Okay, so for that paragraph where he wakes up, I think he would look at his sister first before thinking about how weird his dream was. Cause you have that whole quick jerky movements and waking with a start thing going on and this slow chunky thought in the middle. And then you go back to sleepiness which doesn’t make a lot of sense if he is awake enough to throw blankets around and whip his head around. If he’s really awake (with a start (what does that even really mean?)) then he’s up fully and completely not slowly waking up like a normal person would. Also he’s yawning and seeing, which is weird because when people yawn they tend to blink and close their eyes (but like I said get rid of the yawning completely and that’ll solve both of these problems.
““…Luke?” Arianna was awake, calling him by that nickname again”
This is one of those things that doesn’t need to be stated. His name is Lucius and Luke sounds similar, it’s an easy leap to nickname. You don’t need to tell me it’s a nickname (unless it’s like Lukey-poo in which case that’s embarrassing enough to say THAT nickname. It says that there are many nicknames but this one is THAT one.)
What is dirty black hair? Is it like dirty blonde? Jk I know what you’re saying but that was my first thought. She has black hair and it’s dirty. Try tangled or unwashed or phrase it some other way so that I understand that it’s dirty and she hasn’t bathed and you don’t just tell me that that’s what’s going on. Most likely he’s not clean either and he wouldn’t be saying that HER hair is dirty because that would mean his hair is dirty, it’s also probably normal for her hair to be dirty right? So he wouldn’t just say that he might mention that she could be cleaner, but dirty would be different to him than it is to me right? (this ended up a lot longer than I thought so sorry)
“she instead asked, ignoring him.”
Again I can tell she’s ignoring you. It doesn’t need to be stated (also ignoring means that she wouldn’t be acknowledging his command so she wouldn’t question it) and instead is awkward there. (okay I honestly did not read that blind part so sorry but same idea) if you want to mention the blindness now I might state it as if she’s looking at the light in the window and then asking about the light (like it should be obvious but… blind)
““Well, yes, but you slept late last night, so you must be tired,” Lucius said, smiling although Arianna couldn’t see it.”
I don’t need to be told that she can’t see it, it just makes you sound like you’re driving the whole blind thing in harder and it just doesn’t fit.
“and shoved something small and hard into Lucius’ lax palm”
Lax?
“Confused, Lucius lifted his hand to see the present.”
Show me he is confused. He’s confused so maybe he hesitates or maybe he raises an eyebrow at her before looking or maybe he’s still shocked by her grabbing his hand.
““As if!” Arianna shot back, nudging him in the side. Her laughter was cut off by a series of coughs.”
The movement to the coughing sentence feels a bit jerky. Like it’s in a completely different paragraph and out of context (it’s in context but it feels out). Maybe instead she nudges him once but then immediately slips and grabs her chest coughing, but still forcing out laughs so that he doesn’t worry.
““Woah, don’t strain yourself,” Lucius said, losing his cheerful demeanor immediately.”
Again show. Maybe he immediately grabs her shoulders (you know how when somone you loves is like choking and you, feeling useless, try to rub their back like it might help? (well maybe just me but that might be a point)).
““Lying down will help you feel better,” he said, not adding the “I think” at the end.”
Maybe he should add the “I think” he seems to use comedy (going by the first bit) to diffuse tension so maybe he should add it and Ari would laugh.
“You only got like four hours of sleep last night.””
I just didn’t like this part of his dialogue. I get that he’s in serious mother mode but this doesn’t feel like something would actually say. He wants her to sleep so the faster he stops talking the better.
“Before long, the young girl was fast asleep.”
A lot of people I’ve reviewed lately have made young characters seem older and this is one that ACTUALLY FEELS YOUNG. I don’t need to be told that she is, trust me I know she is.
“Watching her peaceful form like this, Lucius could almost forget that she was dying of some sort of illness.”
I don’t like form. It sounds inhuman when he obviously sees her as the greatest human ever. And the whole dying from some sort of illness but is too much like his comedic diffusing personality. It sounds too “but like not really this is a hyperbole” and not serious enough to fit in with how he’s acting “chin in his palm” serious. And the whole “too poor” line is the same. Try stating it like “they didn’t have the money” instead it sounds more like someone in that situation and more serious rather than slightly hyperbolized.
“ The one-room building was dark, but it was also too small for anyone to be hiding in the shadows without detection.”
First off I loved his reaction to the door (despite that he may be disturbing Ari that way) but this line was again too serious for his funny tone. Try getting rid of the “in the shadows without detection” bit.
“While the house was run-down and old, all the cracks weren’t wide enough for anyone to fit a hand through, much less an entire door.”
All the cracks? Maybe NONE of the cracks. And the run-down and old felt too stereotypical description of an abandoned house. Maybe well-loved and crumbling and in need of a good coat of paint but never old. He would have more pride in his home (if he lived here long which I assume he has If he knows ALL of the cracks) describe it as he would.
“She was curled up into a ball, shivering even while covered with the thick quilt Lucius had made for her. His eyes narrowed, and despite having seen the same sight for a year now, a dark, bitter feeling rose up in his chest.”
So now the quilt is not only shared by them but made by him. The plot thickens. And the “same sight for a year now” not your best line.
” “A second chance,” he repeated in a bit of a wondrous tone, “for both of us? Where Ari’s parents never died for her? Where we could live like normal children?””
WOULD HE REALLY SAY THIS OUT LOUD? He KNOWS all this he can think it he doesn’t have to say it OUT LOUD. And the “Where Ari’s parents never died for her?” needs to be rephrased because it is distracting. Also is he a child or a man? I thought he was about seventeen and then you said man and now it’s child, so which is it?
“Not trustworthy as in leading-him-around-while-he’s-drugged, but trustworthy like something Arianna would say.”
What?
“It was like there really were two separate parts of him, arguing.”
Explain the parts to me. This sounded like it was leading into elaboration and it never did. I am a tad disappointed.
“It couldn’t hurt, he decided. The results were either that he was delusional or, somehow, he would really be granted a chance to change things. If he didn’t even try, then the two of them would live the rest of their lives in hardship, and no doubt Ari would pass away somewhere along the line.”
Not to mention there would always be an inexplicable door in their bedroom. (Also consider, in this section, what needs to be thought and what needs to be said)
“ Overall, his sharp appearance contrasted greatly from Lucius’ messy black hair, ratty old overcoat, patched pants, dirty t-shirt, and scuffed boots.”
I like the tone of this line, and I like any chance to describe a character, but this seems forced.
“ “I said nothing but my first impressions of you. You can’t hurt a man for being honest. I’m sure that such opinions of you will change… As long as you make it so.””
Also sounds forced. (the following dialogue is great though.)
” Then, he gave a polite smile, a total one-eighty from his previous actions.”
YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THIS! I CAN SEE IT VERY CLEARLY!!!! 
“ “We seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot; some small talk will clear that up. I told you my impressions of you, what are yours of me?””
Cute but he’s already heard the first impression from Luke. He doesn’t have to ask (and would this asshole really ask for something like that, from a person he doesn’t respect)
“My name is Christopher, Christopher Ackerman.”
My name is Ackerman, Christopher Ackerman.
““Well then,” Chris said, disregarding the hostility in Lucius’ voice.”
I CAN SEE THE DISREGARD! AND I CAN SEE THE HOSTILITY! Also are we already on nickname basis? Stick with Christopher unless someone in the text says to call him Chris (or just calls him Chris) You HAVE to stick with the names the Characters give you (even if they’re long 
Overall loved this. You have a good sense of tone and age and humor. VERY VERY GOOD.
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Points: 893
Reviews: 69
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