Endgame

I think this work is amazing.From all the works I had reviewed which were all yours,maybe this one is my favourite after all.Some places were with errors in the punctuation or grammar but this is not something to worry about so much.The idea of this work is the more important thing here.I like the mystery that was added also because the end is kind of open.It really is sad but still so beautiful so i think this is what really matters here.I can not say anything bad to be honest.I did not understand what was going on at the very beginning but it surely was not very clear.
Overall,good job.Hope you continue on sharing your works with us and let us read them.You had thought of it very well.

Hey! Thanks for reminding me to review this.

Honestly, after reading this poem, I had to remind myself how to breathe. First of all, the format is wonderful. It is fresh and new, with the little black letters, and such. It was a nice surprise.

This poem has a stream-of-consciousness sort of feel to it. The lack of commas and sentence breaks made this so real. I mean, if someone, for whatever reason, is thinking about this kind of thing, their brain is rambling out panicked thoughts, and doesn't bother to pause in between sentences. So, while many people would say, "Well, maybe you should consider fully punctuating it", or, "Your sentence structure is confusing", I think that this aspect of your poem is what really brings it into perspective for me.

It actually made me sad to read this, and that doesn't usually happen. When I finished it, I wasn't sure whether it was the girl in the poem or the other person, a guy, I presumed, that was on the bridge at the end. But, I think that the mystery factor added to the emotion in your poem. And there was a ton of emotion. Between the love, anxiety, anger, loneliness, guilt and regret, this poem was jam-packed withal the feeling within someone's life story.

I can't possibly tell you how amazing this is. It would take me years to come up with something half as great as this. You managed to capture the essence of someone one the precipice of killing themselves because of regret and open sorrow, and that is such a powerful message. The way you managed to convey it is unmatchable. I wish I could give you some constructive criticism, but I really can't. All of the imagery was excellent, and the whole poem was...just beautiful.

I know this may not have helped in any sense, but I hope that this review at least let you know how amazing this is.

~Caterpickle

Hey Glauke,

Per your request I came and read this poem, this one has much better handling of lines, but you've lost some of the weight of the previous poem just simply because the content is a little different. Nothing to be too concerned with, it's still a very good poem. You got the enjambment right! Yay!

However, this one is easier to review because I have several lines which I think could directly need some attention and a comment about how you're handling the beginning of each line. First let's deal with the big stuff, your capitalization is one of the big things.

This poem reads choppy because of the capitals at the beginning of each line. Take for instance "Stuck in the wall," as the beginning of a line. When you read "Hair black eyes black panties black, needles / Stuck in the wall, dog is still barking" it breaks it up too much to have needles on the line before it because of the capitalization, however, if you had that lower-cased, it would flow smoother and allow you the space and motion you are trying to utilize in this poem through enjambment. Just try it, and if you don't like it, you can always make things upper-case again.

That's all I really have to say on that, so let's move on to the specific lines/areas where I don't see your message coming across as clearly and poetically as you had in the last poem.

The first one is "The trees and buildings" I think this line really lacks some of the pop that some of your other lines have like "splinters, the glass breaks." This is because it really doesn't share enough about the story alone with just the two nouns. If you gave us some descriptor or even just made them singular to say that these weren't just any trees, but THE tree and THE building that they were walking near, you would have a more powerful statement. Then again, you might not want a powerful statement right there, and if that's the case, then just give us a little bit something extra to describe/hold/see these trees and buildings in that line. You have catch on the next line, so perhaps describe them as something that can actually catch.

The next section that I think could use a little help was that the feeling wasn't exactly clear in the beginning of the poem. The only line you have that really makes the feeling pop is "House smells like Hamburger Helper, it's nauseating." The reason this pops is because it's a very real smell that a lot of people can relate to and have smelled in the past, so it gives a sense of depth and reality, however, before that point, I couldn't even tell that there was something wrong with what was going on. It just seemed like a poem describing a lazy summer day that it rained.

If you gave a little bit more description to the beginning stanzas I think we'd end up feeling what is actually going on in the poem with what you already have there. I think the best way to do this would be to just add in a couple negative descriptors up near the top, beef it up a little. Right now that part of the poem is sort of skin and bones, and we need a little bit of meat to eat something tasty to begin with.

The last line that needs some help is the refrain. "This is what's best for both of us" could use some different emphasis to really make the line unique and stand out. It sort of felt like you ran out of things for them to say to one another, which sort of seemed off, compared to the rest of the poem. It doesn't work as well in this one as it did your other one. If you just changed a word or two for each line, or used slightly different phrasing, then I think they would work well because it might give the sense that this was said at different times, and not just a remembered quote.

So, overall, you have a couple places that I think could use some tweaking. Look at the first couple of stanzas again, and beef up a little, get some words in there that really make our senses tingle like you have after you talk about it being nauseating. Make it feel tense. Then at the end, I think if you added a little bit different word use for "This is what's best for both of us," it'd be better in the long run and we'd get a better poem out of it. Also, try just capitalizing at the beginning of sentences, not at the beginning of every line. This could really help improve the flow of your poetry. I wrote a long thing on capitalization that you can take a look at when you're ready called Capitalization in Poetry and that goes over all the different options and how it can affect the tone.

I hope this helps!

Aley

Well that was definitely deep. It was beautifully written and nicely thought of. The flow was also good but in the line " house smells like hamburger helper, it's nauseating" here if you could replace hamburger helper for I don't know something else it wold flow better. But then again it's your work and if you like it like this than be it.
"Homeless veterans. Smells like spring time feels like hell"- this line was just amazing.

Great job! Keep on writing!
Fangirl~

I am going to review your poem.
The whole poem is great itself in my opinion and yet it is really sad. I see no punctuation or spelling errors.
At the end the poem had me in tears cause you lost someone important to you. After I read your poem, I began to think about the girl that got away and all the things I could of done to get her to stay. I really love this poem cause it shows that you still love her no matter how hard you try to accept that it's for the best of both of you.

Thank you for letting me review your work and keep up the good work.