built a fortress of 'he'll be backs.' Starts off, saying that this poem is about love. I like it. Though I am not sure about the second line: "fell asleep inside." Does it mean she's so obsessed about her lover that she'd forgotten about everything else? I believe it's this, but please, enlighten me. "She dreamed of thoughts unspoken." I'd change it, unless you have a reason behind to keep it as it is. I just think that 'thoughts' and 'unspoken' do not, ekhem... fit together. People don't speak thoughts, but words. Hope you get what I mean "Sat like cobwebs in the corner" is good, but what does it tell? If I saw a cobweb in the corner, I'd try to get rid of it, ASAP. Is 'she' unwelcome as well? Next four lines are OK, for my money. "His footfalls were like traffic and hers were like eskimo kisses." This is golden. A killer.

"He had an obsession with the extraordinary
and she just wanted to survive."
***
"And here she is
wearing a mask."
***
"She had always hated weak people."

I don't think it describes her really well, unless this mask was a turning point in your poem. He wanted to become somebody important. Probably famous, etc. He was ambitious, whereas she wanted to just live. Simply. Just survive. I think this tells me that she's weak. She does not aspire to take from life what is possible, but she wants to see what will happen. And when "she had always hated weak people," do you mean that she had also hated herself? What this mask has to do with this?

This is a very clever piece of writing, but to me few things are confusing, or maybe it's just me, trying to help you after 1AM, when my brain is asking for mercy. Once again, I really, really, really, really and really adore this poem.

By the way, this ending though.

Freddy.

Okay, good job! You had me reeled in with first few lines.

" she built a fortress of “he’ll be back”s
and fell asleep inside
she dreamed of thoughts unspoken
that sat like cobwebs in the corners
“you shouldn't condemn yourself to anything”, he’d said
but she’d condemned herself to him "

-Beautiful! I think that was my favorite part. There are few lines that I might change though. (But change only what you want. It is your writing. You have the right to keep it that way.) Now, let's see... rhyming. Based on the above lines, I expected it to be a poem that kept a rhyming scheme. I was a little disappointed to see that it didn't stay this way, but hey! It works and you did a lovely job.

Moving on...

"she swore she wouldn't cry
because tears are weak
and she had always hated weak people

she swore she wouldn't cry,
and she didn’t.
she died instead."

-These lines throw off the flow of the poem a little bit. The addition of "and she always hated weak people" seems a little awkward. Hmm... Thinking... Thinking... :/ Oh well! Let's continue, shall we?

-For some reason, "she died instead" took away a bit of the meaning for me. It's probably just the way it was worded. Everything before seemed so intricate; you had woven a web of words -and I very much enjoyed it. Then... it unraveled a bit.

I think that's my only complaint. Bravo! Please keep writing.

That last line made me think... At first I thought you meant she died inside, that she no longer cared for anyone or anything an d she had no hope or joy or reason to live like you demonstrated in the fourth paragraph, but then I realized it could be referring to suicide. Now I'm confused... :/

If this is true I'm sorry, but the poem is great.

This brought tears to my eyes. I can feel the pain behind the words. Your poem is amazing and down to earth.