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Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 12): A Wild Encounter

by EnderFlash


This is why people don’t procrastinate… BUT I’M STILL DOING IT

Also why can’t we edit forum posts idk so sad

===

By the time Lucius and the group even started walking, the sky was transforming into a neon orange streaked with yellow. Either they had lost track of time rather easily, or time was just as messed up as the terrain in this place. Both seemed plausible.

With a sigh, Lucius caught up to Claud. Ever since Ari had come to live with him, he wasn’t used to extended silence. “So.”

Claud didn’t turn his head, but he made a sound to show that he had heard and was waiting for Lucius to continue.

Struggling to put together the basis for a conversation, Lucius used the first thing that came to mind. “When’d your crush on Reyna start?”

Claud gave him a flat stare, his expression a little too disbelieving to be natural. "What?" Then, he gave Lucius a shove that hurt a little more than he probably intended.

“Ouch, jeez." Time for a topic change. “Then-“

“Shush.” Chris appeared between them, irritation a rather fitting expression on him. “Can’t you hear the ruckus? You’ll get us caught.”

Lucius was going to question that, but he chose the smarter option of listening for what Chris mentioned. At first, there didn’t seem to be anything other than the chatter of birds and their footsteps, but a few moments of focus revealed distant shouts. Human voices, which were getting louder and therefore closer with every second.

Really, though, it shouldn’t have been too surprising. With such a broad entrance requirement, it would be easy to expect a person to pop out of a door every couple seconds. Lucius wasn’t quite sure why the arena wasn’t full of people. Perhaps too much blood was shed and bodies vanished to fully populate the area.

For a man that was facing an unknown number of likely assailants, Lucius didn’t feel nearly as scared as he felt he should. Yes, there was panic, and definitely worry, but there wasn’t any heart-dropping, pulse-quickening emotions. He was even a little disappointed by that. “What do we do about them?” This he spoke in a soft tone.

“Um,” Mikhail said. He had been forgotten. “W-we can just avoid them… r-right?” He was already glancing to the side, as if ready to take off as soon as he got the okay.

“Absolutely not,” Claud answered for Lucius and Chris, although neither seemed to agree with him. “The other two are still in here. There only seems to be a couple people, anyways.”

The voices became more prominent, and Lucius could make out the words, now. Something about dinner and… chicken? “A couple. You do know that there’s only four of us right now, right? And, I don’t know about you people, but I’m not exactly an experienced fighter. Read: I have no idea how to do anything other than run away.”

“Who’s there?!” They had been heard. Darn, Lucius had really thought that he lowered his voice enough.

None of them, however, said anything. It was too late to run, since the strangers would definitely search for them and eventually come across one of them. They settled in a waiting silence, standing still for the newcomers to see them.

The two groups spotted eachother long before faces could become distinguished, but the strangers didn't stop until they were standing a couple feet from Lucius. Two males and two women, all looking to be in their twenties, although the exact ages definitely varied.

The one in the front was a narrow-eyed man, thin but tall enough to look intimidating. He glanced over Lucius’s group, just as unsure as them as to how to act. “… Are you friendly?” The voice was surprisingly deep, and on the scratchy side.

Of course, Claud was the one to speak. “Are you?” Despite insisting not to run, he at least did not trust the strangers.

“Of course.” The other man, despite his words of reassurance, did not make any move to come closer nor to let down his guard. The people on his side remained the same as well. “What are you doing here?”

“Nothing,” Claud answered, obviously not mentioning the corpse from before. “We were just passing. If you don’t mind, we’ll be continuing on our way.” Just like the apparent-leader of the strangers, Claud’s stillness contrasted his words.

The narrow-eyed man turned to look at his group. A brown-haired woman nodded, and the man refocused his eyes on Claud. “Go ahead.” He stepped aside, the rest of his group following.

Was it really that easy? Lucius sent Claud a nervous gaze, but the older man didn’t even turn to look at him. Shuffling a bit closer to Mikhail, Lucius took a hesitant step. His eyes remained on the strangers since a bad feeling tugged at his mind.

Mikhail, the one closest to the end, walked a little faster. Clearly, he felt the same way as Lucius.

Chris twisted his head to look at Lucius and Mikhail, before his eyes widened. His mouth opened a little to shout something, but his body moved even faster and he pushed Lucius aside, sending him stumbling.

The narrow-eyed stranger had tried to club Lucius with a stick -where had he been holding it?-, the swing making a large swishing noise. Cursing when he realized that he had missed and lost his advantage, he took a step backwards and readied his stick, in case Lucius tried to retaliate. His companions also took stances, whether with similar branches, or just their bare fists. One short man even had an axe, somehow.

“Damn it,” Claud muttered, unhappy with this turn of events. It, while unsurprising, was something that he had hoped would be avoided for once. He didn’t even try to negotiate with the attackers- whatever they wanted, it would only be gained by taking it from them.

Lucius growled. "Why can't we encounter some random strangers who are actually normal people and don't try to beat the crap out of you?"


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Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:06 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo! I've not read any previous parts so if I say anything you feel you've covered in an earlier chapter, please feel free to ignore me!

Specifics

1.

By the time Lucius and the group even started walking, the sky was transforming into a neon orange streaked with yellow.
This sentence is snappier without even' in it and the word doesn't add anything to what you're saying. There's a small group of filler words like this to watch out for - just and very being another two - which are often good in dialogue but not in general prose. They slow down your pace and don't say anything new. They actually take away from the emphasis which they are there to create.

2.
“Shush.” Chris appeared between them, irritation a rather fitting expression on him. “Can’t you hear the ruckus? You’ll get us caught.”
The phrase 'irritation a rather fitting expression' means nothing to your readers as you haven't explained why. What makes his features work so well with irritation? Is it the way his large, dark brows furrow or does he have a scar and therefore the frown makes him look menacing? Try to describe some part of his face so we can picture him rather than telling us that he looks good irritated.

3.
For a man that was facing an unknown number of likely assailants, Lucius didn’t feel nearly as scared as he felt he should. Yes, there was panic, and definitely worry, but there wasn’t weren't any heart-dropping, pulse-quickening emotions.


4.
“Um,” Mikhail said. He had been forgotten. “W-we can just avoid them… r-right?” He was already glancing to the side, as if ready to take off as soon as he got the okay.
This sentence feels weird because it's almost like the writer speaking to the reader and being like oh yeah, I forgot this guy was here too, better make him say something. Maybe describe the main character turning in surprise as he realises Mikhail is still with them or something if he really is a forgettable character. Show us he was forgotten rather than telling us.

Overall

This was a fun read! I think the confrontation at the end was well described and exciting and the dialogue had a great sensation of being strained and wary. The earlier part of the chapter dragged a bit and it felt like filler dialogue so maybe look at shortening that or giving it more meaning - have them talk about something of significance instead of whether the area is safe or not. That can be covered in a couple of lines.

I wouldn't mind more description of the arena as well but since they've been here a chapter or two already you've probably covered that in the last part. If not, maybe something to think about.

The character of Mikhail could also use some more lines and actions because at the moment the only sense of him I have is that he's quiet but the group don't choose to launch the surprise attack on him despite him being at the back of the group? So either they see him as being insignificant and want to take one of the bigger guys out or the main character looks weak and easy to pick off? I don't know. But some more dialogue around who would do what in a fight when they're discussing whether to run or not would help with that. Maybe Mikhail can say 'I couldn't hit anyone' or he can claim that he could take on someone twice his size?

Best of luck with this!

~Heather




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Tue Oct 20, 2015 11:03 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hey! I know I'm doing this a bit out of order, but I did read everything in order, so don't you worry.

Anyways, I am officially restructuring my reviews, because I'm getting to the point where most of my advice is just really nitpicky detail-stuff, so bear with me for the adjustment period, please.

General Comments:

1. You are starting to fall into a habit of using a lot of state-of-being verbs and verbs with rather vague actions. This showed up in Chapter 11 as well, though not as obviously. It takes time to develop verb-usage skills, so stay vigilant!

2. I am all for breaking the rules of grammar, but please only do it for a purpose. There were a few too many instances of extra commas and sentence fragments in this chapter.

Details:

1. Lucius's dialogue is fantastic. I love those smart-alecky lines, even if I probably wouldn't love them so much in real life.

2. Paragraph 16: I appreciate the use of shapes and personification, but I think this excerpt could use a little more foreshadowing/drama. Instead of 'squares' you might pick a more ominous noun. The fragment at the end also sort of kills the mood.

3. Paragraphs 18 and 19 both begin with 'of course,' which is kind of weird. It's okay to do this with nouns, usually, but not with filler-phrases.

Plot, Characters, and Misc. Items:

1. I feel that Lucius's harsh upbringing would have trained him for a brawl at least. I know he's no fighter, but he should be confident that he can take care of himself. Even if he's well-versed in the art of dodging attacks, that's something.

2. More people... I hope you introduce the main antagonist soon (though you don't have to tell us that he or she is the antagonist). Reveals are always more dramatic if the bad guy is someone close to the protagonist.

3. The ending is cute (in like, a oh-that's-going-to-be-fun kind of way, not the dictionary definition).

Anyways, that's it for this chapter! Onto 11!
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


About your Misc. 1... Lucius is poor, but you can't really call his home a bad neighborhood. I've never had a good grasp on this, though. I mean... we can have a poor place with relatively friendly people, right?



Ventomology says...


Well, I suppose. Maybe I just interpreted some details the wrong way.




This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer