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Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 23): Disrespect Your Elders

by EnderFlash


“Alright, Lucius, you have to promise me not to freak out,” Wila said, stepping around a tree. Doing so made her bump into Mikhail and his entire body jerked away in surprise. She raised an eyebrow and nudged him again, nearly tripping him over a tangle of plants. “You too, I guess.”

“Continue.” The plains terrain was visible beyond the last unorderly rows of trees, much to Lucius’s relief. Flat slopes meant less hiding places for would-be murderers and plenty of space for him to escape at top speed.

“Alright,” she repeated, and took a deep breath, “the friend before was real. The way we used her, though, wasn’t. Mikhail here travelled with her for a while, it seems. I was with another group of… four? Five? Can’t really remember, but I stayed with them for quite a while.” There was hesitation, and then a wary glance at Lucius. “She’s dead now.”

“Huh?” Lucius pulled a face and lifted a hand to cup his ear. “Excuse me, could you repeat that?”

A whimper. Mikhail shuffled to the side. The combination of white hair, pale skin, and a light top made him all the more pathetic and ghostly- he certainly floated away like one. “Erm, I’ll… m-move over now.” As soon as that was said, the boy broke into a timely gait in a direction diagonal to their current one.

“Urgh, fine. She’s dead. As in, we killed her.” Displeasure was plastered onto her face as the they stepped into the plains. The army of green grass thinned out into rogue battalions amongst their dry yellow counterparts and a breeze pushed at those who dared stand tall.

The information fluttered through Lucius’s ears, settled into his brain, and then promptly got itself jammed in his mental gears. Everything spluttered to a stop and Lucius was left staring at Wila with a blank expression as his facial muscles died down as well. A word managed to slip past the unresponsive workings. “What?”

Wila kept her gaze forward. “Hey, if it makes you feel better, I didn’t participate in it. I was lounging around with another guy and the tall one… Jerry? Johnathon? He came back and told us about it. Awfully happy, he was; I think he had a friend or something that-“

“Don’t give me that!” Lucius snapped, recovering his functions. Almost involuntarily, he pushed her away and quickened his pace. Mikhail was walking in a wobbly path that strayed further and further from the beach’s direction. He hurried over. “Mikhail. Y-you… you knew-“

“Yes. I did.” His voice was quiet and the guilt that was hanging all over him, in his tone and on his face and lowering his head, made it worse. “I wasn’t… quite sure, before. Remember when I wondered to have seen her before? It made me doubtful, but before coming into the forest, she pulled me aside and told me the truth.”

“Then why are you siding with her?” Lucius hissed, shaking Mikhail by the shoulder. The action stopped the boy and left him with a bewildered look in his red eyes. “Reyna has a huge-ass club, and it sure looks like she can use it. We could tell her and I’m sure Wila wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“She strikes me as the hit-and-run person, Lucius…” Tugging at his plaid collar, Mikhail raised an eyebrow. “I’m… not sure how useful running her out w-will be… D-do you think that we’d move location fast enough for her not to track us down and simply… slit our throats in sleep?” A shudder was born from saying that thought out loud.

Lucius scoffed. “We have alternating night watch for a reason.”

“A-and… everyone will stick together? All the time?” With an exasperated sigh Lucius did not approve of, the boy averted his eyes to watch the distant waves. Everyone seemed to be avoiding eye contact today. “Personally… I feel that the more allies, the better.”

“I like my allies a bit more trustworthy.” Lucius followed Mikhail’s line of sight and could see nothing more interesting than the conversation at hand. Except for maybe that mosquito, the fat little buzzing speck that hovered closer every moment. That deserved a careful watch. He was getting off topic. With a fierce blink, Lucius swiveled his glare back to Mikhail’s ear. “The consequences outweigh the positives, here, Mikhail!”

“Yes, but-“

“Why the heck am I the one arguing for this?” Placing his hand onto the head of white hair, Lucius forced Mikhail to face him. “One of her buddies killed a friend of yours and that-“ He used his thumb to point over his shoulder without actually looking for where Wila was or what face she had on- “is not the face of guilt.”

“I, I… can’t blame her for what a companion did,” Mikhail whispered. He graced Lucius with his focus, although the eyes were a little lower than Lucius would’ve liked. “That’d be… awfully hypocritical of me.”

Lucius paused in his assault. He had no idea what Mikhail was talking about. Again. From his experience, it was always important to have the facts established. Some background was due. “What do you mean by hypocritical? You’re not telling me something here.”

“Want my life story? It looks like you won’t be satisfied with anything less.” Now there was sarcasm coming from the boy. Quiet sarcasm, but still.

Either the teen had been struck with a rebellious phase out of the blue, or he had always smothered this attitude up with shyness. Lucius leaned over a bit more. Mikhail’s expression wasn’t much more than a granite mask. Uninviting, to say the least.

On one hand, Lucius didn’t like this new disrespect. On the other, he felt some responsibility for pushing the kid too far. Open mouth. Close mouth. What to say?

“What’s up?” Wila popped up behind the two and slung her arms around them, pulling the two closer to her. A strained grin adorned her face.  Lucius swore he could feel her breath on his ear. “Don’t leave me outta things, guys!”


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557 Reviews


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Sun Apr 17, 2016 9:51 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Haha I am such a great companion not really. Now then, let's get on with the review.

General Comments:

I knew something was off the first time I read this, but I think the other reviewers identified it. Wila's awkward disappearance from the conversation without any comment from Lucius made her reappearance too sudden.

I'm not sure how I feel about the number of fragments, but since you're consistent about using them, I can't complain too much. It still bothers me though, since purposeful grammatical errors are generally reserved for special occasions.

On the other hand, I'm noticing all the little descriptions slipped into action, and it's pretty great! Keep that up!

Specifics

Because those interrupting dashes are a special case, you probably didn't know this, so I will explain: Punctuation is always inside the quotation marks. Even if you have a word in quotations at the end of a phrase like "this," the punctuation stays inside the quotes. In fact, the one and only exception to this rule is used in non-fiction writing, when you quote and reference a page number in the MLA style.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items

1. This was a great section of exposition! You left just enough mystery and just enough answers to keep it interesting. And, of course, I knew Mikhail had secrets. I can see where he was about to go with that hypocrisy thing.

2. Lucius's commentary on the situation at hand is always fun. It actually kind of reminds me of Riordan's writing.

3. You are a mean person, Ender. You keep hanging Mikhail's history in front of us and then tugging it out of reach. Tsk tsk. (Okay but it's actually a smart tactic, so kudos to you.)

I think that's about it. Sorry if I'm not being helpful. You can probably tell it's been a while since I reviewed anything.

Until next time!
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


Wow, I sort of left this site temporarily. Sorry I wasn't able to reply earlier!

I'm glad you like Lucius's commentary. I always have fun coming up with his perspective.

And no, it's fine! I love to see your thoughts and any advice helps. See you!



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Wed Mar 23, 2016 8:31 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review. I apologize in advance if this winds up not being overly helpful because I haven't read previous parts.

Overall, this was quite good in terms of dialogue and character. It's clear you have an interesting cast interacting here, and that's definitely good.

Something I was confused about was where Wila was in relation to the rest of the group. At the end, when she slung her arms around their shoulders, I was confused as to why she did that and if she had been hearing the rest of their conversation.

I also didn't really understand why they were still referring to the boy as "the boy" when it seem like they've known him for a little while, though I'd guess that has been explained in a previous chapter.

In general, your pronouns get confusing sometimes, especially when they're talking about the girl who died and the one they're worried about (presumably the villain) and the one who told Mikhail "the truth" in the forest. I'm having difficulty telling who they're referring to in dialogue, and I suspect it's not just because I'm jumping in in the middle.

“Alright,” she repeated, and took a deep breath, “the friend before was real. The way we used her, though, wasn’t.

Okay. The first sentence makes sense. The second sentence doesn't at all. I think they mean that they were lying about her role to the others?

And that's all I've really got for you - I apologize this review was so short, but I'm crunched for time. Good luck with the rest of this!




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Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:04 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Ender! Niteowl again, for the last time, reviewing for the Sanguine Warriors this fine Review Day!

As I stated in my last review, I think the major revelation should be at the end of a chapter.

“I wasn’t… quite sure, before. Remember when I wondered to have seen her before? It made me doubtful, but before coming into the forest, she pulled me aside and told me the truth.”


Grammar correction on the sentence in italics. "Remember when I wondered if I'd seen her before?"

Okay, so I'm a little confused as to how Mikhail feels guilty in all this. If Wila's traveling buddy was responsible for her friend's death, what does he have to do with it. I suppose it's in that life story that has yet to be revealed.

I also assume that Wila has no direct responsibility in the death of this friend, because she said at the beginning she was there to kill for her mom and well, she's still here. So obviously someone killing this friend by proxy wasn't enough to bring her mom back. Or it was, but she's still stuck in the arena because of reasons that are yet to be explained?

Okay, so now that I've read everything you've posted, I'd like to offer some general opinions/what I'd like to see at some point.

1) The backstories of the other characters, especially Wila and Mikhail.
2) Lucius progressing to the point of being emotionally and physically able to kill someone. Or are you planning some way out of him having to actually kill?
3) Answers to questions I've laid in previous reviews, namely how do people get out of this world and does the voice come back into play.

Right now, I think you have some really strong characters, but the plot could be moving faster. I think the shortness of your chapters may be contributing to the plot feeling slow, though.

Once again, keep writing and feel free to let me know when new chapters are up (I signed up for Review Every Day so I'll need things to review)! :D





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— Plato