"Ahem," Stormcloud cleared her throat, making her presence known. She stood tall next to Bluejay, who stood tall as well. Both had the most serious faces you could imagine.
"Could we go to the meeting headquarters, please?" Bluejay said after all cats were facing them and listening. "I'm afraid we have some important - and grim - news for you. And it's got to be dealt with fast."
The cats padded after Stormcloud and Bluejay, all the way back to the headquarters.
The leader, Hawkscreech, sat down in his usual place: On top of the highest dumpster. The two cats, because they were the ones with the message, were given permission to sit next to him. "You may begin your message - er, warning, I suppose," Hawkscreech said, his voice adding to the grim feeling around the alley.
Stormcloud cleared her throat again, to indicate she would start. "Last night, we were given a dream - more of an omen. Both Bluejay and I had it, so we knew we had to be connected. And the dream told us how. The dream began with me sitting in the forest. A clearing, to be exact. It seemed normal at first. But then, there was a flash of light, and a line of three cats appeared," Stormcloud explained. "They were not tattered. They seemed to be made out of lace, that beautiful human clothing material we have stolen sometimes for bedding. They introduced themselves. The first was a white female, who said her name was Angel Feather. She said it as two words, unlike we do, so I knew they were not from our past. The second was a completely black tom whose name, he said, was Dark As Night. This time it was three words. And the last was a reddish female whose name was Fire, only one word."
Bluejay took over and said, "Angel Feather spoke first. She said, in an echoing voice, 'You must be careful. Your world will soon be destroyed faster than it came. You must beware.' And with that, Angel Feather faded away. Before I could speak, Dark As Night said, 'Angel Feather is correct. The Humans plan to take over the land. They will begin with trapping you, move on to poisoning you, and then you will dream nightmares for eternity.' His voice scared me into silence before I could even meow. And Dark As Night then faded as well. Fire spoke now, in a gentler voice than the other two, which was surprising given her name and harsh appearance. She spoke, 'The others have warned you well. The humans plan to banish you from their land, and they want you all to perish. They never want to see stray cats again. You and Stormcloud, you must be the leaders. Lead your Stray Corporation out of the city and into the unknown by Friday, or you shall have no hope of ever living again.' 'Wait!' I had said, but Fire faded too quickly."
Stormcloud began again, "Yes. I got the same message from them. We need to lead you all out of here and into safer grounds by Friday. It is Wednesday. We wanted to warn you sooner, but we could not. If you don't believe and trust us, you will see for yourself what dangers they brought. We have seen them, for they showed us in the dream. After all three cats had faded away, something else faded: me. I was taken to the city, this very city. But instead of the hazy cars driving by and humans strolling around, there was peril and trouble surrounding me. Humans shoved cats into cages. They filled the cages with a white gas, like clouds. It covered the cats beyond seeing through. Once it cleared out of the cage, the cat was on its side, never to wake up again. And it felt so strange, for the gas left no mark of death on the cat - and no struggle at all. The cat had simply taken a breath and instantly, it was gone. We need to lead you out of here, and quick."
Bluejay and Stormcloud looked worriedly to their leader. The cats had meowed their horror, their fear, their distrust, their sadness. It was all mixed together, and the two cats telling the story did not know who believed yet and who did not. Hawkscreech looked at the cats. He had a competitive anger to his eyes.
"I see what you are trying to do. You want to drive us all out of our home for an untrue omen. Then, since your fake little dream says YOU two must lead, you grant yourselves permission to knock me out of leadership. Everyone will follow what YOU say, and you'll drive me out. Then you'll return with MY Corporation that I STARTED and live normally again as royalty and heroic cats!" Hawkscreech spat. "Well, I won't let it happen. I'm not letting ANY of my cats go with you."
End of chapter
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Oh dear... a cat who started a corporation full of cats. *shakes head* What will everyone think of next? Although, I find the idea rather humorous and rather, well... strange, I still like it. Gives this story some uniqueness that isn't easy to find in a typical story. Good work. Let's hope I'm able to make sense of the rest of the story. I hope I will; I'm terrible at making sense of things I'm not entirely used to.
The first thing that I'd like to talk about is separating the different speakers. I'm not going to be taking out any paragraphs as that would be kinda cheating as some are pretty long, but I noticed that you sometimes have 2+ speakers inside of one paragraph. Not all the time, but some of the time. Different speakers are to be separated into different paragraphs, generally without exception. Don't think there is an exception actually. So if you have person 1 say something and then person 2 is going to be coming in then you would have person 2's dialogue put into an entirely different paragraph! Make sense?
Here we have a little case of redundancy. The two tall's in this sentence installs that. Redundancy is something that is hard to avoid, but when we go around it properly it's fairly easy to fix. Just read it aloud to yourself and it should fix itself.
Nuhh, get rid of those n-dashes and replace them with commas.
Whoaaah, that's a lot of words that were put into caps. Try and simmer down on stuff like that. Usually gives the work an overall bad look and isn't nice for the general flow. Go for italics and it's also okay to not emphasize on words that you think should be! Once you emphasize a certain amount of words, it kinda loses its special bearing and its effect on the reader. There's only so much emphasizing a reader can take, or words for that matter!
I'd have to say that I enjoyed the part when you were talking about how the cats got shoved into cages and gassed. Very nicely put. I personally don't think cats should be treated like that, unless we have a population problem. Then it would be okay to get rid of a few, but in a decent manner. No sense in being cruel. Cats being gassed though, I think would be pretty painless, but I won't argue with you there. It was well written, that part. Keep it up.
That's all for nitpicks I think. I'm sorry if these reviews aren't going to be helping you out much. I'm starting to think that reviewing a book on Warrior cats was a little out of character for me, so I'm finding it a bit hard. ^ ^ But hope these reviews help anyway!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hello!
I love where this is going! I agree with dogsrule5. There are no grammar or spelling issues, nothing wrong with this! I loved reading it!! Keep up the great work!
I had a feeling Hawkscreech would be like that!
~Snazzy
Thanks so much!!
I really liked this book! It is Awesome! I love how it is so different of all the other books. It is one of a kind.
My favorite part was when the dream thing. When she was having the dream and she told about it. It was cool! I really liked it. I like it so much. It is the best book ever!
You Grammar and spelling was awesome. I saw no mistakes in this part of my review.
Your punchuation was also great. Just like your story. It was awesome.
I cant wait until I can read chapter 3 4 5 etc. Well I hope you liked my review. Talk to you later.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Thanks!
no prob
EPIC!
Thanks!!!!
Awesome!!
This story is really giving me a feeling. After I read the last sentence, I began to get excited. What is going to happen next? Is what I thought. You're really making readers feel in this story. I hope you make more and more stories, cause they're great!
I would give it about a 100% perfect story on this and a 10 of 10. There is still this question in my mind: How do you write it?
All I can do is compliment on it, giving it a great rating. You should make more stories, I bet you'd be great! Well, you already are.
I also like how instead of easily letting them lead the other cats, Hawkscreech disobeys. Just wonderful. You have something stopping the two from doing what they actually NEED to do.
As I said before, great as usual!
Keep on writing,
Sunset101
Great job! This story is really getting somewhere.
The dream explanation was great, and how their leader wouldn't offer any cats to join them? PERFECT!
I don't know if you took the names from the Warriors books, but they are very good! I especially like Hawkscreech. It really fits his personality, as well!
I really don't have much to say for this chapter. In the last paragraph, though, you used future tense! Good job! : )
Sorry for the such short review, I didn't really have anything to say for this chapter.
It is very suspenseful, I think this is your best cliffhanger yet. Great job!
~ WillowPaw1
Thanks so much! You always have the nicest reviews waiting for me. You rock! And I am trying not to use any names I have seen in the Warriors books. I haven't read the whole series yet, so I might eventually accidentally use a name. I don't know.
I'm not very good at writing harsh reviews, anyways. XP
Cool! Making up names like that sounds cool!
If it sounds cool to you, you can help if you want! I told rosieposie this as well but if you think of a name you want me to use, comment it somewhere and I will use the name if possible!
Cool! Okay, if I think of a good one I'll tell you!
Thanks! I'm sure you'll think of some great ones!
Hmm, how about... Coonstripe! Sorry, I just came up with it. wanted to suggest it.