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Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 7): Group (Sorta) Bonding at Last

by EnderFlash


*lying in fetal position* I’m bored. I am so, sooooo bored.

Also, I swear to whatever writing gods are out there that I’m trying to cut down on the dialogue, but it just keeps on popping in!

===

“Woah, Luc-luc, you seriously almost drowned in water that shallow?” Wila smothered her mouth with her sleeves before she could burst into another fit of laughter, but ultimately failed. Her voice was small compared to the emptiness of the entire beach, but in that moment, Lucius felt that there was no louder, more annoying sound.

“Shut up,” Lucius growled, cutting Wila off. Ripping a chunk of fish off of his wooden skewer, he chewed hard enough to hear his own teeth gnashing against each other. He stared at the fire with a sulky disposition, wishing that it wasn’t quite so hot.

Wila wisely stopped testing his patience. She refocused her attention on Claud and Reyna’s conversation, popping in with innuendos about their relationship that made Claud blush and Reyna laugh. The three had long since finished their meal and were sitting on one large log together, seemingly best buddies now. They must have bonded over their mutual talent in catching fish, Lucius thought, having speared a couple each.

“H-hey, sorry for their behavior…” Without Lucius realizing it, Mikhail had seated himself next to Lucius in the sand. The boy gave an apologetic smile, nervously rubbing bits of warm sand between his fingers. “It’s all in good fun, r-really.”

“I know that,” Lucius muttered, pausing in his attempt to dig out a sliver of fish in between his teeth. He noticed Mikhail’s doubtful expression and nudged the albino in the shoulder. “Jeez, I’m telling the truth. How old are you again?”

“S-sixteen.” Mikhail didn’t seem any shyer than he usually was about admitting his young age, but Lucius was certainly put off by it. It should have been obvious just by Mikhail's height and features, but it still felt surprising.

“Right, sixteen,” Lucius repeated, pushing away the comments on his youth that had popped into his head, “so stop acting like some sort of parent. Well, maybe you could pass for an old man with that hair.”

Mikhail’s hands flew up to his hair, patting it in a protective manner. He pouted a little, but that was soon replaced with a smile. “S-sure. Then in exchange, why’re don’t you open up t-to the rest of the group?”

“Nope,” Lucius immediately said, popping the ‘p’. He said it loud enough for the others to hear, but they didn’t seem to, considering their lack of reaction. “Don’t need to. It’ll come in time, I’m sure, so there’s no point forcing it.”

“W-with that attitude, I’m sure that th-the time will come m-much faster than hoped...” Mikhail sighed, scratching his cheek. The boy seemed to respect Lucius' opinion, though, as he didn’t continue talking and started drawing shapes in the sand.

An awkward silence between the two ensued, and after a while, Mikhail sighed and got up. “I’ll… go put out th-the fire.” He headed towards the overhang, probably to get some makeshift basket to hold seawater.

Reyna noticed Mikhail’s absence and got up, eagerly pulling a not-as-eager Lucius over. “Hey, Lucius! Stop trying to be a cool loner and join us already!”

“I’m not trying-!” Lucius began, but was cut off by Reyna when she brought her finger close his lips in a hushing movement. He found that quite rude, but complaints probably wouldn’t affect Reyna at all, so he just glared at her and kept quiet.

The woman took his angry silence as a sign of acceptance of their friendship. She dramatically flung her arms out. “Lucius! You’re truly one of us now!”

Claud promptly smacked her on the head, not hard enough to leave a mark, but not soft enough to let Reyna escape without reprimand. “You’ll have to get used to her. She’s been this way since forever.”

“’Since forever’?” Wila latched onto those two words and gave them an innocent look of curiosity, her eyes a little wider than usual. “You speak as if you guys knew each other for a long time… like before the arena, perhaps?”

“Yes,” Claud admitted. He didn’t look nearly as nervous as Wila probably expected, considering her disappointed expression. “I’ve known her since first grade. We weren’t always friends, more of rivals, but we knew each other nevertheless. It’s both amazing and pitiful that we came together in here as well."

“Ooh, ooh, story time!” Wila grabbed Lucius, preventing his escape plan, and urged Claud to continue with some rapid hand motions.

The man just leaned back on the log, crossing his arms and shaking his head. “It’s personal.”

At the same time, Reyna leaned forwards and clapped her hands once. “Of course!”

The two turned to stare at eachother. 

Claud frowned, looking a little hurt. "Reyna, do you really think that revealing private info to people we met yesterday is smart?"

"That's in the past!" Reyna crossed her arms and straightened up. "What goes on in the world outside doesn't concern us any longer. So why not do some group bonding by sharing stories? Lead by example, Claud."

"You know, you guys don't have-" Lucius began, not wanting to share any of his childhood memories, either, but cut off when he saw Claud raise two fingers to his eyes and do what was usually known as the 'I'm watching you' motion.

The thin line that was Reyna's mouth curled upwards into a smile. She gave a short nod and also raised her hand, counting down from three. "Give us a sec," Reyna said to Lucius and Wila without turning to look at them. "We need to decide something the way we've always done."

As soon as all of Reyna's fingers went down, she and Claud stiffened, staring at eachother dead in the eyes. A second passed, then another, and Lucius realized they were doing some sort of staring contest.

Wila moved to wave her hands in front of their faces, but Lucius stopped her. He wanted to see where this was going. Even the sounds of the ocean waves and bird calls seemed to mute themselves to respect the contest.

Finally, after two or three of invisible storms of intenseness, Reyna groaned and brought her palms to her eyes, rubbing them. Claud gave an uncharacteristically loud shout of triumph.

“Ha! That makes it four thousand and eighty five to one thousand and seventy nine, in my favor!” He squeezed his eyes shut while saying that, giving his eyeballs a well-deserved rest. A broad grin, the largest that Lucius had seen him make so far, stretched across his face.

“As if!” Reyna frowned, her eyes rather red but otherwise fine. “I’m at four thousand and eighty two, I’m sure of that.”

“Wait, wait,” Wila broke on before they could continue, moving between them. She also pushed them an inch back, making sure that they were as far away from each other as she could make them. “What the heck just happened? We just went from soon-to-be pleasant nostalgia to deathly death glares of death within seconds.”

“Oh, sorry,” Claud exclaimed, dipping his head. The previous victory on his face was replaced with a slightly ashamed look. “Whenever we can’t agree on something, we try doing staring contests. It began as a dare, and then it escalated into a habit. I think it started in second grade.”

Wila brought her palm to her face, groaning. "That's the cheesiest thing I've ever seen. When I joined this group, I thought I would be the one trolling and doing weird stuff, so why are you two, especially you, Claud, doing such time-waster stuff?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Lucius opened his mouth to answer, if only to annoy Wila. Payback for the teasing about his less-than-prudent spearing skills, one could say. A head of white caught his eye, and he slightly moved his head to see that Mikhail had returned with a grass basket filled with water. “Back, Mikhail?”

The boy nodded and turned the basket upside down over the already dying blaze, effectively killing it. Lucius assumed that he had been the one to stop the two from endlessly starting staring contests before this.

Wila also noticed Mikhail, and a question must have popped into her head, because she gave the albino boy the same questioning look that she had given Claud. “Say, Mikhail, did you know these two from the outside world too?”

Mikhail averted his eyes from her stare, and sat down a foot away from Lucius before answering. “No… th-they picked me up afterwards…”

“Oh, I see!” Wila had a devilish expression that couldn’t mean anything good. It was quickly replaced with a cheerful, friendly one that was somehow even more ominous. “So Claud and Reyna are like the old married couple, and Mikhail’s their adopted child. Perfect roles!” She got on one knee and made a little rectangle with her thumbs and index fingers like a director would do, positioning her hands so that the three of them were all visible in the box. "Man, I should aim for director status instead."

Claud was flustered by this, shaking his head in denial. “As if! I get where you’re coming from, but the part about me and-!”

“Woah, that’s true!” Reyna either ignored or didn’t notice the underlying message to Wila’s words, because she clapped the younger lady on the back. “I didn’t notice that. You didn’t either, did you, Claud?”

Said man gave Reyna a look of disbelief, before settling into something akin to weary acceptance. The rosy tinges to his ears faded away. “Ye- I mean no, I didn’t.”

Lucius actually felt some genuine pity for Claud. Crushing on a girl that dense could not be easy, and if they really had known each other for so long, how long had unrequited love gone on? He patted Claud on the back, hoping to express his sympathies. It must have seemed more mocking than real, because he received a glare for his efforts.

Wila noticed Lucius’ intentions, though, and she gave him a thumbs-up. Not that it helped in any way.

The group sorta-bonding moment was ruined when a pained cry pierced the air, although it was faint enough to tell that it was from somewhere in the plains area. Lucius snapped his head around in an attempt to locate the sound.

“Was that a-?”

“Probably someone who’s now dead; male, by the pitch of their voice,” Claud replied, his face wound up with an amount of pity that was more appropriate for a broken limb than possible murder. He got to his feet. “Although, it’s dangerously close, so it’s best for us to check it out. Now that we’re in a group of five, we can split into two groups: one of two, and one of three.”

“Ehhhh, I’ll be in the team of two, then.” Reyna stood and stretched her arms. “I’ll go with Wila.”

Wila was startled and didn’t look too happy about that, for whatever reason. “W-what? Oh, yeah, great.”

“Don’t worry about it, Wila, she’s our best fighter.” Claud gave a warm smile that was more directed towards Reyna than Wila, in Lucius’ opinion. “You’ll be fine.”

Wila gave a nod, looking a bit more enthusiastic this time. Satisfied, Claud turned to Mikhail and Lucius. “So we three will be going together. Boys and girls separated, it seems. What is this, elementary school?” When neither of the other men laughed, Claud frowned. “Alright, whatever. Let’s go, and head back to the overhang if you haven’t found anything by the time the sun starts to set.”

“Alright!” Reyna pointed to the part where the plains joined with the beach and a dry landscape. “We’ll start from there.” She tugged on Wila’s collar to let the other girl know that they were leaving, and the two took off, trying to run as fast as they could without tripping in the sand. “See you!”

“Claud, do we need to-?”

“No. We walk, especially since we just ate lunch.”


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1274 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:47 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Ender! Niteowl to leave a quick review for the Sanguine Warriors this fine Review Day!

Okay so I decided to go back and at least read the whole thing. I haven't left any reviews on the first few chapter because I didn't have much to add and you had good reviews. So here are my thoughts up to this point.

1) Strangers trust each other awfully fast, which seems odd in an arena environment.
2) This is more of a commentary on the previous chapter...but why on earth were they fishing with spears? That does not seem like a terribly effective way to get fish. Personally I would try to make a net from something before I would use a spear.

She got on one knee and made a little rectangle with her thumbs and index fingers like a director would do, positioning her hands so that the three of them were all visible in the box. "Man, I should aim for director status instead."


So far, this has been a limited-third-person story told from Lucius's point of view. That is, we should see and know things as he sees them. We established in a previous chapter that he doesn't know what an actor is, so how would he know what a director is? I would make him more puzzled by this motion.

The group sorta-bonding moment was ruined when a pained cry pierced the air, although it was faint enough to tell that it was from somewhere in the plains area.


The opening part of this sentence isn't really needed. It feels too much like telling instead of showing, and "sorta-bonding" feels like a weak descriptor. I think simply "A pained cry pierced the air" would make a sharper transition.

Overall, I'm getting into this story, and I'm going to keep reading (although I won't necessarily review every chapter). Keep writing! :)




EnderFlash says...


(Woah, you review fast... I was surprised to see the influx of notifications xD) Anyways, I'll be going through them all. I apologize for the fish-spear-thing... This is my first time writing anything related to survival. So, um, yeah, I'll try to do more research next time. Thanks xP



niteowl says...


No problem. I've been doing really short reviews so that's why it seems fast lol. I was going to try to finish the last few chapters, but I am getting tired now so I think they'll get better reviews tomorrrow. :)



niteowl says...


No problem. I've been doing really short reviews so that's why it seems fast lol. I was going to try to finish the last few chapters, but I am getting tired now so I think they'll get better reviews tomorrrow. :)



niteowl says...


No problem. I've been doing really short reviews so that's why it seems fast lol. I was going to try to finish the last few chapters, but I am getting tired now so I think they'll get better reviews tomorrrow. :)



niteowl says...


No problem. I've been doing really short reviews so that's why it seems fast lol. I was going to try to finish the last few chapters, but I am getting tired now so I think they'll get better reviews tomorrrow. :)



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Mon Sep 21, 2015 3:37 pm
Sherri wrote a review...



Hello Ender! :D
Let me start off by saying I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'll avoid commenting on any confusion I might be having. After reading, however, I do plan on going back and reading the rest of this story! You write really well; everything's easy to read, fun to get invested in, and entertaining to learn/see. :) So I will be back!
Okay, as for nitpicks, I don't have all that many. There were only a few places where it looked like you missed a word or two, but other than that you edit your work pretty well.
The biggest confusion I had in this piece was here: "“S-sixteen.” Mikhail didn’t any shyer than he usually was about admitting his young age, but Lucius was certainly put off by it." I had to reread "Mikhail didn't any shyer..." several times, both aloud and in my head, to see if I was just saying it wrong and that's why it didn't sound right. I decided to go ahead and mention it here (I read things awkwardly so that they sound as if they're incorrect more often than I'd like to admit) because it appears to be a little mistake.
I could have sworn there was another, but I just read the chapter over again and I can't find it...
Anyways, I'd like to compliment you on your name choices (I love creative names :D ) and your amazing character development. Wila is my personal favorite--she made me smile quite a bit, actually; I really enjoyed her energy and mischieveousness--but all of your characters seem to be formed nicely.
Please keep writing, and if you have a notifs list going for when you post new chapters, add me to it!! I'll catch up with previous chapters as quickly as I can. :)
Have a nice day! (or night, depending on your timezone...)




EnderFlash says...


Ah, thank you! I changed that; it was supposed to be "Mikhail didn't seem any shyer".



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 5:39 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



UM CLAUD AND REYNA WHAT. BACKSTORIES, ENDER. MY JOURNALISM HABITS ARE KICKING IN.

Anyways, I'm trying to decide if I should be surprised at this revelation. It crossed my mind, but it was like the first possibility I threw out.

Now then... more serious things.

Note 1: Have more confidence in yourself, lady.

I know that when you're receiving reviews all the time and constantly learning new things for improvement, your self-esteem will droop, but honestly, you have so much to be proud of already. You've improved immensely since chapter 1, so you deserve cookies and ice cream.

Also, you are nowhere near having too much dialogue. Too much dialogue isn't really a thing. What matters is that you give variety in presentation, which you already excel at, and you mix in a helpful serving of action (which you also do).

Note 2: Let's talk about dashes!

There are two types of dashes, and they are very important. They are the Em dash and En dash.

The En dash is the little short one that you can just type in with your keyboard. This is what you use for stuttering, words that are combined into one (like "sorta-bonding), and for words that are broken up over two lines (which we don't really see here because technology is smart, but you know what I'm talking about).

The Em dash is the long dash. Often, writers on YWS will denote it with two En dashes, but I just told autocorrect to make two En dashes into an Em dash every time I type them in. We use Em dashes for interruptions, both in speech and to add additional information.

You also will not generally see punctuation after a dash, because the sentences often have clear enough meaning without. The dash becomes your end punctuation.

Normally, I wouldn't comment on this, but the chapter just had so many instances where you were switching between En and Em that I thought you should know. (They unfortunately don't teach this in schools...)

Compliments and little things!

1. I love the interactions regarding Claud in this chapter. They are really effective in garnering him sympathy, but still reinforce his calm, stoic demeanor. A++ (Also, who doesn't like a stoic falling for a cheery maniac?)

2. Mikhail just gets more suspicious every chapter... I don't know if you intended this or not, but his constant fear of the others and the connotations behind how he expresses his fear make him seem like he is plotting something. It'll be interesting to see what plot twists come of this.

3. I love the tone you've set for this novel. It's gloomy and straightforward, but every so often you'll slip in sentences that, if I squint, can be happy or funny. It's been so much fun to explore the different styles of our review group.

And speaking of review groups, where are those boys? Hunter said he'd be catching up with us since it's review month, but where is he now? (Probably school. Ugh.)

Anyways, that's about it! Catch you later.
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


Oh! I really didn't know about the dashes thing... How do I set autocorrect to change two smaller ones into the longer one?



Ventomology says...


Uh... I don't actually know. I did that a while ago. I think Microsoft Word will do it automatically, and Google Docs lets you change settings on autocorrect, but I'm not sure about other programs.



EnderFlash says...


Also, what do you mean by journalism habit?

AKA I have no idea what the first line of your review means e_e



Ventomology says...


Basically, I am itching to know their stories. I was an evil reporter lady last year (though now I just KO boys with my trombone).



EnderFlash says...


well then IT'LL NEVER BE REVEALED

jk i'll do it somehow idk




A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb