Our Dream

Hey there, EscapetoNeverland! In this review, I want to talk about one thing and one thing only: abstractions. Now, different people use this term in different ways, but the way I'm using it today is to define an abstract concept or ideal--which you include a lot of in this poem. Some examples of abstractions are "love" "perfect" and "dream". Well, "dream" isn't really /that/ much of an abstraction, but it becomes cliched quickly, and I want to talk about that as well. When you're writing a romance poem, or a poem involving romance, it's really, really hard to make your words original. Almost anything you can write has been thought of and has been used. And I don't mean that about you personally! Your imagination is boundless and powerful, and you're a brilliant writer. But it's nearly impossible for anyone to write something 100% original. That's why the greats build on old ideas--for instance, Langston Hughes' poem, "Harlem", which talks about dreams and missed opportunities in a new way:

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?"

See what I mean? The reader of this poem is not only captivated by this image of a dream, they're also running with the idea. This question--"what happens to a dream deferred" serves as a source of inspiration, inciting the audience's imagination. What /does/ happen to a dream deferred? -- Anyhow. Romance poems and abstractions unfortunately often synonymous. Many romance poems are powerful and original, until they use a line like "love is perfect" or "love is beautiful". Their readers suddenly find themselves disinterested in the ideas being communicated. By paying attention to your abstraction count, you can find yourself reaching infinitely broader audiences.

And that's what you /can/ do. Pay attention. When you find an abstraction in your writing, ask yourself (or someone else--that's what us beta readers are here for) if it's necessary and if it contributes to the piece. If so, keep it, and expand on the ideas you have! If not, remove it immediately. Then think more broadly. Stretch your imagination. Come up with a synonym or a whole other way of thinking about it. I believe in you!

Don't forget to be awesome,

IronSpark

I'm not very sure what you are trying to say through the poem, but I understand the wording, I just don't get the overall point. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful poem and I like your wording. Keep up the good work!

Hello, Neverland! racket here to review this poem.
Okay, well, I really like this. It conveys a lot of emotions that the reader can really relate to. Dysfunctional relationships and dreams for perfection, etc. So yeah, good job! Plus, you did it well, so that's always great.
I have just a few suggestions for you, the first of which concerns what I believe is your first stanza (I like the stanzas and the line patterns, by the way).

they're clear
like glass.
And just as fragile.

But they too, are not enough.

Let me tell you, it is not fine.

This is hard for me to analyze...I really like this poem though. Very relatable and well thought out!

the rhythm of the poem is good .comparing apology to a glass is very nice but this to the persona is nor enough which is ironical.
the poem is filled with irony but its ending is abrupt.

This is pretty interesting! However, there are a few mistakes:

You try to assure me,

with ‘It’ fine’s,

Should be "It's fine's",
Also:


Our dream,

is your dream,

is my dream.

"Our dream" is enough,that means it's mine, yours and everyone.
Anyways, you should make more!!!

Nice poem, I like the rhythm and order put on such a small poem. I like how this descibes an apology clearly as well, here's some mistakes:

with ‘It’ fine’s, should be: with it's fines

and

Let me tell you, it is not fine.

should be BUT let me tell you, IT'S not fine

and

is your dream,

is my dream.


should be

is your dream

IT'S my dream ( I can tell why you put is, but it does not really make sense)

Bye and keep writing with you're great mind!


~MrMuddyPig

Hey! Dustbunny here for a little review! Now I'm in no way a master in the art of poetry so take what I have to say how you want.

There's not a whole lot to review here, it was good, that first bit about apologies being see through and and fragile was really good, i connected with that perfectly, but looking back at it, does the person mean their apologies? If they did then they wouldn't be see through or fragile. If you see what i'm saying there.

Again, no expert at poetry, but the parts like "But they too, are not enough" and "Let me tell you, it is not fine." Really seemed to break the beat. I mean, i understand that poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but it feels like theirs a beat in the reading that you start to follow, but then the phrases like that don't really match and it throws you off making it harder to read.

Anyway, this a great poem that i'm sure a lot of people relate too! Good job!