My shadows follow me in my sleep
They tell me all the things I can't be
My paranoias creepin in
Turns out betrayal is all I know
-----
Or roses; breaths become statics then thunderstorms;
Another way to define blood:
Something else we lose when families turn
------
Cover my petals in the shadows of all kinds
Pretend that the sadness is not there
------
Pretend that our families actually cared
Turn my demons into friends
Feel the flowerbed of misery
-----
Silence & swallowed thorns-
The way we become false daises, silence interpreted wrong;
For once, show that you care...
-----
We've been together so long
I lost track of counting the years
But did it matter
You cast them away like the wind hurls seeds
----
Like a weed in my own soil,
When loneliness creeps up on me
Did it matter though?
Were you really there?
-------
The way silence clutters my throat;
I know I'm the burden they truly hold
Let the shadows follow us in our sleep
Our paranoias creepin' in
Turns out betrayal is what we know
Feel the flowerbed of my misery
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello again! Having previous read your guys' work it's a pleasure to frequent it again!
The first emotion I felt while reading this was anger. An anger that would arise after the treachery or betrayal of someone close to oneself.
Overall I see this as an expression of indignation and pain over somebody's family hurting them in one way or another. Blood, or familial bonds as I personally reckon is represented by roses as stated in the second stanza. The speaker feels hurt and betrayed because their family has done wrong against them. Now they are dealing with the aftermath. That aftermath including intrusive negative thoughts and difficulty to speak up or express themselves.
I think everyone can relate to the speaker. I've found myself in situations where I want to speak up for myself. But because of self doubt and self loathing I end of just standing there silent. Thus when the 5th stanza comes in and it states to "...For once, show that you care" while I do see this a plea by the speaker for their family to love them, the way it loops back around in the final stanza to me is representative of a call to arms. For myself it is an urging to stand up for yourself. To know that you matter, and those who would question your worth should be challenged head on and crushed.
My favorite line is "You cast them away like wind hurls seeds". To me this shows optimism for the future of the speaker. Even as they lament how their family disposes of them as the wind may do to a seed, they have a chance to grow into something great. As a squirrel may carry an acorn away from its tree, that same acorn can grown into something as indomitable and grand as an oak.
My only suggestion for improvement is in the fourth stanza it says "Turn my demons into friends, Feel the flowerbed of misery". I believe you could have possibly strengthened the symbolism and parallelisms to gardening by rephrasing it to something akin to "Turn my demons into the fertilizer, To feed the flowerbed of misery." Nevertheless I do see repetition of some key lines throughout the poem, including the line about flowerbeds being used as the climax at the end of the poem to express contempt and anger towards the 'family.' Perhaps a way the morph these two elements together could be to conclude with something like;
"Turns out betrayal is the fertilizer
To feed the flowerbed of my misery
Now writhe as a dying bug,
as you feel the flowerbed of my misery"
I hope this has been of some use and encouragement.
Yours,
GoodieGoat
Heyyy,
Rubes here with a review! I really enjoyed the piece and think it was extremely well written. In my reviews I like to pick a few quotes and analyse them, so that you can see an interpretation and compare it to the purpose that you wrote it for (if that makes sense). I feel like this helps the writers to see mistakes in their techniques and change it to be more suitable for them and the poem/novel/chapter etc.
Anyways, let’s get into it!
Oooh, really nice start here. I can visualise this quite clearly which is really important, especially to me, when reading. Personally, I see a broken down emotional state, a mental dystopia in a way. It’s created from self-criticism and a pressure to always succeed, when really it's impossible to be able to do that.
Really strong start!
Strange! I like this though. I do find it a bit confusing, but then again I’m only fourteen ; I’m only just getting used to advanced writing such as this. I view the ‘petals’ to be describing the true feelings - and in this case sadness - and mental state of the protagonist. The shadows appear to me to be the doubt, pressure, sadness, fear etc both originating from other people, as well as our own selves.
This metaphor is gorgeous! Flowers grow, just like some of our pains and emotional distress in life, and this shows it beautifully. I also like the contrast between flowerbeds and misery. The brightness and happiness being associated with flowers juxtaposing with the dullness and pain of misery. It’s been very well written also!
Good use of semantic field!
hello! i'm here with a review for this poem as requested c:
i loved reading this! it was sad, but it was very well written. my favorite line was Turn my demons into friends / Feel the flowerbed of misery. just *chef's kiss* it was lovely! i have a couple things to point out, so let's get into it!
i think that should be static, no s.
again, paranoia's.
that's it! great job with this; you all collaborated wonderfully. i'm sorry if i came across as harsh, and if you disagreed with me in any part of this review, feel free to ignore it!
stay safe,
momo
Thanks for the feedback<33
Hello there!
This is Eros here, with a review for your wonderfully work. The title of your poem is really really catchy. The poem is interesting and the choice of words you used is simply awesome.
The theme of the poem and the main idea of it is unique and deep. Lovved it so much!
The last stanza:
"The way silence clutters my throat;
I know I'm the burden they truly hold
Let the shadows follow us in our sleep
Our paranoias creepin' in
Turns out betrayal is what we know
Feel the flowerbed of my misery"
Is my personal favourite <3 <3
The questions asked in the second last stanza gave the poem a really good touch.
I don't see any flaws here, it's just too good and awesome. Shadows never be your part, this is an awesome metaphor used by you.
Can never apart as well as never be your part. But at the end of the day, they remain with you and you can rely on it . It's like the sun which daily comes in your life and ends your day .
Life is great with them , but you never know the time that when your good days will end . It's your pain and your sufferings at the end of the day.
Keep writing such awesome stuff,
And we would love to keep reading and reviewing them.
Have a good day/night
With love,
From Eros
Thanks for the feedback<33
@rida
@Coffeeboyjay
Who knows? Even families can spread lies and abandon.You’ll be left wondering if anyone was ever there.But it’s important that you can still shine no matter what.Not for anyone but yourself.It’s important that you give yourself the most love.I enjoyed how this poem was written.You can feel the narrator’s anguish and struggle.I hope that you have a nice day/night.
Thanks for the feedback!