Hi,
I love the developing of the poem here. It was a little different from what I'd expected and that is a good thing as a writer. You did a good job on that.
***
I have some comments about the awkwardness of the sentences lines--the moments they are up and the moments they are below seemed so abrupt. As the previous reviewer had commented on punctuation affected the flows of the poem, I don't think reviewing it in a little bit more depth would hurt (although it would make me a little nitpicky, but try to ignore it.)
And more and more
I feel that the silence is breathing
The fragile rib cage that is the world
Thrumming
With an unheard pulse
Without punctuation the ^ stanza is very hard for me to understand like whether all of the lines should connect each other or not.
That's it for that part, and regarding the awkward and abrupt breaks between lines, I can list many that when I read them, they just don't feel right. Like so unnatural. These thing keep distracting me up till I don't really understand the meaning of the poem.
Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart
Like this stanza. The second till the last lines of this stanza don't divide themselves well. I don't quite love when using words like "on, and, before, of" would be a good line's starter. Try to cut them all. They would still actually deliver the same meanings, but (for me) better natural flows here:
Footsteps echoOnthe hardwood floor we put in last yearAndI'm halfway to the door to greet youBeforeI realise that it's the beatingOfmy own restless heart
Although there is some line that doesn't flow well, but it is better for me. That's my recommendation though, you can work up another solutions better than mine.
And this problems are throughout the poem too. Try to read it out loud naturally, and take some notes on where it feels like not natural.
Next is the same issue I have found with last poem, the wordy thingy, so I won't put it here.
I definitely love your style here. It feels so unique and just-normal-but-great. I personally love the word "hardwood" here, I don't know why.
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Keep writing, I will take a look on the next part another day or (
~memo
Points: 3187
Reviews: 173
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