I stand bravely at the top if the hill,
Pushing forward with silver poles.
I shove past everyone,
Wind streaking past my cheeks.
Turning them from tan to red,
The white powder turning to blue.
My heart beating so loud I think they can hear it,
A strange wild feeling in my chest.
I start to slowly ski downward,
Powder flying through the air.
I jump into the sky angry and happy at once,
Spinning into nothingness.
The world fading into a blur,
Joy becoming part of me.
My heart burning with the pride,
My coldness melting away.
I lean from left to right,
Picking up momentum at once.
The skis become part of me,
Like I was born to do this, just this.
I race down at alarming speeds,
Shooting past people and watching them fade into nothing.
I soak in the power,
Letting it drench me in it's glory.
Risking everything for nothing,
Because adrenalin is taking over.
Let your pain be handed over,
To the mountains and the landscape.
Let them take care of your problems,
Why don't you just relax?
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hi there! (again)
I don't want to say this is much better because the original was good too, but this is great! I'm impressed that you went back and edited it!
Here's one little spelling error, which is probably just a typo:
This part is really great. You have good description here, really showing the reader exactly how you feel. I especially like the last two lines that I underlined. It's pretty cool how you told us what was happening and then told us why it was happening. People might think, well, why would you risk everything like that? and then you respond, it's not really me, I'm running totally off of adrenaline! Yeah, that part is cool.
Overall I enjoyed reading both your original and this version. In this one (the edited version), you did a good job keeping some lines from the original and adding in something new. Good job!
Keep writing!
Hi! This is a very nice poem! I have never been skiing/snowboarding, but this takes me there and makes me feel it.
As for corrections, I don't see anything that Noelle didn't already cover.
Keep writing!
Sage
Hi there!
My corrections/comments are in purple below:
Overall I really like this poem. You did a good job expressing your feelings in this, rather than just describing your ride down the track. I like your imagery and this flows well. Feel free to ignore what I corrected. I just went through and fixed anything that I thought sounded
weird or out of placeawkward to the reader.Keep writing!