Hope sparks.
Faith bubbles.
Love flows.
It dies.
It pops.
It stops.
I float, lost in this abyss you created for me.
I wither and fade as all else becomes void.
I sleep, so all I remember is your smile.
Your laugh echoes quiet.
Your 'I love you' is silent.
Your 'good bye' rings loudly.
My body is frail and evanescence.
My heart is splintered and departed.
My soul is smoke and forgotten.
It dies.
It pops.
It stops.
Hope splutters.
Faith simmers.
Love trickles.
All.
Over.
Again.
We continue to try.
Desperate to find it.
To find our happiness.
We yearn.
We long.
We ache.
All for the acceptance of others.
From those who sneer.
From those who leer.
From all those we fear.
All to feel the happiness we are promised.
Promised for so long.
Promised by all.
Promised since our very first cry.
All in the name of love.
Who are they to cause out pain?
Who are they to take it all away?
Who are they to break their promise to me?
They pull and pull.
Force you away.
But they don't understand.
All that you do...
You accept me.
You are my happiness.
You give me love...
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey there, EscapeToNeverland! cleverclogs here representing Team Batman on this fine Review Day!
Hmm, I think I can definitely tell that these are supposed to be separate poems. I think they'd be better off split up, as they don't have a whole lot to do with each other. Or maybe put them into different verses, like this:
If I had to guess, I would say that the split between the two poems is after either the 8th or 9th stanza. I think that this would definitely benefit from being split up, so I guess I'll review them as separate poems.
1.
Spoiler
Try varying your punctuation a bit more. Right now, just about every single line ends in a period. It gets a little dull to read. Maybe try to link some phrases together so it's not quite so choppy.
There were a few instances of incorrect parts of speech:
"Evanescence" should be "evanescent".
Just saying that your soul is smoke would be fine, but following it up with "forgotten" makes it kind of weird. Maybe try something like, "my soul has blown away like smoke, forgotten".
totally didn't steal 'blow away like smoke' from doctor who nope not meBack to the choppy lines: I feel like it kind of limits the poem to have every line end in a period. For instance, on these lines:
I feel like there's so much more you could have done with these. This was such a great opportunity for lots of beautiful description, but instead you chose to confine them all the one line. This is just an example, but here's what I might do to change this.
See how I strung those lines together? Now, I'm definitely not recommending that you do that exactly, but I think you should try to experiment more with this poem. It will make the lines flow more naturally, and make it even more lyrical than it already is.
I really liked how you described the motion of hope, faith, and love, and also how you described their motion stopping and starting again. It was really well done, and it helped tie the poem together a lot more. Overall, I liked this poem.
2.
Spoiler
The rhyming felt kind of forced and out of place. Especially since you didn't stick to any sort of rhyme scheme. I'd recommend editing the rhyming out entirely, because it really doesn't fit in this poem.
Honestly, having read this more thoroughly, I'd say that this should be posted as an entirely different poem than the other one. Thematically, they're totally different. They are similar in structure, but I think that's a result of them being written by the same person more than anything else. The only time where I felt any connection to the first poem in this one was at the very end, where the narrator starting talking about love again. You might be able to swing splitting them up with the "I." "II." things, but if it were me, I'd post them separately. But hey, that's me. It's totally up to you.
Basically, a lot of the feedback about the structure and description from the last poem work for this one, too. I still think you could have more freedom to make this beautiful if you punctuated differently and gave yourself more room to stretch. So in order to avoid being repetitive, I guess I'll wrap up this review. Basically, I wasn't as much of a fan of this poem, but it's still pretty good.
Overall, good work. I quite liked these, and I hope my feedback proved useful to you in some way. Keep on writing, and have a very happy Review Day!
Your writing is one of the best that I have read today and there are some things I would
like to say if I might.
One of the things I would like to say is that you are one of the greatest writers that I have
read about and that is a good thing because if you ask me that is one of the greatest things
ever.
But you could add a little more action in your story like when you say one thing you could
turn it into something new but if you don't want to that is okay with me.
One of the things I want to talk to you about is that you have a different way of writing
things,like every time you write a stanza you add this one thing
It dies.
It pops.
It stops.
and to me that is one of the best things that you have said and it adds a lot of good things
in my eyes.
Also when you are writing you could add a little more definition to what you are saying
because right now you don't have that but if you do add that one thing you will get more and
more reviews on what you are writing.
And I see that you have 2 stars and that is good because the more stars you have the more
people would see you.
And before I go I would like to say that if you keep writing you will be able to write things
you wouldn't believe what you wrote,and one last things I write this ever time I write a review
if you want to write another story please tell me and keep on writing.
I am sorry; but I couldn't get what you are trying to convey.
But don't stop. Keep writing.