A blank page freshly turned,
I am on the precipice –
My boneless wings shake
scorching with anticipation or fright;
a silent preparation for
fall or flight.
My eyes, barely adjusted
to their new light,
drawn into the darkness
unable to see
washed out and consumed by
the blinding,
overwhelming bright.
Dusty feet trace over old footprints
moulded comfortably
they could walk these steps forever,
the back of my own garden
covered with tattoos:
circles, loops, infinitely.
I crave the fear,
hungry for what might.
It gives my steps a purpose
a wrong and a right.
a bold sole steps off the track,
a challenge to be followed
by it’s own winding trail of left and right.
Comfort is smothered breaths now
it’s a page filled with the same word
over
and over
and over again.
My aching eyes need anything else,
anything but white.
My paper wings
are impossible.
And the clock is pushing me now,
with dizzying hands,
a sharp shove
and I am
suspended,
airborne,
free.
At first I wasn't really grasping what was supposed to be conveyed, however, after rereading a second and third time it's a beautiful piece of poetry, one particular line stood out for me "a silent preparation for fall or flight". It conveys emotion in a skilled way, nevertheless, some of the lines seem slightly forced or misplaced. However, if these are sorted will leave a wonderful piece of work, and a truly emotive piece.
HI,
Nice poetry. Nice vision. A great poem. I chose poem of my choice and I know I chose a good poem. When I read it I felt every line, every word of your poem. Wow, what an angelic piece of work! I read it twice. I liked it so much. Right from the beginning I was sure that This poem has lot of secrets to reveal and it did exactly same. I was happy while reading. Reading someone else feelings in words, is a great thing. I love it.
"My eyes, barely adjusted
to their new light,
drawn into the darkness
unable to see
washed out and consumed by
the blinding,
overwhelming bright."
This is my favorite part. I love it.
I read this part many times while reading your poem. It has something positive in it. It reminded me of Walt whitman poem.
NIce good work. keeep it up.
Wow, I liked the ending. The whole time I was imagining a paper you were going to write on or draw on, but the kite! That was awesome how, well at least for me, it appeared to be one thing then at the end it wasn't. I really like a lot of the imagery.
Maybe you're like me and kinda wish people would critize you at least a little so you can improve and be better next time, so I'll try to help you do that. Maybe some how explain the darkness, I don't really understand what that is with the kite, you know? Well you don't know because the whole story is in your head.
Overall, the writing is amazing. Your use of words help the reader get a full picture of what is going on in the poem.
But, some of the rhymes don't seem natural. A couple seem a bit forced. I would suggest using different words that help the flow going.
Besides that, I really like it. Make sure to keep writing, you have talent!
Hi EnchantedPanda! Becca here for a quick review.
Overall, I really liked this poem. I thought you had some beautiful images and used evocative language. My main concern I see that the rhyme scheme seemed a bit forced at times.
I thought you opened with really strong lines/images with, "a blank page...wings shake." I also really liked, "tingling feet...moulded comfortably."
In terms of the rhyme scheme, it felt more forced the longer the poem went on. The last set of "bite," "quite," and "kite" felt especially forced.
What I'd love to see from this poem is reworking it without the rhyme scheme. Once you're no longer constrained by it, what would you rather say? What images could you provide us? Obviously your call as the writer.
Keep writing!
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