Hey, I really appreciate the length of this. It made it easier to review more in depth because I didn't have to shuffle through an entire huge chapter to get out everything I want to say.
That being said, I really like your style. You're a good writer, you just have to wrap this up really. There are a few things you could add, like emotional content. I think you're sort of lacking in that, but I love how active your voice is.
That was saying something.
I feel like if that was supposed to be saying something, we'd already know that because we're 25 chapters in, but if you want to exaggerate that point, then use a different phrase so that it's more interesting and worth reading that sentence. Try something like "During the walk there we'd run into a couple of pigs trying to continue the species and had to listen to them for five miles, and this was worse."
If you even made it a metaphor about how awkward it was, that would be better and more supplemental to the story at large.
Lucius pushed down some gnawing emotions that most definitely were not guilt or doubt.
Okay, if Lucius was pushing down some gnawing emotion, then describe the emotion for us. This might not be a poem, but it is a piece of fiction, so give us the physical sensations he's dismissing. Explore the description of fear as heavy sooner.
He wasn’t too surprised when Mikhail kept pace with him, but it made him wonder exactly how Mikhail’s physique was.
This line is awkward because of the use of physique instead of fitness which is really what he's wondering. The two words have different environments they show up in so it's throwing me off. I keep expecting it to be physical.
Now that they were running, the white-yellow fields seemed to shrink. The ground flew by beneath their shoes and the gray waters of the ocean peeked from behind approaching boulders.
Good lord! How far away did this woman get? That's a lot of description for just catching up to someone they were just seeing.
He shot an envious glare was shot at Mikhail, who hopped down, gave Lucius a shrug, and ran for the base.
You stopped writing this in the middle and messed up the sentence. It's either "He shot an envious glare at Mikhail" OR "An envious glare was shot at Mikhail"
Personally I think shooting things at people shouldn't really be done. It's more active voice to just say "He glared enviously at" than all those extra words.
Overall this is really well written. I like your style, Just cut out the extraneous things. Maybe try to infuse some emotion when you re-read and edit this. Just add in more gripping lines that focus on the emotional struggles this person's going through. That's really really up to you though.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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