Yes, that's me
Look and you’ll see
My hair is honey brown
My eyes are an empty blue
My arms have bruises from my past
My hands have small words reminding me
My heart has been shattered
I’m the broken e-girl
I never had alcohol
My friends-drifted away
I live somewhere we call hell
I hope you could understand
I dreamed to,let time control me
It’s all clear as can be.
That’s positively, absolutely me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hi there!
Here with a small review on your amazing poem.
As always, I love poems, and yours is just really short and beautiful. You put so much emotion into the poem and your use of words really creates a vivid image in the reader's mind.
*Yes, that's me
Look and you'll see
*
The beginning of a story or poem is very important in this case because it is the best way to attract the reader and you have just nailed that point. It has a mysterious and fascinating effect on them.
*
I dreamed to,let time control me
It’s all clear as can be.
That’s positively, absolutely me.
*
And it seems like you have a very good end to it as well. I love your writing style, definitely keep up the good work!
-Rose
https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/
Hey!
) tend to exaggerate their own physical appearance when they write.
For starters, I really liked how blunt you are. I've noticed that a lot of people (I plead guilty to this charge too!
I really loved how you ended - there's something firm, absolute about that line, almost as if you're you and nothing anybody says can ever change that. I really liked that.
I also liked this line:
My friends-drifted away
I live somewhere we call hell
On the whole, I loved your poem. Can't wait to read more of your work!
Keep writing.
Thanks for the review!
Talking about the piece from a technical point of view. Its a well written and flawless one. Its short simple and conveys the idea so well. Loved this poem!!!
Lots of love to you, the girl who still smiles besides all the bruises. Who keeps going thriving and breathing. May you be filled with all the love the world has to offer. May you heal and feel alive.
Lastly keep writing and aspiring in life!!!
Best wishes
Bhavya
Thanks!
This is well written and relatable.
My only question, what does the ‘dream let time control me’ bit mean?
Well The dream is basically things I wanted and I keep letting time control me(letting it pass by) so I won't be able to get what I really desire
I apologize if it was kind of unclear
That%u2019s cool. If you put a comma in it would make sense. But that%u2019s a cool sentiment is what I mean. I hope you catch your dream. Speaking of, I have a blog for dream chasers on this site, you should check it out loll
hey your poemwas good
Thank you! I hope to see some of your work
Ofc yonia.
@Jason20 which one?
I like this poem and the way that you have described yourself in a blunt and instructive manner, the physical and characteristical factors of your identity. Additionally, starting each line with 'I' and 'my' is effective in doing this. My favourite line was
because being at the end it ties the whole poem together in an affirmative way.
However, with this line:
it should be 'my hands have' or 'my hand has.'
Additionally, with this line:
I think that 'I dream to let time control me' would make better sense. Lastly, with
could you add a dash between friends and they: 'My friends- they drifted away.'
These are all minor critiques and I enjoyed the style of this poem, good work.