Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure


Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 20): Arguments, Again

by EnderFlash


Lucius’s head shot up so fast he had to take a moment to regain ocular focus. “You have a sister?” His mind wandered back to Arianna as he asked, and his hand flew up over his heart where the useless lighter remained. A curse bubbled up to his tongue, but he kept it in that weed-like corner of frustration in his mind. With all the recent events, he had nearly forgotten his purpose for coming here. It was hard to believe that a couple days could block out years of memories, but Lucius felt strangely detached from the normal world, and that included everyone from it. Even Arianna. This time, he did utter a rough phrase of self-condemnation.

Mikhail tilted his head, although Lucius wasn’t sure if it was to consider the question or if some anger had shown itself on Lucius’s features. Hopefully not the latter. “Eh,” Mikhail started, taking care to run his words through a filter, “y-yeah. Six years older.” He stopped to see if Wila or Lucius would take the conversation onto a different course. They didn’t, so he kicked the trunk with the side of his sneaker and continued. “Her n-name’s Veronika.”

“Veronica?” Lucius tried the word out and felt that he had terribly butchered it. It didn’t help that most people in his town had simple names and gave similar ones to their children. Arianna included, he thought, determined to involve his adopted sister as often as possible. Of course, he would never actually forget her.

The boy raised an eyebrow at the pronunciation, but shrugged as if he got that a lot. He got to his feet, shaking the branch a bit, and glanced upwards. Not much time could’ve passed since they entered the forest, but it was likely somewhere around noon and Claud would be less than pleased to find them gone. “Are we… done h-here?”

Wila set down a fierce “No” the same instant that Lucius nodded and said “Yes”. The two glared at each other and Lucius was glad for the few inches that let him glower down at Wila.

“Wila, can’t you go kill people alone?” Lucius snapped, irritation stomping on his fear of her. “Unlike you, I don’t constantly entertain the idea of stabbing someone and would rather just go back. Immediately.”

“First off, I don’t constantly want to murder someone, that’s ridiculous,” Wila started, just as annoyed. She screwed up her mouth into a dry smile. “And for all that you say that, I’m sure you somewhat agree.”

“Ah?” Lucius was taken back by her response. He had expected vehement orders to continuing searching, or at the very least an argument. A part of him screamed to stop where this conversation was heading. The curious part of him, fueled by a dragging anger, won over. “What do you mean?”

“Luc, there’s a reason we’re all in this place,” she said. A dramatic hand gesture in the air. “It’s because all of us want something. We all want something enough that the voice brought us here to let us steal it from each other. Now, I don’t know what you want. I don’t need to nor want to know. But I do know that you have that urge inside you, no matter how deeply embedded it may be, and it must be particularly strong if, out of seven billion people, you were one of those chosen.” Wila began to pace back and forth. “I’ll tell you right now that I need some lives brought back, and I’m not afraid to act on my reason for coming here. So what do you want?”

Lucius was speechless. He ran his thumb over the dented corner of the lighter, almost as a reminder for his brain. Arianna, he told himself, but he didn’t say that. There was no way he could kill someone… but it would bring Arianna’s family back. She could have a good life. Not necessarily normal, since Lucius doubted his power to change her social status, but a life with both parents. Maybe she would even get a sibling. His indecision scared him. Was he really considering murder?

Wila saw his contemplation and chuckled. “You don’t have to think it over extensively now. Like I said, I don’t want to know. It’s just food for thought.” She shrugged and kicked a patch of dirt, sending the earth flying. “Well, it was also to show my side of the things.”

“… Wila.” Mikhail’s tone was disapproving and his tensed frame expressed the same. Sliding down the tree, he raised his hand and paused as if to put it on Lucius’s shoulder. Instead, he plucked a leaf from his hair and let the breeze whap it onto another trunk. “Th-there’s not need to go… into that.”

“Mikhail, it’s fine,” Lucius said. His words came out a little shaky. He grinded his teeth and spoke again. “Thanks for that enlightening speech, Wila. I still want to go.”

“Yeah, didn’t expect it to change your mind.”



Mikhail looked between the two of them, a grimace forming. He settled for stepping back and letting them figure it out. In the meantime, the boy kept himself busy by inspecting the grass around him, which was as lush as a balding man’s head. The patch around him was dying, it seemed.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:08 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hello again! Another Green Room review from Niteowl for the Sanguine Warriors! :D

I agree that Veronica doesn't seem super hard to pronounce. It's also Latin-based, so it doesn't really go with the Russian-based Mikhail, but that may not be super important.

I agree with Buggie that I'm glad the plot has come back to why they're there in the first place.

The logistics of this sudden sword attack are kind of confusing to me. So Lucius is on a tree, and a man somehow ends up on that same tree, but then disappears onto other trees quickly enough that there's no need to attack back. This seems strange. Trees are hard to climb and get through, and swords are very heavy. Even if Lucius is on the ground (which he might be, I can't really tell), this whole thing sounds almost impossible. Then again, I've never been the best at following action scenes.

Mikhail looked between the two of them. A grimace formed.


The second sentence seems off because it's unclear who's grimacing. I can kind of assume it's Mikhail but I'm not really sure. I think this would be smoother as "Mikhail looked between the two of them, grimacing."

Overall, I think the main highlight of this chapter is Lucius remembering his goal and perhaps preparing to kill for what he wants. Looking forward to the next chapter. Keep writing! :)




EnderFlash says...


I'll take that name-origin thing into account when rewriting. I do believe I found it on the same baby-name-chart page as Mikhail, though...

mmMMMM I'm considering cutting the sword part out. Looking back, it... yeah... really doesn't fit.



User avatar
442 Reviews


Points: 14670
Reviews: 442

Donate
Wed Dec 30, 2015 12:38 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! Let's get this review day off to a strong start, shall we?

General Comments:

Sometimes the objects of your sentences aren't clear, but that's not an issue I know how to fix by any method other than close rereading. Sorry I can't be more helpful on this one.

Details:

1. You have a typo in the fifth-to-last paragraph.

2. The sudden change to Mikhail's perspective at the end caught me off guard. Until now you haven't done any perspective changes within chapters, so it was a bit odd.

3. I liked the simile about a balding man's head. It had the perfect amount of dry humor, even if it wasn't a conclusive chapter ending.

[/b]Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:[/b]

1. I am not sure about the name 'Veronika' being very easy to butcher. In fact, I'd consider Arianna to be more unusual, especially since everyone is speaking the same language, and you've never mentioned Mikhail having any kind of accent that might change the pronunciation of his sister's name.

2. Thank you for the reminder of Lucius's goal!

And that's it for this chapter. I aim to catch up on reviews by the end of the day, so onto the next part! Happy Review Day!
-Buggie





Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk