z

Young Writers Society


12+

A wish that was unfilled

by EsmerayaRose


I could never have loved anyone

the way I loved you
our hearts were joined,
hearts and souls facing the night

But our soul was just a wish unfilled
there was only history
there was only history
we are now just two lonely hearts.
it pains me as a ghost
it cuts me
deep
but our soul was just a wish unfilled


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1232 Reviews


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Reviews: 1232

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Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:17 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi BrokenHeartsAri,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was a lovely poem that reminded me of a refrain from a song. It has that sadness in it that you read between two uplifting stanzas and only get the meaning when you hear the song over and over again. Again, I found that like the bottom of the ocean, your poem opened up deeper and wider the more I read it and wondered what sorrow was troubling the first-person narrator.

Where I'm still thinking a bit is why you made different line sizes, as I haven't yet realised what the significance might be.

I could never have loved anyone
the way I loved you

I like the way you begin, already expressing a melancholy and describing a suffering, as if it were about a love that happened many years ago and only with the years does self-reflection arise and one thinks to oneself, "If only I had stayed with them." I like that it makes the beginning seem ponderous.

our hearts were joined,
hearts and souls facing the night

I like what I can read into this and I also love that you've created another variation of "two hearts beating as one".

there was only history
there was only history

Repetition in poems helps to intensify a line and here, however, I find that the doubling reads a little too clichéd. I think maybe you could have rewritten it or formatted it differently to create a heaviness.

we are now just two lonely hearts.

When I read this, I thought that the poem might also refer to a love between siblings. Like a separation in childhood, maybe because of a divorce or a possible adoption in an orphanage where one was separated. I like that, also how the meaning changes at the beginning.

it pains me as a ghost
it cuts me
deep

The more the poem moves towards the end, the darker it becomes, and new interpretations arise. I like how I think here that these lovers are already dead, wandering around as shroudless souls, unable to feel anything. Which is, of course, very tragic.

It was a short poem with a lot of meaning and I have to say I like my sibling love idea the most, where I can interpret more into it than if it was a typical love. Nevertheless, it was a great poem!

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Points: 59
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Sat Jun 26, 2021 10:42 pm
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Froggy says...



hi, i'm not much of a poetry person, but I'm here to make a review.
I like it. I think it has potential to be a really good song, but It's a little short right now.
it flows well. the lyrics aren't incredibly catchy but I could see them becoming catch with the right music accompanying it.




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78 Reviews


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Reviews: 78

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Sat Jun 26, 2021 8:15 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



Lovely love poem equals a lovely review from yours truly.

I am currently in love with stuff related to uncertain feelings, a little grief, longing, melancholy and all that stuff. That's why this poem worked so well for me. It is really easy to read, despite the theme, in the sense that it flows together nicely.

I don't know whether the first line break is intentional or not but it worked really well. It includes a well deserved pause of breathing, like a sigh of a person sharing their pain. The adding of the word "never" before have further emphasizes the pain and impossibility implied there.

The line "our hearts were joined" carries soo much meaning in its back. The joining of two hearts is possible when there is enough love to glue them together in such a way that when they are split in half it will inevitably mean lots of pain behind.

However, with all the good stuff presented we can't ignore what doesn't really do it for this is how you made your second stanza. It feels really off for one reason or another. I see that you tried a circular ending by repeating the first line at the end of the stanza. You set the mood so nicely in the beginning by introducing pain and reason for the pain but when you tried to explain it you kind of failed. If I were you I would have introduced some sort of story to give further insight in the reason for pain, to develop the feelings further etc. . I suggest rewriting this stanza, not modifying it, rewriting it. Or if you really want to use it you should get rid of the repetition "there was only history" and the circular stuff.

Good luck in the future, looking forward to see how you interpret my feedback!





A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac