I could never love anyone the way I loved you.
But what was it, really?
Two hearts stitched together with trembling hands,
thread fraying before the first pull.
We faced the night like it could save us,
like the dark would fill in
the parts of us too shattered to recognize.
But there was only silence,
only history pressed between us like a dead weight.
Our soul—
no, the idea of it—
was just a desperate wish,
clawing at something it could never touch.
Now we’re just two empty bodies,
circling the same memories,
hearts heavy with ghosts we never named.
It doesn’t ache anymore;
it cuts.
Raw. Relentless.
And still, our soul was nothing more
than a wish I should’ve never made.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hi BrokenHeartsAri,
Mailice here with a short review!
That was a lovely poem that reminded me of a refrain from a song. It has that sadness in it that you read between two uplifting stanzas and only get the meaning when you hear the song over and over again. Again, I found that like the bottom of the ocean, your poem opened up deeper and wider the more I read it and wondered what sorrow was troubling the first-person narrator.
Where I'm still thinking a bit is why you made different line sizes, as I haven't yet realised what the significance might be.
I like the way you begin, already expressing a melancholy and describing a suffering, as if it were about a love that happened many years ago and only with the years does self-reflection arise and one thinks to oneself, "If only I had stayed with them." I like that it makes the beginning seem ponderous.
I like what I can read into this and I also love that you've created another variation of "two hearts beating as one".
Repetition in poems helps to intensify a line and here, however, I find that the doubling reads a little too clichéd. I think maybe you could have rewritten it or formatted it differently to create a heaviness.
When I read this, I thought that the poem might also refer to a love between siblings. Like a separation in childhood, maybe because of a divorce or a possible adoption in an orphanage where one was separated. I like that, also how the meaning changes at the beginning.
The more the poem moves towards the end, the darker it becomes, and new interpretations arise. I like how I think here that these lovers are already dead, wandering around as shroudless souls, unable to feel anything. Which is, of course, very tragic.
It was a short poem with a lot of meaning and I have to say I like my sibling love idea the most, where I can interpret more into it than if it was a typical love. Nevertheless, it was a great poem!
Have fun writing!
Mailice
hi, i'm not much of a poetry person, but I'm here to make a review.
I like it. I think it has potential to be a really good song, but It's a little short right now.
it flows well. the lyrics aren't incredibly catchy but I could see them becoming catch with the right music accompanying it.
Lovely love poem equals a lovely review from yours truly.
I am currently in love with stuff related to uncertain feelings, a little grief, longing, melancholy and all that stuff. That's why this poem worked so well for me. It is really easy to read, despite the theme, in the sense that it flows together nicely.
I don't know whether the first line break is intentional or not but it worked really well. It includes a well deserved pause of breathing, like a sigh of a person sharing their pain. The adding of the word "never" before have further emphasizes the pain and impossibility implied there.
The line "our hearts were joined" carries soo much meaning in its back. The joining of two hearts is possible when there is enough love to glue them together in such a way that when they are split in half it will inevitably mean lots of pain behind.
However, with all the good stuff presented we can't ignore what doesn't really do it for this is how you made your second stanza. It feels really off for one reason or another. I see that you tried a circular ending by repeating the first line at the end of the stanza. You set the mood so nicely in the beginning by introducing pain and reason for the pain but when you tried to explain it you kind of failed. If I were you I would have introduced some sort of story to give further insight in the reason for pain, to develop the feelings further etc. . I suggest rewriting this stanza, not modifying it, rewriting it. Or if you really want to use it you should get rid of the repetition "there was only history" and the circular stuff.
Good luck in the future, looking forward to see how you interpret my feedback!