My mind is a silent whirlwind,
as the calming rain drip, drip, drips
The world is blank,
nothing seen or heard.
My body isn't as still as it should be,
it should be calm and quiet.
Only rash, loud movements are made in this
still, calm world around me.
My mind wont stop its consistent pictures,
some frightening and others lovely.
Some would say I'm sleeping,
I dont think I'am.
Do you?
Okay well I sortta got black mailed into posting this (I'm joking.) @SoundsOfLife and @PervadedByDarkness happy now? You guys happy now? Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this. :3
Ps: I wrote this when I was half asleep, this time before I went to sleep. I was so tired but I couldn't get to sleep, I wrote this then feel asleep almost straight away. So yeah I was really tired again.....
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hey this is Cesrae Borgia,
Here for a review. Well I have to say, T.J. you are getting better at writing poetry. Compared to when you wrote A Place Of Wonder.
You seemed to have grasped that poetry envolves a choice of words mostly. Because it was a poem, there are no grammatical errors, I just have one problem:
This author's note should be in italics, of separated from the poem by a straight line.
Best of luck in writing,
Cesare Borgia
Thanks!! I forgot to do that.
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
I really liked your intensity addressing the reader in this.
You also had a lot of strong imagery and repetition which engrained in everyone's mind that what you were saying mattered.
Such simple wording can create an aloof reader, maybe look of connotative words to things like "loud" or sleeping" to make it more complicated and poetic.
Have a happy review day!
~Purple
Thanks!
Hello! Emerald here for a review!
I really like this story and the person that the poems about sounds a lot like me XD.
"My mind wont stop its consistent pictures,"
Same here bro!
"Some would say I'm sleeping, I dont think I'am"
Sounds like me!
XD
Hi there Gaurav here for a review. (Though I am still waiting for your review
)
It was an interesting poem. Short and simple to understand.
The opening stanza is engaging enough for a reader to read the entire poem. Being such a simple poem, there are no grammar nitpicks which I could point out.
The flow of the poem is quite uneasy. I guess you should rework on it. But I loved the rhetorical question. I cant review anything more than this, because everything else looks absolutely good apart from the flow.
Keep writing! It's simple, light-read and engaging!
Thanks!
Ok, rikki here for a brief review.
This poem is short,small and sweet.
This could be read painlessly without any jargon within five minutes or less.
Is this poem written with a view of someone dreaming and everything around seems blank or something similar stuff.
May be this line suggests similar idea
"My body isn't as still as it should be,
it should be calm and quiet."
The last few lines looks OK to me. It ends up interrogating the readers
"Some would say I'm sleeping,
I dont think I'am.
Do you? "
Overall nice piece.
Keep writing mate.
All the best.
Thanks!!