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16+ Mature Content

Hawk and Dove (2)

by Elinor


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

AN: This will be part 2 of 3

It snowed that night. When I woke up, it was nearly to the windows. The thermometer outside said that it was ten degrees. I sighed, over it already, even though this was only the beginning of the long winter. Father wasn’t awake yet. I had to be at school by 8, and he never showed up at the hotel until 10. As I poured myself a quick bowl of cereal, I could feel my nerves for that afternoon grow.

My shift at the motel seemed to move at a glacial pace. Father sensed my nervousness and asked me what the matter was. I finally told him. He was hesitant, as I suspected, but I told him I really had feelings for Jay. He told me that he was reluctantly all right with it, but to be careful, and if Jay hurt me he would personally murder him. I’ve thought about that comment a lot in the years since.

He showed up in the lobby at six on the dot. Father gave him a look as we walked out. Jay didn’t have car, and it was about a mile’s walk into town. Normally I didn’t have a problem walking, but it was so cold. Jay offered his jacket. I declined because that would have left him without a jacket, but he insisted, draping it over my shoulders. I was buried in it, and looked ridiculous, but it was ungodly warm.

“What would you like to do, Sarah?” He asked me.

“Go somewhere with heat.”

He laughed. “I’d actually thought of laying in the snow.”

This made me laugh. He smiled. Not even Marty looked at me the way he did. We ended up at a diner, where he inexplicably ordered a milkshake. I chose not to question it.

We got along very well, and could have talked four hours. I told him about how I hated Gary, how I thought my mother deserved better but she would never leave him because she was afraid to be alone. The whole time he looked at me as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world, something I was overtly conscious of. I was so taken by him showing so much interest in me that that I never thought to ask him about his past. Not that he would have been open or honest with me. But I found out later that a mere week before we’d met, he’d been released from a three year stint at a juvenile detention center for holding up a filling station, that he couldn’t go back to his family because they wanted nothing to do with him. That he was really and truly on his own.

But I wasn’t thinking of any of that then. “Where have you been all my life?” He suddenly asked me.

I became bright red, unsure of how to respond. “Right here.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

I continued to blush.

“You look like Joan Fontaine.”

I blushed even more.

“What’s the matter?”

I couldn’t form coherent words. “Which is it?” I finally managed. “Joan Fontaine or Veronica Lake?”

“Which would you prefer?”

“Either will do.”

There was a natural lull in the conversation, and our eyes drifted to the theater across the street. High Noon, the new Gary Cooper film, was playing. There was a showing at 8 o’clock. It was seven-thirty.

“Want to go?” He asked.

I nodded. Father had not given me a time to be home. Besides, he would still be at the motel until at least ten. He paid for our meal and as we exited the diner, he took my hand.

We entered the movie, and he continued to hold my hand throughout. I sat there, lost in it but also in him. How just two nights ago I’d thought that perhaps I would never get married. Everyone had always made being a spinster out to be a bad thing, but it seemed alright to me. Marriage never seemed to cause anyone anything but trouble. And yet, as we sat there, how I knew that he would always be a part of my life somehow.

After it finished, Jay smiled at me as we stood up, making sure that I had everything. He then asked if I wanted to do anything else, but it was almost ten and I told him that I needed to go home, and he agreed to walk with me.

It was only a short few blocks but it felt much longer in the cold. He tried to maintain conversation, but I was too focused on not freezing to death. He tried to give me his jacket again insisted that I would be fine. I didn’t want him freeze to death either. About halfway through the walk he extended his hand and took mine. It was then that I first registered that he had no gloves. It was ten degrees, probably even colder by now, and he had no gloves. Still, I didn’t say anything. It was nice, being in his presence, and I didn’t want it to end.

We got to my house and I saw Father’s car parked in the driveway and the lights on. He was home. I sighed, thinking of whatever mood I was going to be greeted with when I walked inside.

Jay and I hesitated for a moment. Then, he looked deep into my eyes and said, “I had a really nice time tonight.”

“So did I.”

He kissed me then. I thought it was the kind of kiss that only happened in the movies. As we pulled away, he smiled. “May I see you again?”

“Yes.”

He smiled even wider now. “I’m at the motel until tomorrow. But I’m going to figure it out.”

“Okay,” I said.

He waved goodbye to me as I walked with a skip to my front door.

Inside, Father was reading a newspaper in his pajamas as he listened to the radio. He looked up when he heard me enter. “Hello,” he said flatly.

“Hello,” I responded.

“How was your date?”

“Good.”

“Good.” He said nothing further, and I went into my room. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. He wasn’t exactly interested, but he was not opposed either. Maybe Mother had talked to him. Still, I was tired, and I knew I was going to sleep well.

I spent the whole next day at school thinking about Jay, about how he said he had to figure out his living situation but that we would see each other again, but how we hadn’t made an actual plan. What if he’d changed his mind?

At the end of the day, I started walking home without an answer. I heard someone come up beside me and looked to see Marty. I was repulsed to think that I ever once been attracted to him. He seemed so boyish, so immature with his untucked shirt and hair over his eyes ten years before the Beatles would make it fashionable. “Hello, Marty,” I said. “Did Sylvia leave you?”

It had been a joke, but his frozen response told me that it was true. I couldn’t believe this. He quickly deflected. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“How’s your father?”

“He’s fine.” He wasn’t getting the message to get lost. By then, we’d reached the sidewalk, and before I could say anything, a car pulled up to the curb. I noticed roses in the passenger seat before I noticed Jay. How he’d managed to acquire a car I had no idea, but I didn’t question it.

He unrolled the window. “Hello,” he said, completely ignoring Marty.

I did too as I got in the car, kissing him as I did. I watched Marty’s stunned reaction as we drove away.

“Who was that guy you were talking to?” Jay asked.

“My ex-boyfriend,” I responded. “He left me for another girl.”

“I’m sorry. You deserve more than that.” He then gestured to the roses. “Those are for you.”

“Thank you,” I said. After we drove for a minute, I asked, “So, where exactly are we going?”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Father will be expecting me at the motel,” I said.

“I talked to him already,” Jay said. “He doesn’t mind us going out.”

“How’d you get the car?” I asked.

He hesitated. He wasn’t yet the proficient pathological liar he’d turn out be. “Another guest was selling it. Gave me a good deal.” I accepted this explanation.

“I’d love something to eat. You know, there’s a diner about ten miles up. We used to go more often when I was young. It’s a beautiful drive.”

“Tell me where to go.”


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115 Reviews


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Sun Dec 02, 2018 12:09 am
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello, I'm back to read part two of your wonderful lil' tale!

Your writing is beautiful, Elinor. The flow is really nice and smooth, and as with the last piece, there's enough backstory to keep it clear and engaging without it being info-dumpy!

It had been a joke, but his frozen response told me that it was true. I couldn’t believe this. He quickly deflected. “How are you?”


Here, my initial reaction was: why? Why can't she believe this? We knew that Marty left her for another girl, but what was it about Sylvia that made her think it would last or that she wouldn't be the one to leave him? Even just a few words to answer that would help flesh it out, I think.

This made me laugh. He smiled. Not even Marty looked at me the way he did. We ended up at a diner, where he inexplicably ordered a milkshake. I chose not to question it.


I think this could use a better transition. Perhaps a few sentences describing the landscape or Jay could help smooth it out!

“Thank you,” I said. After we drove for a minute, I asked, “So, where exactly are we going?”


I think a bit more description about how she feels about the gift or Jay in relation to the gift might help make this come to life a little more!

All in all, it's very nice! Like Amadeus mentioned, it does feel a little rushed. Re-reading it and fixing the few spelling/grammar errors in addition to adding more description would really fill this part out and bring it to life.

Happy Holidays!

~ Fea




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Sat Dec 01, 2018 11:05 pm
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AmadeusW wrote a review...



I feel like this part is a little bit rushed, but I really like the gradual threading of doubt about Jay's true colors as you lead into Part 3 (I won't spoil anything in here).

I would recommend reading through it with the intent to look for grammar errors, because there are some sprinkled throughout the story... 1st and 3rd part as well.

Even though I said it felt rushed, I also thought it felt a little slow at times... so maybe just read through and make sure you even out the pace a little. I'm not sure if it's the way you wrote it or the content of the story itself that made it either fast or slow, but I do think the pace could be worked on.

Other than that - great job! I'll have another review for part 3 in a few minutes.





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