Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Dramatic

12+ Mature Content

The Girl from Lincoln (3)

by Elinor

As we sat, their focus shifted to him. As did mine. “It’s a beautiful night,” he said. As he spoke, I realized he was handsome. But there was no way he could be interested in me. Not when he had Alex or Sasha or especially Helen. Still, something about this felt right. He made us take a moment and listen to the crickets. It was soothing. He went on for a little while about appreciating nature and being in the moment and how so many people never do. Then, he started talking about the moon landing and how it was a toxic waste of money and resources when the government could have been putting it towards helping people in need. How the astronauts had a slim chance of survival, and how the whole thing was just worthless.

Barely audibly, under my breath, I said, “I think it’s amazing.”

I’d hoped he hadn’t heard me, but he did. “What was that?” He asked.

From the way they all immediately stared at me, I knew I’d made a mistake. But I knew I also had no choice but to say what I’d said. “I think it’s amazing. And I think NASA’s got a shot at pulling this off.” From the way his expression changed, I knew he was angry with me. But I didn’t know what I’d said or done wrong.

“Why do you think so, Deborah?” Was all he said. In that moment I forgot how to speak the English language. He remained fixated on me.

“Think on it,” he continued. He turned to the girls. “Stay here.” They nodded. Then, to me. “Let’s talk, the two of us.” He stood up and began to walk. I followed. He eventually led me towards his tent. I had no idea what was happening or what I’d done to inspire this. Still, I followed him inside.

There wasn’t much, mostly small boxes and scattered papers. There was a book. Meditations, Marcus Aurelius. As I sat down, I noticed an old photo of a young woman with long, wavy blonde hair and blue eyes and a face that closely resembled Jay’s. The woman held a baby in her arms. She seemed to be as young as me. Before I had the chance to look at it any further, he forcefully snatched it out of my hand and shoved it into his pocket.

“I’m sorry,” I said. He said nothing, but breathed heavily as he looked at me. “I’m sorry," I repeated. He continued to say nothing. “Who’s the woman in the picture?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “Why did Alex and Sasha bring you here?” His tone was so accusatory that I felt incredibly unwelcome.

“I can leave, if you want,” I said. He immediately softened. “That’s not what I was suggesting. I hope you didn’t think that it was.”

I said nothing. He reached out his hand, and I took it. It was strong. Comforting. I felt safe. “I think they brought you here because they saw something in you. Something that we can help with.” He let his words sink in. In that moment, I wasn’t aware of anyone or anything else. It was only me and him. “Tell me what’s wrong, Deborah.”

I felt more relaxed now, just from him looking into my eyes and me looking into his. “It’s my mother.”

His eyes were on me know, listening to whatever I had to say.

“My dad and her got divorced two years ago,” I said nervously, not wanting to dwell on it, on the fights that I still remembered vividly. “He lives in Minnesota now. But I feel like my mom tries to control my life.”

“How does she try to control your life?”

“Treats me like a child,” I said. “Yet I still have to drop everything to help her.” Something about me trusted him, enough to tell him about Laurie. How I didn’t really have any friends other than her, and that how in the preceding months I’d sensed things were different but she’d still hit me with wanting to end our friendship out of nowhere. How my coworkers at Baskin Robbins were nice enough but no one really seemed to notice me. That on some days, the line would be out the door but I would somehow still feel so alone.

“You’re beautiful,” he said.

I was unprepared for the compliment, and felt my entire face turn red.

He leaned in and kissed me. I’d imagined this moment a million times with Ken, and yet, here I was, kissing someone I’d met scarcely an hour ago. None of this made any sense at all. And he was a man and not a boy. I still wasn’t quite sure what to think of him, but I knew something about him was different.

It was when he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth that I felt my face clamp up and I pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I’ve just never done that before with anyone.”

I expected him to judge me. I knew he probably thought that a lot of girls my age were experienced, and if I told him I was a virgin, that I’d never even held another boy’s hand, or had a boyfriend in my life, he’d probably figure that there was something wrong with me. But he didn’t. “It’s not anything to be afraid of,” he said.

I laughed nervously then. “Should we go out and see how the others are doing?”

“Deborah,” he said. “I’d like to help you, but you need to let go of your fear.”

I needed to let go of my fear. No one had ever told me that before, and he was bringing so much attention to it that it made me question the way I’d lived my life up until now. Still, I liked the feeling of being around him. Around the girls. They’d made me feel seen in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. “I don’t know how,” I said.

“We can be here for you,” he said. “If you’re open to us. To the truth. But that means leaving your life here behind.”

I couldn’t just leave. Or could I?

“You don’t have to be treated the way your mother treats you,” he continued. “You’re better than that.” Then, he touched my shoulder. “And if you’re not ready, we can wait.” It took me a moment to realize he was talking about sex. In my naïveté I hadn’t realized that had been his intention in taking me inside here. Still, I gave a vague nod and said nothing. The girls were at the fire still, talking amongst themselves. We sat down again and they all smiled at me. I kept looking at him, wondering if I’d made a mistake by allowing my nerves get the best of me in the tent. That maybe I did want to have sex with him.

“Our way of life,” Jay said. “It’s not something many people understand.” He then proceeded to talk about how there was a big beautiful world outside of what most people ever knew. I realized it applied to a lot of people I knew. My classmates, my coworkers, and Mother. That all they ever talked about where they’d go out on weekend nights or what jobs they were going to get or how they were going to marry their boyfriends after high school. That I always thought to myself that there had to be more to life than this. That being with Jay, being with the girls, was a validation of everything I’d been thinking and feeling the past few years. That I wasn’t the only one that felt this way.

As we talked into the night, I could see myself with them. On the road. They asked me again if this was what I wanted. I told them I had to go home and gather a few of my belongings.

Helen offered to drive me back to Baskin Robbins so I could get my bike, and Alex offered to come along. As we talked, I realized that the and I, despite them being older and more mature, had a lot in common. They were like the older sisters I never had. “I was nothing when I met Jay,” Helen told me. “It’s the best decision I ever made.”

“He’s the most wonderful person you could ever meet,” Alex added. “We hope you come with us. We’ve been all over the country.”

“I will,” I said.

Once we got to the Baskin Robbins, they told me that they’d wait for me there. I hoped Mother would be asleep but something told me that she wouldn’t be.

Sure enough, once I got home, Mother was sitting on the sofa, waiting for me.

“You have no idea how much trouble you’re in, young lady,” she said.

“I don’t care,” I said, starting towards my room. It was funny. A day ago nothing terrified me more than making her angry. Now I was apathetic. It was like in the Charlie Brown cartoons how none of the adults ever had any intelligible dialogue.

She stood up and blocked my path. “You weren’t at Laurie’s.”

“So you figured that out,” I said nonchalantly.

“Deborah Gail Stone,” Mother exclaimed. “I’m not sure where you learned this attitude but you need to cut it right now.”


She wasn’t going to miss me when I was gone. That was for sure. In fact, I was certain she’d be happier. “I’m leaving,” I said.

“No you’re not,” she said.

“Yes, I am,” I told her. “I’m tired of you controlling my life and treating me like a child.”

“Where this coming from?” She asked. There was a hint of sadness in her voice, but I pushed it away.

“I met people that actually care about me,” I said. “They like me. I won’t be a bother to them like I am to you.”

Her face fell, but I was too in my own head. “Debbie,” she said, in the voice she used to use when I was younger. “You’re not a bother.”

“There’s nothing you can do to stop me."

She was silent for a long time. “Okay,” she said. “You’ve always got a home here if you want it.” To this day, I'm surprised that she let me go so easily. But maybe she figured that I was having a tantrum and I would be back in a few days. “Good luck, Debbie.” After another long pause, she added, “I love you.” Before I could respond, she went into her room and shut the door.

I froze for a moment, realizing it had been a long time since she told me she loved me. Still, I edged towards my room, finally taking off my uniform. I changed into my green sleeveless dress and clipped my hair back into a low ponytail and began filling a bag with a few clothes. I took the stuffed bear Father got me in Paris. I took one last look at all, but didn’t allow myself to get wrapped up in it, as I knew Helen and Alex were waiting for me. I doubted that I would ever be back, but who knew.

I left my house and got back on my bike, convinced I was making the right decision. But all I could think about was my mom and how she seemed not angry but sad. How she told me she loved me. Still, I was excited about seeing Helen and Alex again. And Jay. I knew what they were going to say. That my mother’s sadness was her way of drawing me in, of keeping me trapped in a vicious cycle.

Once I arrived at Baskin Robbins, I saw them still waiting. They smiled, almost as if they didn’t expect me to actually come back.

“You look beautiful,” Alex said as I got in the car.

For the first time in my life, I felt it too.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
314 Reviews

Points: 12450
Reviews: 314

Sun Jun 30, 2019 5:13 pm
mellifera wrote a review...

Hey Elinor! Back again (and Happy Review Day, by the way!) for some more :)

As he spoke, I realized he was handsome.

Didn't she already observe that he was handsome in the last part? Unless you intended more of "he's really smart and that's attractive to me", in which case I wouldn't use "handsome" as the descriptive word here.

Then, he started talking about the moon landing and how it was a toxic waste of money and resources

Debbie can sense the future.

Barely audibly, under my breath, I said, "I think it's amazing."

I would either choose "under my breath" or "Barely audible" (I would also change "audibly" to "audible" because the double "ly" ending words sounds odd), because they both have, essentially, the same meaning.

But I knew I also had no choice but to say what I'd said.

1) I would change "to say what I'd said" to "repeat what I'd said" cause the double say/said doesn't read well.
2) I mean, nobody heard what you said, so you don't have to repeat it? Although, it is interesting that Debbie doesn't even think about lying, but assumes she has no choice but to tell them what she did say rather than agreeing.

But I didn't know what I'd said or done wrong.

I mean,, it seemed like she did? He's ranting about how the moon landing is a waste of money, and she counters that, knowing that it will get her discredited, but then suddenly doesn't know why Jay reacts badly? (I MEAN she didn't do anything wrong, but I'm saying she already seems nervous about expressing her opinion because she seems afraid that he'll react poorly, but then he does and she seems bewildered, which doesn't follow)

"Why do you think so, Deborah?" Was all he said.

This... doesn't make a lot of sense? I mean the uh, "Was all he said" part. Wouldn't it be "asked" if anything? (The use of her name feels somewhat artificial too. We know he's talking to her, and it's a strange place to use her name)

In that moment I forgot how to speak the English language.

well, at least she didn't forget how to speak any other language. english isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway.

I had no idea what was happening or what I'd done to inspire this.

Now here is the problem I mentioned with her being surprised he was angry, but done right, because she didn't have any preluding thoughts to it. It is unexpected, unlike the other bit I mentioned, so her confusion is really warranted here.

Before I had the chance to look at it any further, he forcefully snatched it out of my hand and shoved it into his pocket.

It says she notices the picture, but never picks it up? It seems more likely he would have caught he looking at it and then grabbed it and stuffed it anyway. Or added a part where she does actually pick it up to examine it.

His tone was so accusatory that I felt incredibly unwelcome.

I am going to call out the use of "felt" again and the telling over showing ;) Maybe something more like "His tone was so accusing, and I shrunk back, hugging my arms around myself" or, y'know. It's implied by "I can leave, if you want" that she feels unwelcome, and combined with some kind of action like shrinking back or closing herself off, I think it'd be real easy to get that across without saying it outright.

"I can leave, if you want," I said. He immediately softened. "That's not what I was suggesting. I hope you didn't think that it was."

"He immediately softened" and his following dialogue needs to be put on a new line.

I felt safe.

(I really think you can just nix this line, to be honest. It doesn't contribute anything. Also? She goes from feeling really unwelcome to immediately safe. If a man acted that way and then grabbed my hand, I'd feel incredibly threatened. Obviously, I am not Debbie, but it just seems like a... strange reaction)

"Tell me what's wrong, Deborah."

While using names does feel off much of the time (because how many times do we say people's names in real life besides when we're calling them or are trying to impact a sentence?), this feels a lot more natural than it did in the last one I brought it up in.

I felt more relaxed now

(yes I am going to give you winky faces when I find telling like this from now on)

I said nervously

Instead of putting the "nervously" here, I would describe her doing something to signify she's nervous. Playing with or ringing her hands, biting her nails, rubbing the back of her neck, chewing her lip. You get across what kind of nervous tic Deborah might fall back on, and it adds more life to your prose rather than explicitly stating she's nervous.

"Deborah," he said. "I'd like to help you, but you need to let go of your fear."

id like to help with your unresolved parental issues with sex can i interest you in this

(snarky commentary aside- Jay is a very interesting character? He's pretty terrifying in how charismatic he is, and his anger always surprises me? Not in a bad way, but it makes me unsettled reading about it haha. I think you've done a really good job with how you've written him to be this unsettling and charming and just,, men are like that in real life and it's terrifying to know that, and to read about how human he is and how this cult came to be and I really like how you've done it all)

As we talked, I realized that the and I, despite being older and more mature, had a lot in common.

