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Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 6): Beach Time is Not Necessarily Eventful

by EnderFlash


I am here with another chapter. I’ve made it a personal goal that at some point in the near future, I must write a crossover between this and another story of mine. Or a short story showing Lucius and Arianna’s first meeting. I really want to do one of the two ;u;

The next chapter will try to be as light-hearted as possible without branching out into ridiculous humor. That’s right, next! Thiswasrushedlol

===

“We’re here!” With a flourish and glowing face, Claud proudly presented their ‘base’- which consisted of a couple dinky structures set up under a rocky overhang. To call the disconnected wooden planks ‘structures’ would be too generous, even. Lucius assumed that they were supposed to be some sort of bed or chair since they had pieces of cloth strewn on them.

“Oh, um, that’s great,” Wila said with obviously fake cheer, doing jazz hands. She exchanged a doubtful glance with Lucius. “Is this one of many?”

Claud shook his head, noticing their looks with a frown. “Only one. If you’ve seen other camps, then you’d agree that this is practically a resort compared to them. Most people don’t even bothering setting up a base, they just go wherever.” He gave them one last challenging glare, before walking to where a couple sticks were propped against the rocks.

Lucius threw the clothing he was carrying onto a platform and sat on the edge of a stump, digging his shoes into the sand to stabilize the wooden cylinder. He placed his cheek in one hand, leaning on his knee and staring at the rocky shoreline. The ocean looked normal enough, with its murky blue-gray depths and white-tipped waves, but the visible mountain range beyond that proved that it wasn’t very large. It looked like he could get on a raft and paddle across the body of water within a day.

“Hey, Mikhail!” With his free hand, Lucius swatted away a large fly, which gave an irritating buzz before flying off towards one of the many piles of seaweed.

There were some shuffles and then the albino stood next to him, holding one of the sticks over one shoulder. “Yes?”

Lucius noticed that what he thought were wooden sticks were crude spears. “We crossed across the plains from a forest to a beach within a couple hours. Are all the regions really small?”

Instead of immediately answering, Mikhail pointed to the back where the others were also getting spears. “Why d-don’t you go get some s-spears, too? You, you know, fish f-for lunch and everything.”

Lucius obeyed, bumping into Claud and apologizing on the way. There was only one spear left by that time, and obviously, it was the one in the worst condition. Picking it up with both hands and holding it vertically right against his chest, he walked back to Mikhail. The albino’s gaze lingered on the peculiar way Lucius was holding the spear for a bit, but didn’t say anything.

While the two headed towards the water, Mikhail explained some things to Lucius, who was starting to feel like he was always several steps behind everyone else. “Th-this isn’t exactly the r-real world, y-you see…”

“Obviously.” Lucius rolled his eyes, stepping on a small seashell. Its crackling sound was drowned out by the screeches of the gulls.

Mikhail bit his lip, thinking his next words over as to not give Lucius any reasons to make comments. His red eyes followed a white bird flying over the water. “Y-yeah, and so the environments are all p-pretty small, so you might be in a d-desert one hour and in the mountains the next. Pretty diverse, too.” The boy stopped and squinted at the bird he was looking at. “Hey, Lucius, that’s n-not a seagull, i-is it?”

The black-haired man tilted his head at the unfamiliar word and looked where Mikhail was staring. “Seagull? Is that what those birds all over the beach are called? Then no, it’s not. It looks familiar, though. I might’ve seen one of its kind before I came into the arena.”

The bird flapped closer and darker spots of gray and black became visible on its body. Mikhail shrugged, nudging Lucius to the right a little. “Let’s go a b-bit further down the sh-shore, since everyone’s already h-here. The bird’s pr-probably from another region. L-like I said, they’re very close to each other.”

The two decided on an area quite a while away from everyone else; from their distance, the three looked like little figurines. They carefully climbed down the rocks to where some sand peeked out below and met the water.

Lucius kneeled and put the spear the ground, pressing his fingers to the wet sand where they made small indents. Bringing them back up, he frowned upon seeing the grains stuck to his hand. “It’s too wet to sit comfortably.”

Mikhail raised his eyebrows, the corner of his mouth curling upwards. He picked up Lucius’ spear and held it out to him. “H-how would you spear f-fish sitting down?”

Slightly embarrassed, Lucius took the spear with a poker face. “Didn’t grow up anywhere near large bodies of water,” he muttered, although it was a shoddy excuse, since figuring out how to stab fish should’ve been common sense. He held the spear tip up to his face, lightly running his index finger over the edge. It wasn’t too sharp. “So how do we do this? Get out there, wait for something to swim by, and stab it?”

That was a sarcastic comment, so Lucius was surprised when Mikhail blushed, shrugged, and nodded. “Th-that’s what I do,” the albino mumbled, sheepishly using his free hand to scratch his cheek. “I, I actually h-haven’t caught anything yet. R-Reyna and Claud tend t-to get everything. Even watching them, I can’t figure it out.”

“Why did you offer to teach me, then?” Lucius asked, frustrated.

“I d-didn’t!” Mikhail squeaked, raising his free hand up in surrender. “W-well… I guess I sh-should’ve told you to go with the others.”

Lucius sighed. “Let’s just try. Do I need to take off my shoes?”

Mikhail nodded, already sitting down and sliding his sneakers off. “Roll up your pants, t-too.”

From where Reyna, Claud, and Wila were, there was a loud shout of triumph. They had probably caught something large. Lucius sighed again, getting down next to Mikhail. If the two of them could catch something, he would be happily spared from the likely teasing of the women. Somehow, though, Lucius had a feeling that he would be freeloading off of the others’ success.


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:24 pm
Chaser wrote a review...



Disclaimer: I have not read the previous chapters.

You said it yourself, not a lot happens here. This is only a small, but appreciated scene of the story. Granted, taken out of context, it's easy to get the wrong idea, so forgive me if I do. But pertaining to plot, it allows for some nice character development. Not in the sense of the individual, but more like a bond. Which is good, because all the characters here seem to be friends, and probably will remain so.

As for your writing style, it's got a subtle excellence to it. It ends up being very easy to read, while simultaneously giving the reader a clear picture of the setting. An excellent technique with word choice allows for a nice and lighthearted mood throughout the piece. I can only spot one part I didn't quite like:

They had probably caught something large.

Large seems like too bland a word to be used in an observation from Lucius' perspective.

The characters are also well-defined here, and while Mikhail's stuttering did get a little hard to read, I can appreciate the bonds formed between them. Dialogue's definitely your strongest tool for that.

Overall, it's a nice little scene in an excellent style, with some compelling characters sharing an entertaining conversation. A great read, in my opinion. Cheers!


-Chaser




EnderFlash says...


Thanks! Yeah, Mik's stutter seems to be a huge problem. I'm trying my best to cut it down as much as possible.



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Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:25 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! I hope your reviewing goes well today! (And go Zenith!) Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Note: If you've got a name, use it.

I think Timmy pointed this out last week, but I'll say it again. Try not to refer to characters by a hair color or something. If you feel like you're overusing a character's name, then don't worry because you're probably not. If you feel like us readers need a reminder of a certain physical trait, it would probably be best to slip it into the action.

Impressions

You've done a nice job with the scenery this week. It could still use some sprucing up with personification or wordplay or something, but it's definitely an improvement. YAY!

Again, I think Mikhail is stuttering a tad too much. Us readers already know he does this, you use strong verbs that help get his nervousness across.

I'm thankful for the bit of world-building you added in here. Since it seems like you're holding off on some action, this is a nice way to keep things moving.

Well, that's all I have for this week. I noticed a few sentences here and there that could use some fine-combing, but from your note, it seems like you were one of those last-minute submissions last week. (No excuses though! I expect those to be fixed soon.)

I'll be back for chapter 7! (You know, like a good companion. Those boys...)
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


oho ho hoho hohoh oh okeeeeee sorryz

Speaking of a good companion, I need to review your latest chapter(s?).


Astralnottobemeanbutwheretheheckareyouuuuareyoudeadtellmeiwillarrangeafuneral



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Mon Aug 24, 2015 6:20 am
Cleverfox says...



Very nice!




EnderFlash says...


Woah, that was face o_o



EnderFlash says...


I mean fast. Darn not being able to edit replies!




Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
— Jane Smiley