Nancy Austin was a pretty girl, shy and sweet. Her strawberry blonde hair was cropped at her chin, and her wide eyes and perfect skin made her look like a porcelain doll. She dressed in pastel colors, and had a beautiful smile. Still, she didn’t have many friends. There was always something distant about her, like she didn’t belong.
Nancy was fifteen in the fall of 1949, the start of her sophomore year of high school. She was starting new, this time at George Washington High in Boise. Her freshman year, she’d lived in Miami with her family. Before that, Duluth, Minnesota. Before that, Cleveland, Ohio. Houston, Texas. Phoenix, Arizona. And Denver, Colorado. Nancy had never known a time when they hadn’t moved. Six schools in six years. That was part of being an Army brat, and maybe, part of the reason she didn't want to make friends. Because eventually, she’d have to leave them all behind.So when she caught the handsome boy staring in history class, she didn’t pay it much mind. She wanted to do well in school, and while she was getting to the age where boys were starting to pay attention to her, if she couldn't risk having friends, then she definitely couldn’t risk boys.
The teacher was an old man who spoke slowly, and no matter how hard Nancy tried to listen to him talk about the murder of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and how it led to World War I, she kept nodding off.
The boy was still staring too, and there was something about him that made her want to stare back. The weather was still warm, and while most of the boys wore short sleeves, this one wore a long sleeve shirt, one that seemed to hang tightly at his wrists, almost as if it was too small for him. But it was more than that. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but Nancy felt drawn to him.
That was when she noticed a note on her desk. She opened it.
“With this, who needs The Ed Sullivan Show?”
She looked back at the boy, who gave her a smile. Nancy pursed her lips as she thought about what to write back. “I’ve never been more interested in the history of the first World War than I am now.”
She felt her hands shake as she slipped him the note.
“What class do you have next?” He wrote back.
“English.”
“Mind if I walk you?”
“I’d like that.” It was as she was handing him back the note that she felt the teacher’s eyes on both of them.
“Jay Whitman,” he snapped.
The boy, Jay, sat straight up.
“Would you like to bring me that note?”
Jay knew he didn’t have a choice and obliged.
It was embarrassing, having their notes read aloud for the rest of the class to hear. Nancy buried her face in her arms the whole time. When it was done, the teacher threw it in the garbage and told the class if he caught anyone doing it again it would be automatic detention. He resumed the lecture.
After the bell rang, Nancy saw Jay lingering at her desk.
“Well, can I walk you to English, then?” He asked.
She saw the teacher looking at them. Almost as an act of defiance, she nodded yes.
---
In the hall, they properly introduced themselves to each other. Nancy mentioned that she was new to Boise, that her family moved around a lot. He said he lived with his mother and stepfather.
Nancy wondered what had happened to his father, but she didn’t want to ask now. She could have talked to Jay for hours, but the walk to English class was only a few minutes.
For a moment, they lingered at the door, moving out of the way of students streaming into class. She didn’t want him to leave, and it seemed like he didn’t want to either.
“See you tomorrow?” He said. She could have sworn that he was blushing.
---
It was after class on the second day that he asked her to the movies. They ended up meeting at the theater, since neither had their license yet, even though Jay was learning how to drive. Nancy arrived early, and waited for Jay beside the poster of The Red Shoes, the film they’d decided to see. She waited patiently, and just as she was starting to have doubts about whether he was going to show up at all, a car pulled up and he got out.
A few minutes before it was due to start, a car pulled up and he got out. A blonde woman in the driver’s seat gave Jay a loving look and waved towards Nancy before Jay got out of the car. Nancy assumed it was his mother, but she seemed young.
“Hello,” Nancy said.
“Hi,” Jay replied.
“Was that your mom?”Jay nodded.
“She seems nice,” Nancy remarked.
“Mhmm,” said Jay, but it didn’t go much further than that. They stood in line to buy their tickets, and they went inside.
The movie was in color, about a young dancer who becomes obsessed with her craft. It was romantic, unsettling and sad all at the same time. Jay held her hand all throughout.
It was autumn, and still a warm night. For a moment, they stood under the marquee. “I actually…” Nancy started.
“What?” Jay responded with a smile.
“I’ve actually thought about trying out for the talent show,” Nancy said. “But I’m nervous.” She confessed that she was a singer, and Jay said he wanted to hear her sometime.
“You should try,” he said. “What do you have to lose?”
That was when Jay noticed his mother was already there.
She was young, but very beautiful. She turned to Nancy first, and extended her hand.
“Hello,” she said. “I’m Jay’s mother. Mrs. Flynn.”
“Nancy Austin,” Nancy replied, accepting the handshake.
Nancy knew Jay’s last name was Whitman, but she also remembered he had something about a stepfather. Maybe, if Jay trusted her enough, he would tell her what exactly was going on with his family. Maybe his father had died, and she didn’t want to be insensitive.
That was when she noticed her own father. They said goodbye with the understanding that they would see each other again.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi Elinor,
Mailice here with a short review!
I really like your beginning and I like the way the narrator's voice delivers it in a tone that makes it sound neutral, yet with a certain finesse, like Nancy is listening and speaking up at any point she might not like. However, I also found that this style of narration made some sentences seem a little short. It was like a choppy point and in parts it seemed like a resume. I don't mean the list of cities where she went to school, but for example this point here:
Or here:
That gives the text a bit of a feeling, as if it were also being told from the perspective of a film, where an intro is in progress. At least that is my impression. Because the reader is only now beginning to visually prepare for the text, you jump ahead a little too much with the structure. It's hard to describe, but to me it feels like I just have Nancy in my head and - bang - everything changes.
I am not a historian and therefore have no idea, but here I would be interested to know if in 1949 WW I was already called WWI and WWII was called WWII.
I wrote earlier about this - bang - termination, and I think this point is a little clearer here, because you keep the second sentence quite short, and I think it also conveys the teacher's severity. Instead of using adverbs to lengthen the sentence, it is short and to the point. It's a style I've read in several places here, but here it stood out the most.
Here I miss a bit why she can talk to Jay for so long. What exactly fascinated her so much? Probably not just curiosity about his father, right?
I would make the second sentence a new line, otherwise it looks like Jay is answering.
It was a very nice story. I liked it because you use this strange yet familiar style that I like a lot. This whole first part feels like a long intro where you don't get to hear what they're talking about directly, but there's a nice melody going on in the background that expresses how a friendship and an impending love develops. I thought you portrayed that well.
However, I also think it lacks a bit of emotion. You build up well, but somehow at the peak of a scene the reader lacks the tangible to understand what is going on between the two. On the one hand, I think it fits well with the idea of Nancy, and how you've presented her, but it's weird when that birth of love doesn't really come across. I can understand that the two of them probably don't think that far ahead about what love is, but I think, at least to some extent, you could have read that out a little bit.
Otherwise I liked the story. I like Nancy, especially the way you described her in a short paragraph, so that you could immediately see her motive and also interpret her character a bit. What I also like very much is that the setting is not in modern times, but in a time that was simpler in terms of technology, in the sense of not being doped up by all the media.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
I really like the beginning of this story. It almost felt like too much information at first, but it helped me to understand Nancy's interactions with Jay better. There is some suspense with his mother, I want to find out more, very interesting hook. The note scene went very well, good imagery used there. Overall great start!
Hi! Spunky here to review!
Grows:
The bold should be italicized, just like the rest of the messages.
You shouldn't repeat "a car pulled up and he got out." A quick edit will fix this problem.
Besides needing a space between the parentheses, you need to make it a bit clearer that it isn't Jay who is speaking here.
I wouldn't start both of these two sentences with a "Maybe." It makes it repetitive.
Glows:
I really love this so far! Very excellent pacing, and I love this story so far. The beginning paragraphs give just enough info without boring you and overwhelming you with unnecessary facts. Well done!
Hello, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
Let's get straight to it.
You have a good start to the story, but it feels like it's already moving too fast. It also feels like an information overload. In the first paragraph, you already give us her whole name, personality, what she looks like, and why she is so different. You should try to weave all this information into the story a little bit at a time. This way it will be easier to digest and take in.
In this paragraph, you repeat a lot of words like "before and start." I think if you changed up so of the words it would make it a lot easier to read and understand. Also, you mention so many places that it's hard to keep track. There are also some parts in here that I think you should reword to make it sound better.
Wow, this relationship is really moving fast.
In the last sentence of the paragraph before this you say he got out of the car. In the first sentence of this paragraph you also say that he got out of the car.
Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I liked the interaction that Jay and Nancy had with each other. I saw no grammatical errors, but one thing that I have to say is that I only remembered that this is set in 1949 after you mention that the movie was in color. You might want to add more mentions to make the reader remember when the movie is set. Great job! Can't wait to read what you write next!
Hey! You know, I like this story. It has no typos or grammatical errors that I can see, which I appreciate. And I like the sort of passive writing style of this. It plays out like a timeline, matter-of-fact. For some, people might see this as a classic example of too much tell, not enough show, but I don’t think you were going for something super prosey. So I feel like, at least for an intro, this writing style works.
I can see some chemistry between Nancy and Jay, and I like their interactions. The note scene was well played out, and I could visualize it well. Character-personality-wise, Nancy seems a bit basic, not terribly unique, but I don’t think you’re trying to make her. Same for Jay. I don’t know why meeting Jay’s mom is important, but maybe it will be.
This looks like a promising beginning. I hope this gets more intriguing as time goes on!