Forbidden Shadows - Chapter One

by Em101cats

Published April 5, 2014

E - Everyone

In Forbidden Shadows chapters

(It's finally here! But if you haven't read the prologue yet, please read that first before you read this. If you choose not to, then most of this chapter will really confuse you. Thanks!)

Bluejay streaked through the cold, dark forest, his paws slamming down on the grass. The rain pattered down on his already-wet pelt, making the blue tom feel chilled to his very bones. The cat could hear the footsteps echoing behind him. He knew that he had to escape them. But who were they, and why did they hate him so much?

Bluejay had no idea.

Suddenly Bluejay felt himself stumble. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed as he fell into an inky pitch blackness. He felt himself falling, falling, falling for eternity. Would this endless chase be over? Would he fall to his death now, letting down all the cats he had promised to save? And Stormcloud! What would she do? She could not lead them alone.

Bluejay worriedly thought over everything he had seen in the dream Stormcloud had shared with him. Having the same dream on the same night had felt weird, but what had felt weirder was the meaning of the dream itself.

Before Bluejay could think anything else, light burst into the pitch black death hole, and it exploded into Bluejay's eyes. His eyes flashed white, then he opened them.

It had all been a dream. He lay in an alley back in the city.

In a quick instant Bluejay recognized this alleyway. It lay in between the butcher's shop and the grocery store, and was the biggest alley in the whole city. It was the Stray Corporation's headquarters. Bluejay and Stormcloud were a part of the biggest cat society ever known to live in the city. Stray cats worked together to get meals, not against one another. Most alley cats stuck to being selfish, but these cats were anything but that.

Suddenly Bluejay felt a pain raise from his claws into his paws. From his paws the pain leaked into his legs. From there the feeling spread into his body and his tail. And then it finally reached into his head and ears. The cat let out a weak cry of pain.

As soon as Bluejay let out the cry, Stormcloud was at the tom's side in seconds.

"I knew you'd wake up soon," she smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel like I've been mauled by 50 humans. And would you mind explaining why?"

Stormcloud sighed. "Well, I hate to say it, but a group of strays figured out about our little secret dream. They hate the idea that they need to save themselves. They hate it all. They stare at you and I with narrowed, distrusting eyes. They don't understand, they don't trust us. And some of those cats attacked you after leaving the Corporation."

"WHAT! Cats from the Corps? Leaving and attacking me?"

"Yes. They would have gotten me too, but the raccoon was too big for them to get past to attack me. And they also had intended to end your life. Thank the world that they failed as the raccoon thought that THEY had the meat and attacked them off."

"Thank the world, indeed! I would have been dead meat if it weren't for that raccoon. But listen. We need to talk. What if the others act the same way as the rebel cats? You know, what if they don't listen? What if they take it that we're joking instead?"

"Bluejay, someone's got to believe us. And when we leave to save those someones, the others will choose to stay behind. And when they do, they'll die. Then their last thoughts will be, 'I should have listened!' So don't fear. We'll take the chance with the cats that do as we need, and the others will learn their lessons."

"Can we go tell them now? We have to. It should be starting only two days away. We need time to escape," Bluejay said.

Stormcloud looked nervous, but the grey she-stray nodded. She helped up Bluejay, much adding to his pain, but he was easily able to ignore the pain now. It had become softer, even as he walked. They both padded off to a different alley, where the other cats were eating. The headquarters was only for meetings, anyway.

Both cats took a deep breath before entering the alley full of tattered cats with mangy pelts.

What would they say? Chapter 2 coming soon!

Comments & reviews · 7
ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Nov 28, 2014

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well firstly, even though I did read the prologue I couldn't make any sense of this. Not because of what happened, but because of how it was written. Basically every line was skipping around not really sticking, is how I was reading it. Every word that you write has to count for something, and if it doesn't add to the story then there' the possibility that it's taking away. That's generally something that us writers don't want. What I'd suggest you do for at least the overall edit, is to run through and read it aloud to yourself. Such as, Does this give me the visual that I would want a reader to have? Was the piece flowing? And so forth. I think the main problem would be overall flow, really.

Look at it this way. You have words, sentences, and paragraphs. All of these have to flow into the other in order to make a well written story. Now don't get me wrong. This was nicely done in most regards, but not in some spots. Look at your words and particularly your sentences as a whole and try and see how they flow into the other. Right now they don't. They don't build off each other, but are kind of choppy. Right now, it's a fairly big deal but it will get better as I go, I'm sure. Just remember to work on that when re-writing this. :)

on his already-wet pelt


No hyphen necessary here.

His eyes flashed white, then he opened them.


Sometimes it's unnecessary to have conjunctions when writing, but in this case it is necessary. Here you'll want an and after that comma.

A lot of times a sentence can seem incredibly off, and then you add a conjunction and voila! it's perfect! It just needs one little word to smooth over the language and it's perfect. Examples of conjunctions are but, yet, or, so, and, and so forth. You just need to pick the right one is all.

But listen. We need to talk.


One tiny little thing that I noticed was that you seem to talk in shorter sentences. Occasionally that's okay, if the situation calls for it but not all the time. Here, you can put these two sentences together and they would flow smoother. Usually all it takes is for you to read it aloud to yourself and see what goes and what doesn't.

You also need to make sure you brush up on your showing and not telling, when describing character emotions. Don't say he/she is nervous but rather show that they are. Describing facial expressions help, dialogue that is carefully written out with emotion throughout it, the way they act towards other people are also something that usually helps. Just try and make a visual without directly telling the reader anything. Hope that makes sense. ^ ^

Alright, other than what I've mentioned earlier I'd say you did a pretty smashing job with this chapter! I think my favorite part was when you were describing the pain that the cat was in. I have a cat and the one thing I learned about those creatures is that they can fall off of something and always land on their feet. Just never fails. And they don't ever seem to be in any kind of pain, even when somebody steps on their tails! I've just never seen a cat in pain, and I just don't why. xD I liked this description, though. Keep it up.

That's it from me, I think! Keep writing! I'm on to the next chapter.

~Cricket

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Snazzy
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Snazzy commented Comment · Nov 20, 2014

Hello....again :D
I love this!! It is a little short, but that's okay, especially since you have 15 chapters already! :D Great job, and keep writing!! :D :)
~Snazzy :)

Aww, thanks!!!! :) :D

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KatGirl
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KatGirl commented Comment · Sep 21, 2014

Yay! I love Warrior Cats! :-D

If you love Warrior Cats then you're already on my list of Follows! ;)

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Kelpies
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Kelpies wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2014

I assumed that it was inspired by Warriors, but it is even better! And that is a major complement coming from me, a extreme cat/warriors fan. I love that you take the idea of clans and turn it into a group of city cats that always look out for each other.

Thanks! I was greatly inspired by Warriors, so cats came to mind when I sat there at the Publishing Center waiting for an idea. Thinking that instead of forest cats, I could twist it to my own view of things with city cats instead. Erin Hunter gets some credit though for their cat book idea. I hardly think this is better than Warriors though. But it really touches my heart that you would say that :')

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BlueSunset
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BlueSunset wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

Nice long chapter! Unlike mine- which are pretty short- yours is long, descriptive, and enjoyable for everyone. If I got to choose to read a book I wrote or a book you wrote, I'd definetly read yours!

What I really like: it's about cats!
I've always been into animal stories. This one, I have to say, would be on my top list. I can't wait to read the next chapters! I bet you're going to get great reviews for this one chapter. You're doing so good so far.

I read the 'I wish I had wings' poem you wrote, and that was great, too.

I'll be sure to read the next chapter!

~Sunset101

Thanks! Glad you enjoy this. I am a HUGELY GIGANTIC fan of cats and I have two cats myself, so you can probably understand why I did cats. This series was inspired by Erin Hunter's book series "Warriors" which is also about cats. Erin's series is 219304029859034805 times better than mine so if you like this I recommend you read Erin's series.

As a matter of fact, I read the first one, Into The Wild, and it was good. But if you keep practicing, I bet yours might get better than his. Oh, and your name kind of mAde me realize that you liked cats. :D

I read a ton of Erin Hunter's books! They were my first series! I am also a major fan of cats, as I say this, one is sitting in my lap trying to get my attention!

Hey, I see you fellow cat fans are having fun with my books? Glad you like these! In chapter nine and ten you find out why the series is called Forbidden Shadows... It'll be suspenseful :D (And saying I like cats is a major understatement. I am obsessed with cats. Cats cats cats! :D)

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WillowPaw1
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WillowPaw1 wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2014

Heyy! Thanks for reviewing my story—I'm here to review yours! :D

First off, I love the length of your chapters. They aren't too short, so you're not like,"I need more!" but they're not too long, either. Sometimes you can get bored with long chapters!! These are perfect length.

There weren't many spelling errors, and most of your commas were placed appropriately. They didn't make the dialogue seem to slow or too fast.

Your grammar is pretty good, but I'm not that good at past, present, future tense. Don't trust me when it comes to grammar! :3

You may want to add more description or something in between each dialogue. Most of this chapter is dialogue—which is good. You want to explain through characters speaking, but also details and actions.

You end your story with a great cliffhanger and suspense. Good job!

Hope the review helped!

~ WillowPaw1

Thanks! I will be working on that description like you said. Thanks for the help!

No problem... :)

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puppys3117
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puppys3117 wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2014

Hey Em101cats! This is a review and just about all of it is good news! Here it is!

Spelling: pretty good, but in the 3rd paragraph, I noticed 'seem' instead of 'seen'. But maybe u wanted it that way!
Grammer: pretty much AWESOME :D
Suspense: much!
Rating: stars: 5 1 out of 10: 9 1/2

Cant wait for the next part!

At first I didn't see what you meant by the seem instead of seen thing. But now I do! Very sorry about that. Thanks for your concern, puppys3117!

Okay, I fixed the error. Thank you for telling me about that. It's all fixed! :)

no problem at all! im always happy to help a WRITER IN NEED XD

XD yeah. Like my new avatar?

yes I do! WINKING KITTY!!!!!!!! how d I get an avatar of meh own?

Go to settings (the little gear button) and find 'My Profile.' I forget what it says, but you should be able to find something about an avatar. Click that and you can either choose a picture of your own or left over ones they have in the gallery. The ones in the gallery AND from your own computer are both one no one else has so you can be assured you're unique and original :)

You're welcome! But really, thank the person who answered my question. I was asking the very same thing! :D



If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman