passing pedestrians,
hunkered and braced
against the pouring rain,
see a schoolboy,
his feet dangling
over the edge of a stone bench,
a yellow lunchbox by his side,
cradling a pristine white
paper crane.
he admires its creases,
and runs his small fingers
delicately along its wings.
the adults cast glances in his direction -
some questioning,
some dubious;
but none of them stop walking
or even slow down.
he carefully tucks the fragile bird
into his yellow lunchbox,
(so that it won't be ruined
by the rain)
and goes home.
-
years later, he is walking in the sunshine
with his wife and young daughter.
no longer a schoolboy,
he sees his stone bench -
and, in his mind's eye,
his crane, too.
he wonders what he did with it,
but he can't remember.
he doesn't stop walking -
just slows down for a moment.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Good job with this one.I will not correct it or anything.I think other reviewers had already put the bad things on the line and you had heard them out so this is enough.
I do not need to say it again,right?Anyways,for the tittle,Sidewalk,Traffic or Don't stop.
I hope you keep on writing deep and emotion stuff like that because I really like the way you write,your style and all the jazz.I know this review does not help you but I hope it gives you some hope to go on.
Good job~
This poem is so pretty. It makes me think of the cynicism and rush that seems to unavoidably come with age. (I am 16, and already I see things like this in myself--I think we have far less time to be children now, in a way.)
The line breaks were reminiscent of e.e. cummings for me, and I wonder if you would be open to playing around with the punctuation. I tend to write with little punctuation, so I may be a little biased, but it almost seems as though simple words are more raw if they remain simple and unbound by commas and periods.
Just something to consider.
I love the way you presented this otherwise. Thank you for sharing it~
Thanks so much for your feedback! I appreciate it
Hi Felistia here with a short review.
Now that was a good poem. It was very interesting and emotional. I like the picture you painted and it stayed consistent the whole way through. I like the way you stopped and described the paper crane, it gives it more meaning. I really like the ending, it ties it off in a perfect little knot.
I have some suggestions for the title: Sidewalk Traffic or Never Stopping. Nice piece and I hope you have a good day/night.
Thanks for your feedback!