I'm assuming this is meant to say "I realized that she and I", and I think? it's talking about Alex? Just want to make sure though haha.

Ah??? I love the conversation between Debbie and her mum?? It's so sad though D: I really, really like that her mum is actually upset that she's leaving. I appreciate that her character has more depth than is first shown and how the emotion ties into the story, even if it doesn't convince Debbie to stay.

That's all I have for you! I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I love that you've added the shorts that surrounded the main story to share how exactly the cult really takes off. I know it starts with Alex meeting Jay, and subsequently, Sasha, but it's really interesting to see how all the other girls come into it as well. Every character has their own unique, interesting story about how they ended up joining the cult. It's really cool to see you sharing their stories too.

I hope you're having a great time! <3

User avatar
1394 Reviews

Points: 76507
Reviews: 1394

Mon Jun 17, 2019 8:55 pm
View Likes
JabberHut wrote a review...

Ohhhhhhh I love how this dives more into Debbie's relationship with her mother. It makes so much more sense of some of the behaviors and dialogue earlier in the first part. The dialogue here itself was also very realistic. It didn't feel emotional, but the lines themselves were so strong enough that it didn't bother me as much.

And her mom's sadness at the end. Perhaps her mother saw this coming all along, just... perhaps not this kind of scenario. >.> STILL. Seems like her mom has been fighting her own battles, and this is just an added issue (or an evolved issue). Poor mama.

So AGAIN I just love the unique perspective from Debbie's eyes here, how she's so ignorant and simply looking for friendship or camaraderie. It's all so simple and almost child-like and it plays extremely well here. It also just makes me hate Jay so much freaking more. I'm GLAD he didn't force him onto her, not yet anyway, but god he is a nasty sunuva--

I can tell this series of shorts is meant to kind of... support the film itself because they are just slightly different animals than typical short stories. The girls all are so easily blended together, their personalities don't stand out as much, and normally that'd be dangerous for a short story. But it works so well here because these individual stories are merely the one point-of-view as to how they ended up with Jay, so it's all in their perspective, and when someone meets so many people in one day, THEY DO ALL BLUR TOGETHER. So it's actually realistic and effective how these girls all seem to act and sound the same. Their uniqueness isn't necessarily important. While the narrator stands out all on her own! Same thing with Helen's story. They had their own stories, their own personalities, and they are strong focal points we can relate to. It's written effectively well and I really like it for the purpose these stories serve.

Debbie. <3 She's such an independent individual who yearns for the simplest version of love. She has her own opinions, she's learned to think and entertain herself after everything she's been through, and she isn't afraid to really speak her mind at all. In front of all these strangers, she wasn't afraid to say her opinion on the moon landing. That's such a strong trait for a character, and seeing everyone's reaction to that kind of courage is significant for the reader too. Particularly Jay's reaction and how the reader just simply KNOWS something isn't right with this guy.

The third installment really wraps up the story nicely. It filled in some blanks for me and cleared the air on Debbie's personality, so I really enjoyed the read. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Elinor says...

AHH I'm so glad you liked.

So, just to clarify, the short film I made is actually Alex and Sasha's story. We see how they're both indoctrinated with flash forwards to the future to see what's become of the cult.

But, there's more story to tell, and Debbie and Helen are major characters in the feature version of this that I wrote and am working at revising now. Just trying to define how the cult actually becomes the cult since in the film we see the very beginnings.

I'm trying to organize these writings into something people can read to enhance their experience of the short film itself though, so I'll probably write a few more of these so I'll keep you posted. :D

JabberHut says...

That's really cool! I love that you're doing this. It really helps not only you but the readers/viewers really get invested into this world and these characters. It really shows and sets the tone extremely well.

I'm glad you clarified what the short film is about since I've come a bit late into the whole project. XD SO THANK YOU! That will be really exciting to watch then, getting to know these two girls who I can now assume we already know.

The fact that you're writing a feature version is incredible. What a beast of a project, but you clearly have such a good grasp on your characters and the world they're in that I honestly believe you have what it takes to write such a project. It's really coming together and it's so wonderful to watch it unfold!


Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy