._.
Like I really have these awesome plot ideas but idk how to get to them so everything in between is sorta filler lololol
I entered a Young Author’s contest but I probs won’t win lol since I have no idea how to write something interesting, short, and appropriate for K1-G6.
poor reasons hur hur hur
Really though I’m super disappointed with how I made the last chapter turn out. It was just so…… generic and lame. *sighs* Let’s just see if I can make it better.
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The first thing Lucius did was to scuttle behind Claud, using the older man as a personal meat shield. Upon doing so, Lucius remembered something and gave Claud a wary look. “Okay, um, I can’t fight and no offense, but- woah!”
Claud stepped backwards, pushing Lucius along with him. “Don’t let them know that,” Claud muttered, keeping his eyes on the newly identified enemies. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he raised his head to the sky. “Here!” The sound resounded through the forest, sure to be heard for quite a distance around.
Lucius’s hands flew to his ears instinctively and winced. Nevertheless, though, he was grateful. Reyna and Wila should have heard that and would come to their location soon enough.
Their attackers must’ve realized the same thing, because as brief and vague Claud’s call was, there could only really be one purpose for it. A young lady, looking at most to be in her early twenties, rolled up her right sleeve and repositioned the fragile-looking branch in her hands. Another man’s eyes flickered to the trees behind them.
Then, from somewhere in to the left, an axe came flying out of the bush and nailed the tree right next to Chris. The man, who had gotten away with only a scare, wrenched it free of its rather shallow gash, giving it a distasteful look. “Can’t even consider this stolen,” he said. Since he wasn’t dead, he technically had all gloating rights. “Your aim is terrible.”
The leaves crackled and scattered, but no person appeared from behind any tree. Alright, so they weren’t as dumb as Lucius hoped. “How many of them are there, anyways?” Lucius asked to no one in particular. With their luck, they were probably surrounded.
No war cries. They were pointless, and at best informed the enemy of what you were doing. The supposed leader of theirs swung his axe in a wide arc again, this time aiming for Claud. Lucius let go of Claud so that he wouldn’t be pulled along as the taller man sidestepped, and realized that he was now exposed.
With skill surprising of how weak Claud had evidenced himself to be, Claud caught the nameless leader’s wrist and wasted no time kicking him in the shin. The brief distraction that provided him allowed Claud to wrench the axe free and, as the now unarmed man instinctively reached for it in panic, step back as well. An incomprehensible whisper, and the axe transformed into a long yet thin steel pole with a grooved rectangle at the end. It hardly took more than a millisecond, and if Lucius hadn’t consciously replayed the event in his mind, he never would’ve known that something changed. It was strange effect – it happened not only visually, but something seemed to tug on Lucius’s brain and try to overlap the memory of the axe with whatever the object Claud was holding. The new club itself, Lucius didn’t recognize, but it looked hard and good for hitting people, which is really what they needed at the moment.
In the split-second flurry of thoughts that swept into Lucius’s brain, the first thing he registered was that such a fantastical transformation should be impossible. The second answered his first in that it could only be the exchange system he heard about; a weapon for a weapon, in this case. The third was that everything was turning out to be extremely lame and devoid of intense the golden encompassing glows that one might expect.
Any fourth thought that he might have processed was destroyed before birth by a leafy branch smacking him straight in the face. Immediately shoving it upwards, Lucius saw the pale face of the woman who had rolled her sleeve up and kicked out, completely missing. His action did get her to retreat, giving Lucius the opportunity to scuttle back a foot or so.
His attacker seemed just as nervous about the whole fight as he was, the only difference being that she had a weapons of sorts. Eyes honing in on it, Lucius remembered Claud’s previous actions and forced a grin off his face. All he had to do was steal that branch.
Lunging forward like the tactless fighter he was, Lucius grabbed onto the edge of the branch and pulled. Unfortunately, his reward amounted to a fistful of leaves and the girl stumbled back. “Darn it,” he said, releasing the useless foliage.
“M-matt?” The girl called out the name of one of her friends, frantically looking around. A man, probably ‘Matt’, instantly showed up behind her. Where had he come from? A look of relief descended upon her, and almost at the same time, irritation and anxiety appeared on Lucius’s face.
“Great, two versus one,” he whispered, once again stepping backwards. Looking to the side, he saw Claud trying and sometimes succeeding in hitting the narrow-eyed man. Then, before he could locate Chris or Mikhail, Matt and the girl advanced, clearly spurred on by their advantage.
Just as Lucius was getting ready to curse obligation to hell and flee, there was a blur of white and the man was knocked over, letting out a cuss of his own. Standing on the fallen person’s back was Mikhail, who was looking a bit pained from the impact himself. Lucius noticed that the albino has leapt from a nearby tree onto Matt, but couldn’t spare the injured man any sympathy.
The girl, noticing what had happened, shrieked and swung wildly at Mikhail. He was hit and stumbled away, but the branch only gave him a couple minor scratches on the chin. While the girl fell to her knees beside her companion and worriedly shook him, Lucius took the role of the opportunity-seizing jerk and kicked her, hard, in the right shoulder. He then snatched up her branch, and just as he was about to have it transform into something cooler, realized that he had no idea what to do. “Mikhail, how the hell do I do that exchange thing and turn this into a knife or something?”
Mikhail shot their temporarily downed opponents a brief glance and, seeing that they were already recollecting themselves, chose to first take care of them. He took a deep breath and whispered an apology. Then, he swung back his leg and kicked Matt right above the ear.
Lucius's hand flew up to his own head. He did, however, see the reasoning and prepared to copy Mikhail’s action, cruel as it seemed. He felt like one of those mob characters you’d see in a book beating on a little kid or something, except for that the kid was replaced by a grown man that probably would’ve done the same thing in Lucius’s situation.
There was a sudden rustle from the bush behind him. He had just turned around to see the other woman, club raised above her head. He had just the time to flinch and bring his arm up to block against the inevitable impact.
There was a loud bang.
The woman fell forwards, her mouth open in a cry of anticipation and anger that had transformed into one of pain. Her front had no signs of injury, but as she lay on the ground, Lucius saw a tiny hole in the back of her head, closer to the base of her head than the top, releasing tendrils of dark blood. Not yet dead, the woman twitched, that being the only thing she could do.
Raising his eyes, Lucius first saw the gun –it was so small, that explained why he didn’t see it hidden away wherever before-, then the hand that held it, and finally the face that stared over the smoking barrel. It was a little on the pale side, and had only a thin line for the mouth, but rather apathetic. “She’s still alive?”
Lucius stared at the soon-to-be murderer, and then back at the rapidly stilling woman. Her pain would end soon. He felt no rage, for he barely knew this person, but waves of dread and some other hollowing feeling poured into his heart, which felt like plastic. “… Chris, where did you get the gun from?”
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there Ender! Niteowl here to review for the Sanguine Warriors this fine Review Day!
Okay, so I'm feeling the opposite of your characters right now lol. Up to this point, there hasn't been a lot of action, so let's get to it!
Um...is making a loud noise that everyone can hear in an arena full of people that probably want to kill you really a smart idea? Never mind that I'm not sure it would even work unless Reyna is secretly a bat and can pinpoint their location.
Wait a minute..has he heard about the exchange system? I just read all the chapters up to this point and I haven't seen this. Except for Chapter 24 which mentions it, but obviously that hasn't happened yet. Maybe I'm not reading closely enough, or maybe you thought you wrote about it but didn't. I would check.
Okay, this is more of a nit-picky thing, but I find the use of contractions in the narration distracting. Of course they're useful in dialogue, and maybe they make sense in a first person narration, but it just seems weird in the third person.
I'm also now pondering why they're unarmed. If I'm remembering correctly, they split up to investigate the source of a sound (probably people) in a forest in an arena full of people who would probably benefit from killing them. And they had spears which they used for fishing. Shouldn't they have anticipated this a little better and brought the spears?
Okay two things here. First, amusedly is a weird adverb, and according to spellcheck, isn't even a word. I would use a verb instead, like "Lucius chuckled at how the albino...". Second, "has leapt" is present perfect, so there's tense switching going on. Most of your story is in past tense, so keep it consistent.
This is kind of clumsy. I'm not sure how to reword it, but maybe "Something rustled in the bushes behind him. Lucius turned to see another woman, club raised above her head..."
Oh man. The plot thickens. There's definitely more action, and I'm ready to see where this is going. Keep writing!
? I believe Wila explained it to him in the beginning.
Ulp. More reasons why I need to spend twice the amount of time editing than writing. I'll go ahead and change the stuff you mentioned. Thanks!
I CAN'T GET OVER THAT I USED AMUSEDLY WHAT WAS I THINKING-

Thanks for pointing that part out, especially.
Yeah I reread that chapter and she did in a sense, but nothing about magically being able to turn weapons into other weapons.
Hmm. I guess I didn't make it clear enough. I'll reword it sometime.
Yeah, fight scenes! I love fight scenes. I promise you they are not filler, especially when they end in way epic plot twists like this one here at the end.
Anyways, moving on.
General Comments:
1. You were pretty sloppy with your proofreading. Maybe give the chapter another look-over before Hunter and Tort meander along?
2. Normally, I would put this under details, but since the whole chapter was a fight scene, I'll put this comment here.
Your sentence structure affects the speed of the action. In fight scenes, this is especially important, because if the reader has to slow down to interpret something, the action will read slower than you might want.
To make something read quickly, keep your subject and predicate of each independent clause close together and limit yourself on how many or how long of dependent clauses you're using. Adjectives and adverbs will be used only when nothing else can convey your point, and if there's information the audience should already know, don't remind us during the fight. (i.e, Claud's impression of being a gentle giant.)
Or in shorter phrasing: every single word is on purpose. (By the way, "on purpose" is like my mantra, so if you're struggling with any kind of art form, remember this.)
Details:
Nothing to say here. Moving on.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. Mikhail's odd strength and nerves and Chris's knowledge and gadgets make them both super suspicious... make sure to keep the plot twists at bay for a while so whatever effect you end up going for regarding those two is more surprising.
2. If that dying woman disappears because of Chris's gun, I will freak out.
3. Haha, Lucius's fighting sense is terrible. He tries and then turns out entirely useless. I've never told a fight scene from the perspective of someone like him, but now I have something to remember for reference. A++
I think that's it for this week. Catch you later, and may all your clarinet reeds stay in one piece.
-Buggie
OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT TO MENTION THIS: Your title is fantabulous. A pun usage.
Err... A-plus-plus... Those plus signs somehow snuck out.
I came on and saw that you commented on my work three times xD Well, I'll keep those action tips in mind! I should start writing little segments to practice certain areas in writing.
Lucius scuttled behind Claud, and used the older man as a personal meat shield.
Do you see the difference? It flows better this way. It's because you are in the wrong tense. It happened. That's how you are telling it. Instead of it's happening. Bring the reader into the story. Make him a part of it. When you use past tense, you are leaving them out.
If Lucius can't fight don't say he remembered he can't fight and gave him a wary look. Either make it a joke or just use the dialogue you have next.
Also I'm not sure if you want to start your story this way. It's a little confusing for an opening.
You say the sound resounded through the forest, and then you wrote that it was sure to be heard. Well yeah you just told us that by saying it resounded through the forest. Don't make any line you wrote become unimportant like you did here.
It's a difficult read to be perfectly honest with you. It's because you are still young, and still developing your writing style. Eventually you will get one. My advice to you is to write shorter stories. Write 200 word scenes until you love what you can do in a 200 word scene. Then write 1,500 word stories. And after you mastered that push it up to 5,000 word short stories.
Write short stories. Don't attempt anything more because you need to learn how to write concise pieces. I was frustrated lots of times because I felt like I was being tugged in every direction to describe a particular scene. Simplify it. Read some Hemingway.
Maybe for you it would be easier to write in the first person. It feels like that's what you want to do anyway. Try that. Maybe it might work better for you.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
Also never write filler.
Thanks for the review! I don't know about the first-person thing... I've tried it a couple times, but I always scrapped it because it didn't feel right.