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Leaving

by Querencia


And the tick of my watch

Through the whorls of silence

As I wait for you to come home

Sounds more and more like a time bomb

As the door remains closed

Encasing me in the soundlessness

And my heart sinks lower


Footsteps echo

On the hardwood floor we put in last year

And I'm halfway to the door to greet you

Before I realise that it's the beating

Of my own restless heart


So I go up to bed alone

The stars concealed by clouds tonight

Clouds that dampen and mute the sound

Of the sobbing into my pillow

It doesn't come as a surprise

When I stay awake all night


And more and more

I feel that the silence is breathing

The fragile rib cage that is the world

Thrumming

With an unheard pulse


And morning silence was always different

A harsh awakening into reality

So I put on the music like you taught me to

And somehow the crackling record

Only punctuates your absence


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172 Reviews


Points: 3069
Reviews: 172

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Wed Feb 01, 2017 5:24 pm
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fukase wrote a review...



Hi,
I love the developing of the poem here. It was a little different from what I'd expected and that is a good thing as a writer. You did a good job on that.

***

I have some comments about the awkwardness of the sentences lines--the moments they are up and the moments they are below seemed so abrupt. As the previous reviewer had commented on punctuation affected the flows of the poem, I don't think reviewing it in a little bit more depth would hurt (although it would make me a little nitpicky, but try to ignore it.)

And more and more
I feel that the silence is breathing
The fragile rib cage that is the world
Thrumming
With an unheard pulse

Without punctuation the ^ stanza is very hard for me to understand like whether all of the lines should connect each other or not.

That's it for that part, and regarding the awkward and abrupt breaks between lines, I can list many that when I read them, they just don't feel right. Like so unnatural. These thing keep distracting me up till I don't really understand the meaning of the poem.

Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart

Like this stanza. The second till the last lines of this stanza don't divide themselves well. I don't quite love when using words like "on, and, before, of" would be a good line's starter. Try to cut them all. They would still actually deliver the same meanings, but (for me) better natural flows here:
Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart

Although there is some line that doesn't flow well, but it is better for me. That's my recommendation though, you can work up another solutions better than mine.

And this problems are throughout the poem too. Try to read it out loud naturally, and take some notes on where it feels like not natural.

Next is the same issue I have found with last poem, the wordy thingy, so I won't put it here.

I definitely love your style here. It feels so unique and just-normal-but-great. I personally love the word "hardwood" here, I don't know why.

***

Keep writing, I will take a look on the next part another day or (never) soon. Keep improving!

~memo




Querencia says...


Thank you for the review!! :)



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:17 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hey Falconer! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this was a really strong piece. The tone is melancholy and the imagery is strong and contributes to that atmosphere. The message is clear and I can really feel the speaker's emotions.

One thing I want to touch on is punctuation. I assume not using any was intentional, but I feel like that made it hard to read. I think adding punctuation would improve the flow of the piece, but it's up to you.

And more and more

I feel that the silence is breathing

The fragile rib cage that is the world

Thrumming

With an unheard pulse


This stanza feels awkward to me. I think it's because the other stanzas all have some concrete imagery, while this one's all abstract and metaphorical. Also, this mentions silence, only for you to talk about silence again in the next stanza. I'd love to offer a suggestion besides "cut it", but I don't have any great ideas right now. Maybe you could bring in something more concrete so it fits in better with the rest of the poem?

And morning silence was always different


"Was" is in past tense, yet the rest of the poem is in present. I would make it present tense.

Overall, this is a great melancholy poem. Keep writing! :)




Querencia says...


Thanks for the review and great suggestions! Punctuation in poetry has never been my strong suit. XD



niteowl says...


Yeah, it can be tricky. I suggest reading Punctuation in Poetry to learn about the different styles of punctuating and pros/cons of each (really all of Aley's poetry KB articles should be required reading :P).



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Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:33 am
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Fullmetal13 wrote a review...



I really enjoyed reading this piece. My reviews tend to be a little more scattered than a point by point analysis so bear with me. I thought that your word choice was great and the execution was great. Using a more dynamic language can often make someone sound pretentious or just like they're trying too hard but I think you did a good job with it. I really liked the little twist you did, transforming what is thought to be footsteps into a heartbeat. I had to reread that part again for it to take full effect and I kinda of was like 'awww' because I mean, everyone has felt that kind of sinking feeling. I think that this really puts into words exactly what it is to lose someone but it ranges further than just a breakup. It can be read as a perspective of someone who's had a loved one die, waiting for their footsteps to be heard again, only to find that it was nothing at all. You really emphasized well, what it is when our brains get so used to hearing something or doing something that completely hinges on another person, and then that person not being there anymore. I would say that the flow of the poem could be tweaked a little bit, but the content over all is fantastic and the execution was done nicely as well.




Querencia says...


Awe, thanks for the nice review! :)




I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage