z

Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 21): Can't Hear While You Drown (In Thoughts)

by EnderFlash


Lucius had never wanted to punch someone in the face more than currently with Wila. It wasn’t worth a knife to the gut, though, so he refrained. “First you show us knives, then you don’t inform me about danger until the last second. I’d appreciate it very much if you walked off right now. That way.” He gestured to a random direction.

“Luc, you gotta believe me when I say I don’t mean you guys any harm.” Wila held her hands out, palms facing upwards. In Lucius’s opinion, it was pitiful offer of peace. “Besides, isn’t it really cool to have a badass knife-wielding teenager on your team?”

“Not when said teenager is not loyal,” Lucius replied. He ran a hand through his hair, leaving his bangs bent backwards despite the slight comfort it had given his forehead. The cool temperature was bearable now. “What’d you think Claud would say?”

Wila’s amused façade crumpled and her lips drew tight. She eyed him to see if he was joking. He wasn’t. She shifted her weight onto her right leg. “He won’t say anything if you don’t word it like that.”

“How else could I put it?” Lucius let the corner of his mouth lift into a smirk, knowing that he held the upper hand. Having a goblet to swish in front of her face like an aristocrat or even king would feel great right now. “You don’t seriously think I’m going to keep this from him?”

The girl rubbed her fingers against each other. She had pulled back her sleeves after revealing her knives, and Lucius noticed the white lines and scabs of cuts lining her hands and the visible parts of her arms. It didn’t look like she was very skilled with those blades. “… C’mon, have some pity? Someone as young as me wandering around alone would be bad-“

“For you.”

“Yes. For me.” Wila managed an exasperated roll of the eyes. “And hey, I’m not the best with these weapons. Surely you can overpower me if it comes down to it. Mikhail’s here, too.”

“You were the one telling me how much I sucked at fighting, and even if I was a karate master, I can’t do anything about it in my sleep.” Lucius crossed his arm and relished the chance to throw her words back at her. His knuckle bumped against the lighter and he was reminded of the assassination attempt that had taken place not too long ago. The things he could forget were amazing. While Wila struggled to come up with a convincing point, he twisted his head to scan the surroundings. There was nothing but rows of trees and bushes, none of which dense enough to hide a person wearing anything short of army camouflage. It could not be said that he didn’t learn from before, because he checked the screen of branches overhead for opponents as well. Not even a bird resided, which Lucius found a little strange. That is, the part about no birds. He was more than relieved to find no people.

Mikhail had sat down at some point and was peeling bark off of a tree, body slouched and legs crossed. His face was turned away. Lucius made a mental reminder to apologize to him later for excluding him. Then, he remembered the private conversation between Mikhail and Wila earlier. Never mind, Lucius thought, not petty at all. Nope.

“Hello?” Wila waved her hand inches from his nose, bringing his attention back to her. Her face was still pale, but a pout sat on her face. One hand resting on her hip, she pointed to herself. “We were talking about my fate? Life and death, you know?”

“I doubt it’s that serious,” Lucius grumbled. Thinking about it, it probably was. They had encountered two attacks in such a short time span, and a lone target like Wila would attract even more. Even she was more skilled with the knives that she claimed, she would be overcome rather quickly. Lucius blinked. Wait, he was sympathizing with her. He hit himself on the head, ignoring Wila’s confusion, and frowned. This was his own life he was risking. Furthermore, he hadn’t accomplished anything yet… Now he was considering murder again. What would Arianna say? For all that he said when  joining the group, he hadn't thought the prospect through, and things suddenly felt a lot more difficult once he had.

His sister would scold him. Tell him not to drag others into their situation. She would beat her hands on his chest and prod his cheeks until he agreed to her pacifistic demands with a sigh. If she were here, she’d take along Wila quicker than a hummingbird could flap its wings.

But she’s not here, Lucius told himself. He was doing this for her and would go to lengths a child’s mind could not comprehend. What mattered here was not what she would want him to do, but what he knew would help her. If the voice was correct, then Arianna would not remember him anyway.That twisted his heart like clay in a convoluted manner that the greatest poets could not express, but rationality proved it right. It was the right path, the right decision, through and through.

“Luc! Stop forgetting about me!”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1274 Reviews


Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:22 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Ender! Niteowl again with the Sanguine Warriors.

Just a couple nitpicks.

Lucius had never wanted to punch someone in the face more than he did currently with Wila.


Even if she was more skilled with the knives that she claimed, she would be overcome rather quickly.


He was doing this for her and would go to lengths a child’s mind could not comprehend.


Wait, how old is Arianna again? If I've been following this correctly, she's an older teenager at this point, while Lucius is in his early twenties (not all that much older). In the "special chapter", she was seven and he was thirteen, but I feel like a lot of time has passed since then. Speaking of that "special chapter", I wonder if there isn't a better way to get that information into the story itself (conversations, flashbacks, etc.), but perhaps that would be better to reexamine once you have a complete draft.

“Luc! Stop forgetting about me!”


Is this supposed to be Arianna speaking? If so, I would have it more as a thought in italics, since she's not literally speaking in the story.

Overall, I feel like I'm constantly left interested enough to know what happens next, but your chapters are so short that not a lot happens in each chapter. Again, though, I'm thinking the chapter length is something you can think about more once the story is finished.

Keep writing! :)




EnderFlash says...


Yeah, I'll have to figure out a way to work it into the story better. Probably through conversations, since his first meeting with Arianna isn't crucial to the plot and I'm not a huge fan of flashbacks.

Lucius still views Arianna as a kid he has to protect, even after so long, since she can't do a lot with all her handicaps.

Finally, I see what you mean with the chapter lengths. I might buffer and then combine multiple 'chapters' into one longer one, if that makes things easier.



niteowl says...


Yeah I think that the shorter chapters do make for easier reading on here, so maybe it's best to keep going with that for now.

And I actually do think his meeting with Arianna is an important part of the plot, b



niteowl says...


because if he hadn't, he wouldn't be in the arena in the first place. Just food for thought.



EnderFlash says...


Hm. I'll eat it along with my last egg tart.

...


sorrynotsorry



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:18 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello again! Let's cut straight to the chase, cool?

General Comments:

1. Explanations are always best-served with the occasional interjection. Good job.

2. There are a couple of typos/awkward wordings/tense-switches in here (as in, enough that I feel I should comment). Another read-through should do the trick, especially now that you've had a week to let all this writing stew.

Details:

Nothing really stood out. The bit about goblet-swishing was amusing though.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. As exciting as it is to have a number of plots swirling around at once, it's remarkably difficult to keep them all in line. (And I have troubles with this sort of thing as well, so no shame to you!) Having a reminder about why Lucius is in this odd world in the first place is stellar, but it's an overarching goal, not the immediate problem. Rather than dwell mostly on Arianna, she should stay a lingering thought until other problems are solved (or are about to be solved). Remember that the disappearing bodies and Chris's unusual knowledge should be kept in mind as well.

Besides, getting back Arianna's parents can wait. All Lucius needs to do is survive to finish the job.

2. Is that foreshadowing for the moral lesson of the story I see at the end of this chapter? A++, Ender.

I shall end this review here. The way things stand, it looks like I'll be done catching up by the end of today! Ciao for now.
-Buggie




User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 2832
Reviews: 93

Donate
Wed Dec 23, 2015 5:46 am
~Volant~ wrote a review...



Ooh, boy, was this fun! I don't know a ton about the story, as this is the first I've read of it. I'm going to start reading from the beginning though. I'm interested!

I love how you've written the tension. I love watching it build and evolve. You have a really good pull on your reader!

This is a nitpick, but for the sake of story flow, I don't know if this is the best place for a chapter break. There's been great story progress in this chapter, but there hasn't been any variance. The tension has only gone up. Personally, I've found the best chapter breaks come after a question has been raised. Then in the next chapter, any previous question is answered and a new one raised. So on and so forth until everything ties up nicely in the end. In this story's case, "Q:will he let her in? A: Yes. Oh, shoot, but that means...!! Q: Is she going to betray them?" And it's those questions that are going to keep me going while still feeling satisfied at the end of a good chapter.

I think what best contributed to your tension was all his thoughts and Wila's demanding interruptions. They're both passionate and very invested, and that gets me invested. I didn't find myself skipping anything, because I really wanted to know what he was going to decide.

One thing I'd look out for is the "talking heads" problem. I don't know what you'd call it in writing, but in storyboards and comics, a common mistake is to simply cut back and forth between the two characters who are talking. I kinda feel that same way here. Maybe it's too short and I haven't seen enough of what comes before or after, but I would find a way to utilize the setting even more. I'd also utilize their mannerisms. It's more than just doing things that support the dialogue (like showing her cut arms), people have body language when they communicate. Especially when they're so emotional. Gestures, stances, and other moves become really important.

I'm excited to read more. ^^ I really like your writing style.




EnderFlash says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad to see that you enjoyed this chapter, and I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind, since more of this type of stuff will definitely be present. Also, happy holidays!




Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook