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16+ Mature Content

Little Turtledove (2)

by Elinor


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

“Helen,” Jay said as he got into the driver’s seat. “Sit up front.”

The order was so certain that I felt I had no choice but to comply. As we drove, I watched my car grow farther and farther in the distance. Nobody spoke. Then, a minute into the drive, Jay spoke. “Aren’t you going to introduce yourselves?”

The blonde spoke first. She was Alex. The brunette was Sasha. All I remember thinking in that moment was that they both seemed scared. Of what, at the time, I didn’t know.

Jay turned on the radio. He browsed through a few stations before settling on Jefferson Airplane. Comin’ Back To Me.

“I love Grace Slick,” I said. I did love them, and her, and especially how Grace seemed just to live her life without caring what anyone else thought. I’d mentioned this at a party once and got a lot of odd looks.

“So do we,” Jay said. 

“My sister saw her a few years ago.” I said. “And didn’t tell me,” I added quietly.

“Whoa,” Sasha said. “That’s amazing.”

“For her."

“Where did she see her?” asked Alex.

“Um, in San Francisco. We’re from there.” 

This got a reaction even out of Jay. “City girl,” he said. He seemed impressed.

“I want to go to California,” Alex said. “I’ve never been there.”

“It’s all right,” I responded. I looked out the window, at the expansive view of forests and mountains. There was nothing like this in San Francisco. “I’m never going back.”

No one replied to this. Jay asked if we were hungry and we resolved to stop at the nearest diner. A burger and fries sounded amazing. He then asked me about Jean, if she was still in San Francisco. I said that she was. Then he asked if we had a good relationship. The truth was complicated. We had never been particularly close. I did love her, but we often fought. She, along with my parents, would often talk down to me and treat me as if I was stupid. Every day, there was always something new I’d done wrong. But not Jean. Jean was perfect, knew everything, and never made any mistakes.

“I don’t know why it is,” Jay said, “that we’re the cruelest to the people we’re supposed to love.” Almost to let his words sink in, he paused. It made sense. My impression of him then was that he was very smart, that he’d probably lived a couple of lifetimes by then. “We don’t have any tolerance for that, Helen.”

As we drove, I tried to assess exactly what the relationship between the three of them was. No one looked anything alike, so I doubted they were a family. From the way they looked at him with such reverence I figured he slept with one or both of them. But even then, they seemed very young, and Jay made no attempt to hide his making eyes at me. I’d heard a lot about free love before. After all, the Haight was only a short drive away. But having been married, I was closed off from all of it. I accepted it. Maybe it was a better way to live.

We stopped at a diner. He told us to order whatever we wanted. I ordered a burger and fries and ate it ravenously. In what I’d realize much later was simply him loving the sound of his own voice, but at the time I took for all knowing wisdom, he led a conversation. He brought up my family again, and my marriage. He said that monogamy was one of the many ways society held us down. We were all prisoners of society, and I was smart, I was one of the good ones, for having realized it.

I then asked how they’d all met. Jay laughed before telling me that they’d all broken free from their chains and found each other in order to create a better world. I remember, in the back of my mind, realizing that I’d barely heard Alex or Sasha talk or say a word for themselves. But I pushed out the thought because I was so entranced by him and everything he was saying. I began thinking about Simon, and how I’d been in such a rush to marry him after we met. Did I really want a family and marriage, or did I just want it but because that was what was expected of me? I’d never thought about it like that before.

Then he took my hand. I was surprised at first, but his grasp was strong. Reassuring. Then, he looked right at me. “We’ll take care of you, Helen,” he said. “If that’s what you want.”

I nodded. I supposed I didn’t have any other choice. I’d left my car in the middle of nowhere. He told me they were about twenty miles away from where they’d camp for the night. I supposed if it didn’t work out with them, that there were other like minded people I could find.

I also realized that I wanted Jay, that I was attracted to him, and that he wanted me too. But in that moment I also noticed Alex, and I realized that she was in love with him. Sasha I was less sure. But Jay had said that monogamy was bad, so maybe they were all okay with it. They ought to be, as far as I knew.

“I don’t have a sleeping bag,” was all I said.

“Don’t worry about that,” Jay replied.

We paid for the meal and started for camp. On the way, I asked if they were headed anywhere in particular.

“Wherever the wind takes us,” Jay said.

I felt myself blushing then. Who was this man? Why had I never met anyone like him before? I noticed the girls sitting quietly in the back seat. I’d never been good at making female friends so maybe this was a chance to change that. So I turned around.

“Where are both from?” I asked.

It took either a moment to respond. “We’re both from Montana,” Sasha said finally.

“Montana,” I said curiously. “I’ve never been there.”

Neither responded, and I worried I was coming on too strongly. Jay turned to me. “It doesn’t matter where we’re from. It matters where we go.”

I feared that I’d overstepped. “I’m sorry I ask so many questions.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jay responded. “I know you care about what’s important.”

By the time we reached camp, it was dark. It was a quiet, secluded spot, and the first thing that I felt was peace. It was a warm night, and we began to unpack. Jay made the girls give me two of their extra blankets and pillows since I didn’t have a sleeping bag. Then, they began to pitch his tent. I was going to ask why Jay got to sleep in a tent when we had to sleep outside. But Jay turned and asked, “Have you ever slept out under the stars?”

I shook my head.

“It’s something.” He moved closer to me and put his arm around me. The feeling of being close to him was intense. “Look.” He gestured for me to look up. The night sky was one of the most brilliant things I’d ever seen. “There’s so much beauty in the world, Helen.”

The girls were finished with the tent then, and they approached us. “Why don’t you two go get firewood? And when you come back, we’ll make a fire and we’ll talk.” Sasha nodded and almost immediately started down the trail. She waited for Alex, who stayed there, staring at us both.

“What do you need?” Jay said, an edge to his voice.

“Nothing,” Alex said, almost inaudibly, before following Sasha.


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Sat Jul 06, 2019 11:37 am
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey Elinor! I'm finally back again.

Small Comments

The order was so certain that I felt I had no choice but to comply.


Knowing the truth about Jay made this line give me chills - it's a good hint at the type of person he is, and how he influences those around him.

“I love Grace Slick,” I said. I did love them, and her, and especially how Grace seemed just to live her life without caring what anyone else thought. I’d mentioned this at a party once and got a lot of odd looks.

“So do we,” Jay said.


While I never heard of Grace Slick before reading this short story, I love how you wove in that little detail. It reminds me of how cult members find solace in the other outcasts of their cult, and just having the group love Grace Slick shows that they're a bunch of outcasts that have banded together.

I don’t know why it is,” Jay said, “that we’re the cruelest to the people we’re supposed to love.”


Why do the worst people have to say the deepest things?

Jay laughed before telling me that they’d all broken free from their chains and found each other in order to create a better world. I remember, in the back of my mind, realizing that I’d barely heard Alex or Sasha talk or say a word for themselves.


I love how Helen picks up on all of the warning signs, but never puts the pieces together in the actual moment.

I nodded. I supposed I didn’t have any other choice. I’d left my car in the middle of nowhere.


Another warning sign right there~

Neither responded, and I worried I was coming on too strongly. Jay turned to me. “It doesn’t matter where we’re from. It matters where we go.”

I feared that I’d overstepped. “I’m sorry I ask so many questions.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jay responded. “I know you care about what’s important.”


This entire part's been giving me chills, but this exchange was definitely the creepiest so far. Maybe it would have been cute if you hadn't hinted at Jay leading a cult, but the fact that she's already worrying about upsetting Jay shows just how quickly he's won her over.

Then, they began to pitch his tent. I was going to ask why Jay got to sleep in a tent when we had to sleep outside.


I don't know why, but I really love this part. Maybe it's because it shows how distant Jay is from them, and how unfair he is?

She waited for Alex, who stayed there, staring at us both.

“What do you need?” Jay said, an edge to his voice.

“Nothing,” Alex said, almost inaudibly, before following Sasha.


I want to try sticking with what you've given here, but, if I remember from what I saw in the trailer last night, Alex is the one who was jealous of the other girls - I think she's feeling threatened by Helen.

Overall Comments

Like with the last part, I don't have any critiques. I just really love this story. <3

I mentioned in my last review that you have a knack for portraying cults, and that certainly applies here. I touched on most of the details that stuck out to me already - the group all being outcasts, Jay getting the best place to sleep, Helen being enchanted by him, and the girls not saying much when Helen and Jay are talking - but something I didn't mention was how much I loved how you weaved them in. None of them were jarring from the rest of the part. Even more so, the way that Helen remarks "I didn't realize until later" or similar comments was a great touch of foreshadowing. It's impossible to tell if she's realized what Jay really was or not at this point, but ti does show the reader that something is very wrong with Jay and his girls.

See you in the next part!




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Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:08 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



So weird to just leave your car behind, but it is the 60s sO I'M LETTING THAT SLIDE.

Also, I'm imagining the girls are preteen aged? It's kind of hard to decide, so I'm hoping I'm correct in guessing they're his daughters and not, like, his startup harem.

YUP. HAREM.

THIS IS A CULT OMG. IT'S JAY'S CULT.

Gosh, I'm like... so equally fascinated and horrified by the subject of cults. I'm super excited to read the third part.

So assuming I'm right, you do such a beautiful job with working Jay's character and inserting tiny clues that point to SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. Jay IS charming. The reader was immediately charmed by him. Last part, I just assumed the girls were children by the way Jay kinda... not really snapped at her, but he was pretty cold when she (Sasha?) mentioned they had to get going. I chalked it up to a father irritated at being interrupted, but hinting at their ages might reveal too much too soon? So it oddly worked well here. I don't really know what to do about that or if there's anything to be done even, it was just an observation while reading.

Back to Jay, though. He was absolutely charming, and you had done so well building us up into her grief and shame a brokenness that Jay looked like a ray of hope, and this is EXACTLY what cults do. They mess with your head, they hit you at your weakest point and reprogram you from there.

So here in part 2, we actually get into the bits and pieces that basically begin the process of reprogramming. The slightly weird answers, the out-of-this-world perspective on society and humanity, and how charismatic he is toward Helen. Of course, Helen would fall for everything. She lost everything, she had nothing, and he gave her hope to at least some sort of livable future. She was in a state where she was willing to take that chance. You really did just build that up so well that this is all very believable for Helen to go through.

The other two girls are also intriguing, and they really kinda solidified my suspicions of where this is going. (It would be oddly hilarious if I got this wrong. XD ) I'm guessing Sasha might have been the first because Alex seems to still have a thing for Jay and doesn't quite understand what is happening with this new girl now. In a completely unrelated yet related note, this kinda shows some of the issues these kind of arrangements can be for the people involved. Jealousy just rears its ugly head so often, and your characters are just strong enough to prove this to be true. So whether it's intentional or not, it goes to show how strong your characters are pertaining to the plot or situation they're in.

The narration is, once again, just so strong. It also gives me a little bit of hope because she's clearly telling a story of what has happened to her, so she must have moved on from this point. I wonder how this all closes out for her!

HNNNG PART 3 I NEED MORE




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Sun Jun 09, 2019 7:43 am
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Absolutely loved it :) I rarely finish a short story, since usually they’re loud, bland and stupid- but this one is quite a read. Now, the setting in the beginning is a bit confusing; the characters are alright- as well as the dialogue. You seem to have a huge range of vocabulary, which is not a problem. I don’t think I saw any mistakes, so yep. There just are sentences resembling this, (« It’s something, » he moved closer and put his arm around me. The feeling of being close to him was intense. « Look. » he gestured for me to look up. The night sky was one of the most brilliant things I’d ever seen. « There’s so much beauty in the world, Helen. ») the way you cut the dialogue in halves, is fine- but beware when doing a scene of action. When dialogue is slowed down by description (such as the one I showed above); it’s usually when it’s a slower, more calm scene- remember to beware doing that at scenes of action. Otherwise, nothing to say :)





I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina