And the tick of my watch
Through the whorls of silence
As I wait for you to come home
Sounds more and more like a time bomb
As the door remains closed
Encasing me in the soundlessness
And my heart sinks lower
Footsteps echo
On the hardwood floor we put in last year
And I'm halfway to the door to greet you
Before I realise that it's the beating
Of my own restless heart
So I go up to bed alone
The stars concealed by clouds tonight
Clouds that dampen and mute the sound
Of the sobbing into my pillow
It doesn't come as a surprise
When I stay awake all night
And more and more
I feel that the silence is breathing
The fragile rib cage that is the world
Thrumming
With an unheard pulse
And morning silence was always different
A harsh awakening into reality
So I put on the music like you taught me to
And somehow the crackling record
Only punctuates your absence
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137,797 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hi,
I love the developing of the poem here. It was a little different from what I'd expected and that is a good thing as a writer. You did a good job on that.
***
I have some comments about the awkwardness of the sentences lines--the moments they are up and the moments they are below seemed so abrupt. As the previous reviewer had commented on punctuation affected the flows of the poem, I don't think reviewing it in a little bit more depth would hurt (although it would make me a little nitpicky, but try to ignore it.)
Without punctuation the ^ stanza is very hard for me to understand like whether all of the lines should connect each other or not.
That's it for that part, and regarding the awkward and abrupt breaks between lines, I can list many that when I read them, they just don't feel right. Like so unnatural. These thing keep distracting me up till I don't really understand the meaning of the poem.
Like this stanza. The second till the last lines of this stanza don't divide themselves well. I don't quite love when using words like "on, and, before, of" would be a good line's starter. Try to cut them all. They would still actually deliver the same meanings, but (for me) better natural flows here:
Although there is some line that doesn't flow well, but it is better for me. That's my recommendation though, you can work up another solutions better than mine.
And this problems are throughout the poem too. Try to read it out loud naturally, and take some notes on where it feels like not natural.
Next is the same issue I have found with last poem, the wordy thingy, so I won't put it here.
I definitely love your style here. It feels so unique and just-normal-but-great. I personally love the word "hardwood" here, I don't know why.
***
Keep writing, I will take a look on the next part another day or (
never) soon. Keep improving!~memo
Thank you for the review!!
Hey Falconer! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, this was a really strong piece. The tone is melancholy and the imagery is strong and contributes to that atmosphere. The message is clear and I can really feel the speaker's emotions.
One thing I want to touch on is punctuation. I assume not using any was intentional, but I feel like that made it hard to read. I think adding punctuation would improve the flow of the piece, but it's up to you.
This stanza feels awkward to me. I think it's because the other stanzas all have some concrete imagery, while this one's all abstract and metaphorical. Also, this mentions silence, only for you to talk about silence again in the next stanza. I'd love to offer a suggestion besides "cut it", but I don't have any great ideas right now. Maybe you could bring in something more concrete so it fits in better with the rest of the poem?
"Was" is in past tense, yet the rest of the poem is in present. I would make it present tense.
Overall, this is a great melancholy poem. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review and great suggestions! Punctuation in poetry has never been my strong suit. XD
Yeah, it can be tricky. I suggest reading Punctuation in Poetry to learn about the different styles of punctuating and pros/cons of each (really all of Aley's poetry KB articles should be required reading
).
I really enjoyed reading this piece. My reviews tend to be a little more scattered than a point by point analysis so bear with me. I thought that your word choice was great and the execution was great. Using a more dynamic language can often make someone sound pretentious or just like they're trying too hard but I think you did a good job with it. I really liked the little twist you did, transforming what is thought to be footsteps into a heartbeat. I had to reread that part again for it to take full effect and I kinda of was like 'awww' because I mean, everyone has felt that kind of sinking feeling. I think that this really puts into words exactly what it is to lose someone but it ranges further than just a breakup. It can be read as a perspective of someone who's had a loved one die, waiting for their footsteps to be heard again, only to find that it was nothing at all. You really emphasized well, what it is when our brains get so used to hearing something or doing something that completely hinges on another person, and then that person not being there anymore. I would say that the flow of the poem could be tweaked a little bit, but the content over all is fantastic and the execution was done nicely as well.
Awe, thanks for the nice review!