The car wheels align with a potholed track
and loose pebbles ricochet like sparks.
On our summer journey around jolting corners
signs flash by like blinking lights on an empty pier.
You appear on one and
I am blinded.
-
A stop at the petrol station,
to refill the burnt up void of energy.
Outside there are bouquets on sale
And amidst the caskets of dying flowers,
I spot a rose still perfectly intact,
And laced with claw like thorns.
-
Our drive is pulling to a close
and I stop at the side of the lonely motorway
under the dull glow of a swaying streetlamp.
I pull out a tattered road map,
but the messy lines are blurred in the darkness.
So I light a match,
-
And watch as it slowly burns to a stump.
You are the thin trail of smoke.
My dusty eyes briefly captivated by
the suggestion of a flame left behind.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
Hi there! I'm alliyah, here for a quick Review Day review! So, let's get started.
First off, I liked the movement in this poem, as a reader you get to move along from line to line and it feel like there's a lot happening even thought you're mostly just setting one setting. It hooks my attention.
I have some confusion in the first stanza, and I think some of it might be cleaned up by more consistent punctuation and capitalization. There should be a comma at the end of this line: "On our summer journey around jolting corners"
and then in these lines a couple lines down:
I'm not sure what ''one" is referring to, it might be the "signs" from the line above, but it's unclear -- you might want to specify so that readers don't wonder.
In stanza two it's a bit distracting that suddenly "And" is capitalized at line breaks even though it wasn't in stanza one. For me it doesn't matter one way or another, but it should be consistent so that readers don't try to find some hidden meaning from the different capitalization choices there.
In this line: "And laced with claw like thorns." it should be "claw-like".
In the last two stanzas I'm completely confused as the speaker burns the map, what's the purpose, what was the point, what's happening next? You paint a beautiful image but I am left wondering what I should take away from it. I'm guessing there's some underlying metaphor here, but for me it's still a bit too vague. Not every poem "needs" a point, although I think readers do generally look for one, so you might want to play around a bit more with that. I liked the emotion and the drama of the piece, it just felt a bit confusing and stilted at the end for me -- like there was another stanza missing.
Overall, very nice job, and I'll look forward to reading more of your pieces in the future! Please do let me know if you have any questions or would like feedback on anything else more specifically, I'd be happy to help!
Best,
~alliyah
Hello, thought I'd stop by for a review.
To start things off, the very first line of the beginning stanza sounds sort of...off. You're describing the car as a car, like it doesn't have much significance in this. I'd suggest changing a to the.
Secondly, on the third line of the first stanza, I believe the word turbulent should be removed. It doesn't really have much significance in this sentence. The word jolting takes the cake in it, it is more interesting and more eye-catching for me.
Overall, this was a solid poem. I liked the emotions that spoke through the words from beginning to end. However, some words can be removed from the work, because in poetry, less is more. Also, in the description, you say that it isn't a love story, although it was catergorizied as romantic. I thought that was kinda funny.
I hope this was helpful.
-gxldencrxwns
Hey there, thought I'd take a look at this
This would be a stronger opening if you made it 'The car wheels align with a potholed track' because it flows better but also because it's more definitive and it makes the car more important. When it's 'a' car then it could be any car and that's a bit harder to focus on.Specifics
1.
2. This line is a little bulky - both turbulent and jolting give it that effect so I think you need to remove at least one of them. I think turbulent is the least interesting and you could be more metaphorical instead. Like 'On our Crash Bandicoot course around jolting corners' or 'On our cartwheel course around catapult corners' might be fun for some alliteration.
3.
The flow here could be tightened. You're sometimes a little too wordy and I'm not very good at explaining what I mean when I say the flow sounds off so I'll try to show you how I'd re-write it instead and maybe that will help:
signs flash by like blinking lights on an empty pier
and as you appear,
all else fades away.
I'm not sure I like the pier/ appear but if it feels less accidental it works better?
4. I think remove this line. We all know roses have thorns and it doesn't seem to add anything extra to the stanza, which otherwise flowed really beautifully.
Overall
I love the last two stanzas, though I don't understand why the speaker burns the map. I'm wondering if they took this roadtrip after losing the 'you' in the poem but are having trouble forgetting them and the map is left over from a past roadtrip with that person? Then again, buying the rose seems to suggest that person is on this trip with them. It doesn't matter if it's one hundred percent clear or not though and it's actually nice that there are a few different interpretations here.
I think the language could be stronger in a few places, mostly the earlier stanzas, but there's a good sense of emotion and the driving/ journey theme is carried through from the start to the end. I feel I'd like to understand just a little more about what the road trip is for/ why they bun the map but I kind of like the chaotic-ness of it at the same time since that's kind of reflected in the fast-paced driving.
Sorry I wasn't much help but hopefully that give you a few things to think about and please feel free to ask if you have any questions.
All the best,
~Heather
This is an amazing poem! I haven't honestly read something like this in at least four years! It makes me feel almost like I've just suffered a loss of sorts. Keep up the good work!